


In which Nepeta NEEDS to know about the new family that moved into town for her shipping wall.

by Serrenedy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 15:19:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 53,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2233854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serrenedy/pseuds/Serrenedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tour through the city of Alterus, through the eyes of one of it's most Pur-ious residents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Liejon-Vantas family issues

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KingKitsu/Papa](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=KingKitsu%2FPapa).



The Leijon-Vantas household was very rarely quiet. This was due in part to most of the female members being at least partially deaf. This is also caused by the Vantas’ inability to stop complaining about ANYTHING. That being said, it was very odd that the house was as silent as a grave. Well, not a _grave_ per say as there was the sound of someone scrawling on the walls of their room. That was also a familiar sound. Meulin, the oldest—was an art student at the local community college and so practiced her murals at home. Lilith, the oldest female, (often called ‘The Disciple’ by local children misinformed about her ability to hear them) was the chief editor for the town’s newspaper and so the wall of the living room was dedicated to plans, provisions, promotions, stories, and the like. There was only one member of the household that _didn't_ use his walls for anything, and that was Karkat. The particular scratching that Kankri was headed to was in his youngest stepsister’s room. He had gotten the unfortunate chore of getting the family down for dinner today, and thought he would start with the hardest one. Unfortunately, there were several reasons Kankri should never have _that_ chore. ANYONE else should have had that chore. The only reason Kankri had been selected for the chore was that due to Kalvin being locked in his study writing his newest sermon, and Lilith’s lack of cooking knowledge—Meulin was making dinner. This did make the chore easier, as the only ones he had to get were Karkat, Nepeta, and Lilith. (Kalvin would wander out at some point, it was best not to disturb him while he was conducting church business. The parish was small, but something he took VERY seriously.)

Kankri knocked on Nepeta’s door three times. The scratching did not stop. He tried again. Again, only the sounds of scribbling met him. He sighed with annoyance. She was _not_ one of the deaf members in the family; she should have been able to hear him.

          “Nepeta” He called through the door. No answer. “Nepeta, I apologize if it seems I’m infringing on your personal space, but as I do not feel you are actively listening to me and I need to deliver a message, I will now be entering your room without permission unless you take the next few seconds to reaffirm that you are in fact listening to me and have just chosen not to answer for whatever reason. Keep in mind that if you _are_ listening and just ignoring me I will be most displeased at what you no doubt think of as a type of game and or prank. My displeasure will dissipate with time, but you must be careful even in your condition as feigned ignorance of another can be a trigger of sorts.” With his speech done, he waited for her to answer him again. Once again, the only sounds from beyond the door were her frantic doodling on the wall. He nodded. “Alright then, I am entering into your personal space. Though I would like to take this moment to remind you that I did in fact warn you.” With that, he swung the door open and steeped into the most colorful room he’d ever been privy to.

Her walls were covered with meticulous sketches of everyone in town. What’s stranger is that the drawings were all of couples (or in some cases triads). Nepeta watched Mulan with a rather unforeseen complication. Rather than even make it through the movie, she’d seen the matchmaker and decided then and there that it was what she wanted to do with her life. Kalvin, Lilith, and Meulin had supported her whole heartedly. Karkat had gone to bed without dinner that night for the slew of swear words that had escaped his mouth. Kankri had been kind about it, going to Kalvin to express his worry. Kalvin assured him that kids changed their minds about careers all the time. The incident had taken place before the households were one, when the kids were being introduced to one another. Karkat had been 6, Nepeta 5, Meulin 10 and Kankri 9. Nepeta was currently 15, and Kalvin had been moderately horrified to learn that Lilith’s support was completely real. Nepeta was also on track to become the relationship advice columnist. Meulin was holding the position for now with the help of her ex—Kurloz (as she was pretty bad at seeing any match not obvious and in front of her.) Nepeta was currently in the middle of sketching what could only be Porrim alongside an unknown figure. The Maryam family was a favorite subject of hers. She’d flatly refused to be a part of the wedding or even LET her mother re—marry until Kalvin let it ‘slip’ that Dottie Maryam was his adoptive mother, then she’d been delighted with her-then, teenage aunt, though Porrim was currently in her mid-20s and wouldn’t appreciate this (Porrim didn’t care, no one cared but Kankri).  Kankri opened his mouth to complain on her artwork of their aunt, until he noticed who the second rough draft was.

           “IS THAT ME!!!!!!!!!!” Nepeta, as she was not deaf, fell off her ladder, causing a harsh red stripe to go across both the subjects of her charcoal drawings and herself. Kankri did _not_ catch her, too busy yelling at her. “YOU KNOW I DON’T DO RELATIONSHIPS, LET ALONE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN NEARLEY A DEACDE MY SENIOR WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING AND RED! I KNOW HOW YOUR SO CALLED SHIPPING WALL WORKS, WHY ON EARTH RED ARE YOU GOING EVEN CRAZIER THAN NORMAL, HAVE YOU LOST WHAT LITTLE FUNCTION IS LEFT IN THAT BURNED OUT HUSK YOU CALL A BRAIN—”

          “WHAT THE FUCK IS GING ON UP HERE YOU DIPSHIT! I CAN HEAR YOU OVER THE STUPID ASS GAME I WAS PLAYING ONLINE. I WAS PLAYING WITH GAMZEE, DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW LOUD YOU HAVE TO BE TO OVERPOWER THE STUPPIDEST OF HIGH OFF THEIR ASS CLOWN FUCKS” Kankri’s screaming was, as always, put to shame by the pure unmitigated power of Karkat’s hair trigger. The 16 year old was literally seething as he stepped over the threshold into his stepsister’s room.

           “You didn’t ask permission to be here, and your mouth remains as filthy as always! What would dad do if he heard that kind of vulgarity! Worse yet, you insult everyone like they don’t have feelings and if I get started on your lack of trigger warnings I’ll be here all day.” Kankri snapped. “I was doing a favor for Meulin when I noticed some highly triggering material. If you will leave I will continue my lect, _conversation_ with Nepeta taking care to note my noise level for your convenience. ” Karkat was never one to let things go, and as Kankri started to take a breath he interrupted his big brother yet again.

            “YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT PERMISON ASSHOLE! I’VE GOT A RUNNING INVITE, YOU SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF HER! WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING IN HERE! YOU TURNED THE GOD DAMMED CAT WANNABE INTO A BALL OF FUR AGAIN! HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO GIVE HER A PANIC ATTACK TO REALIZE YOU ‘TRIGGER’ HER!” Kankri’s face morphed into a scowl. Karkat could be so overdramatic at times. Nepeta was fine…or so he though, until he turned to find out that his brother was telling the truth and the charcoal stained hands were buried in a mop of multicolored hair hiding the crying face of the shaking girl. Kankri’s face fell at once.

              “Fuck! I didn’t mean it…I didn’t” Kankri swung back to his brother, fear evident in his face. “Karkat, you _know_ I didn’t mean anything by this I just got mad. Ohhhhhh I should control my anger more, lashing out like this causes so many problems. I should have thought more on her condition. I mean, I’m fine so I don’t _know_ what it’s like for her. I really should have checked my privilege there….” Karkat allowed his brother’s voice to fade to white noise...as he usually did.

The smaller boy calmly walked over to where her laptop was located. It was password protected, but she was predictable, so he just entered the names of some of the innumerable cats that they ended up owning for at least a week. (third try the thing opened to Pounce, the pure white Turkish Angora queen they actually owned.) and opened her pesterchum. Equius was online (like he ever logged out) and Karkat video called him while fetching her favorite blue hat from her bed. The sweaty rich bastard answered the call just as Karkat placed the computer in front of her and the hat on her head.

          “Nepeta?” She froze completely at the familiar sound.

          “Equ—hiss?” He frowned on screen.

          “I have told you innumerable times not to call me that.” She pouted and he sighed. “Fine, I suppose if it is truly cooperative to insure a guarantee of your joy, you may do so.” Her beam could have put the sun to shame.

           “Just seeing mew makes me feel better” She grinned. Equis smiled back at her.

            “Your brother called me, is something wrong? He kind of…well, hates me I suppose the proper term would be.” She perked up at that, then giggled.

            “The mighty seer was painting the walls of her cave with visions of fur-ture pairs, when a large red hummingbird zipped past her. As e-furry-one knows, seers are notoriously allergic to humming. She sneezed so hard it made a pepper storm! The storm ripped through…” Kankri stopped his yapping to focus on her story, trying to find what actually happened though it. Karkat watched her to, but it more to evaluate the stupid. Karkat snapped first and pulled Kankri away from his own hypnotic state. As the younger dragged the elder through the door he hissed at his sibling.

             “Don’t tell dad alright dummy? We can get through this with mild emotional scarring it you don’t say shit to dad.”

              “WHAT ABOUT SHIT?” Both boys jumped at both the sight and sound of Meulin, standing at the top of the stairs. Her eyes were, as always focused on their lips rather than anything else. “KANKRI” She continued. “I SENT MEW UP HERE LIKE AN HO—PUR AGO. YOU HAVE KAR—CAT SURE, BUT WHERE’S NE—PET—ETA?” Both boys froze as they stared at the 20 year old woman. While her hair was also colored, you could _kind of_ tell that between the neon shades of every color her hair was black, though, this could only be told on the days she wasn’t painting. The Leijon—Vantas family had a rather odd ‘curse’. The older sibling freaked out the opposite younger sibling, and although she didn’t put him into panic attacks, the multiple piercings and customized fangs gave Karkat nightmares if he stared at her face too long, especially with how wide her smile was at the moment as her mouth full of shark like teeth glinted even through what his heart seemed to be refusing to believe was pasta sauce. She was covered in pasta sauce to make it worse, wearing old painting clothes with her hair as wild as ever. “MEW BOYS WANNA MEOWOUT SOME WIC—KITTY TRUTHS?” She asked, raising a thrice pieced eyebrow. Karkat was usually good at lying, but he tended to panic under pressure. Kankri took the bullet, and hid the younger one behind him.

              “We were just—just going to get Lilith, er… _mom_. Heh. Nep’s in there talking to Equius, telling some kind of story. You know her, when she starts no one can make her stop. Haha! We’re just gonna get Lilith and—”

              “SHE’S NOT HERE.” Meulin interrupted. “I FUR—GOT SHE LEFT FUR HER CON—FUR—ENCE. I SUR—POUNCE THAT’S WHY SHE LET ME GET ANOTH—PUR TATTOO. SHE’S NOT GOING TO BE AROUND FUR MY EXI—BITE AT MEW—OOL.” She pouted, always a strange expression as her teeth didn’t allow her mouth to fully close. She smiled again. “I’LL GET PET—ETA, DON’T FURRY ABOUT IT!” The boys’ eyes widened, and suddenly that smile looked a lot more predatory. She brushed past them into her sister’s room, taking her cloud of perfume with her and both sets of albino red eyes caught each other.

             “What are the chances she’ll tell Meulin what happened?” Kankri asked fearfully. Karkat shook it off.

              “Well, she only speaks in stories right? Maybe Meulin won’t figure it out?” They nodded to one another, and went downstairs to await their fate as Equius was the only non—Leijon to figure out everything Nepeta meant, and that for those that did interpret what she was saying, they were almost never wrong.   

Sure enough, another hour later found the four ‘kids’ sitting at the dinner table. Nepeta still had on her hat, along with her ‘adventuring’ jacket that was usually reserved for roleplaying. While she looked happy enough, Meulin was openly scowling at Kankri, whom played with his food and avoided looking directly at her. Karkat knew it was up to him, as dinner was mostly over and if they left the dinner table mad it was going to be a month long affair to get the family back in order again. So he took a deep breath and plowed right in.

          “Hey Nep, you can update your wall, ‘cause tomorrow I have a bonafied date with Terezi” He grinned. There was (for the six years they had been a family) two very specific reactions Nepeta would do when someone mentioned they were dating someone else. Usually, she was the first one in town people told so they could learn from these reactions. If she thought it was going to work out, then she’d squeal and scream and hug them close for the next few hours. If she didn’t think it would work, her eyes would grow wide and teary and she’d scream about sinking ships. Most people knew well enough to listen to her advice as she was most often right. The last person to ignore her advice had been Tavros, who’d gone out with Vriska anyway. It had resulted in the most horrible two months of his life and breaking up with her had ended up with him paralyzed. She claimed it was an accident and she’d have gotten in more trouble if her sister wasn’t the on and off again girlfriend of the Mayor’s daughter and her best friend’s mom wasn’t the chief of police. Nevertheless, the second reaction was caused. The teen began to wail and flail so badly that it caught Meulin’s attention.

          “WHAT HAPPENED?” She grabbed her shaking sister and Nepeta pulled herself together enough to sign at her. Whatever Nepeta signed, Meulin didn’t like as she turned again to glare at the boy again. “IT’S PUR—RIGHT” She cooed, not taking her eyes off either Vantas. “I’M SURE HE’LL BE DONE _BE—FUR_ THEN. OR HE CLAW—D TAKE HER TO THE GAL—PUR—RY.” Shit. Karkat had completely forgotten Meulin’s show (That Kalvin insisted they all go to in case he couldn’t make it). He blushed.

           “I forgot, but no worries, I’ll be done by six sharp!” Meulin smiled at him again and he felt a shiver go down his spine. It was weird. Kurloz didn’t creep him out that much, and Meulin only started to _after_ they broke up.

          “WELL THANK MEW KAR-KITTY, BUT I DON’T WANNA RUIN YARN DATE! BITE—SIDES, I HAVE TO BE THERE AT NOON AND I WAS HOPING YOU’D TAKE CARE OF PET—ETA FOR ME.”

          “I can look after her for a few hours” Kankri volunteered, but Meulin didn’t hear him, and it was probably better that way, as Nepeta freaked out and burrowed into her sister’s side even more. Meulin looked down at her.

          “IT’S NO HISS—UE. PUR—LOZ CAN WATCH MEW. IF YOU PAW—THER HIM ENOUGH HE’LL EVEN TAKE YOU OVER TO SEE THE NEW FAM—FURRY.” Nepeta smiled at her sister and made a slew of signs that were too fast for the boys to read. As Meulin started to sign back, the two cut their losses and slipped from the table before anyone could remember that they were upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah...This is the opening, kinda of a get to know the characters segment. I'm gonna make the main focus of this story Nepeta, and I apologize in advance if she's ooc. If you could TELL me when she's majorly ooc, that'd be appreciated. If anyone notices. I tend to write her as having some form of Autism and mostly it's because Karkat DID call her 'autistic cat girl' and I don't know of he was insulting (as always) or throwing around a fact with his insult, 'cause he kinda does that too. yeah...hope everyone likes it, and it IS a gift, but I'm not sayin who for until it's done. It's gonna be long and that's in NO WAY a show of my feelings toward anyone, it's just that I have more time on this. The others I did the night before a birthday. I have a few weeks before this birthday.


	2. Our favorite Stoner

Nepeta was having a strange day. First, the alarms in the house were late. This led to Kalvin spitting out every swear in the book as he ran out to get ready for church that day. (which was strange because it was Wednesday and he wasn't the pastor for the Wednesday service). It also meant that Meulin had to make breakfast. First, Meulin had to be woken up—a feat only manageable by Lilith, who was gone, or Kalvin…who was also gone. Kankri tried to make breakfast and almost burned the house down.  Karkat had somehow managed the impossible and woken up Meulin. As she got up at 10, the boys were hoping she’d be able to feed them, but she remembered that she had to make a few stops before she actually hit the gallery and called Kurloz so that he could pick up Nepeta early. This led to the first of MANY shouting matches that day…strange since, Kurloz was on his ‘Silence fast’ not speaking from when the sun went up to when it set… _if_ he remembered he was allowed to talk again. Apparently, Kurloz was as bad at communicating as their big sister. Somewhere along the line the message had gotten warped into watching her _next week_ and he was currently on a day trip two states away with his friend Mituna.

           “I will watch her” Kankri volunteered again. Nepeta clung to Meulin and Karkat just shot him a glare. “I understand Nepeta” He started, striding over to Meulin and snatching the aforementioned girl from behind her. Kankri kneeled down to the trembling girl’s face as Meulin continued to shout into the phone (seriously, how was Kurloz answering? Hpw was she _hearing?_ ) “In the time we have been a family and, yes, even before that we have not been on the best of terms. That is partially due to both your condition and my privilege at not having your condition. I know that I’ll never truly understand you or all the differences between us, but I have been studying cases about your condition, which is not to say that I think I know all about you now as I am fully aware that each case is different and no two people are alike, but I think we may be able to find a sort of common ground to work up from. You enjoy your sister’s artwork; I make pamphlets for the church. See, off the top of my head there is something we have in common; artwork, an open ended...” Nepeta whimpered once, keeping an eye on her sister despite Kankri’s best attempts to cover her gaze with himself. Meulin paced as she talked, and as she left the room, Nepeta started to really freak out. Karkat introduced both palms to his face.

           “Why is this my family? Why is this my _life?_ Oh Jesus that doesn’t exist, the clown gods of my best friend and crazy fucking sister, and… deities of whatever the fuck Vriska got Kanaya into; what the shit did I do wrong in a past life?” Kankri stopped talking to Nepeta to glare at his brother. Karkat was actually on the ground as if prostrating himself. Kankri growled under his breath. Before they’d moved into this town to be closer to grandma (and also get a bigger house because a three bedroom apartment wasn’t working) Karkat and Meulin were both devout members of the church. He fully blamed Kurloz, once Meulin started dating that _heathen_ (though he’d never call him that to his face because he had to respect the stupid fuck) she converted, and shortly after that Karkat had announced he believed in nothing at all. He’d been thoroughly annoyed when their father had just preached ‘be your own person’ and ‘accept everyone’. He’d be handling the church a _lot_ differently when he was old enough to go into it.

           “KARKAT!” His brother looked at him. “Though I understand and accept your choice and or ability to be and or present yourself in any way you see fit—”

           “Choice and or ability? Do you even know what the hell you say sometimes or are you just as confused as the rest of us?”

           “THOUGH” Kankri growled out causing the teen to scoff and pointedly look away. “I appreciate all of your lifestyle choices; please refrain from interrupting a lecture with our little sister. As you may or may not have noticed, our relationship is strained at best and it is not helped at all by your constant interruptions when I am giving a sermon”

           “What sermon? You’re talking her to death!” Karkat was right. It was almost funny how rarely it happened around anyone but Kankri, but the older boy was squeezing Nepeta and the only reason she wasn’t screaming was that she was gasping for breath. The two boys didn’t notice her plight. Not until Meulin came back in.

           “PURLOZ SAID HE’D WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!” Meulin raced over and ripped Kankri off of Nepeta, whom gave great noisy gasps for air. Meulin turned to the boy (who by now was backing up with his hands over his head). “IT WASN’T ENOUGH YOU HAD TO WRECK HER SHIPPING WALL YOU TRY TO KILL HER FOR A PURRING YOU DON’T AGREE WITH”

           “I...um….Meulin you could not have possibly head what transpired here, but I assure you I—” Meulin turned her head away, if she couldn’t see him, she couldn’t hear him. She pet down the still shaking Nepeta.

           “DON’T WORRY. PURLOZ TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING. HE GOT MEW A MEW SIT—PUR AND I WON’T LEAVE THE MOUSE UNTIL THEY GET HERE SO KANKRI WON’T COME NEAR YOU AGAIN.” Karkat touched Meulin’s shoulder to get her attention.

           “Didn’t you have errands to run or something?” She sighed heavily.

           “I WAS GOING TO DO THEM WHILE PURLOZ CAME. BUT SINCE SOME KITTY’S CAN’T BE TRUSTED” This was said with a meaningful glare at Kankri. “I PUR—POUNCE THAT I WON’T GET THEM DONE” She pouted, causing Karkat to shiver and Kankri to jump up.

           “If you have a list I could do them!” She stared at him hard enough that he actually started to sweat beneath her gaze. Truthfully, he was very upset with himself for what he’d done. Nepeta wasn’t privileged enough to make her uncomfort  as known a he would have liked, but it was HIS job to check his privilege about being able to do so and also think about her at all times. Meulin narrowed her eyes at him, then smiled and produced the sheet of paper. There was a knock at the door.

           “Is that the sitter already?” Kankri mused, wondering why they had knocked knowing Meulin’s condition.

           “They know Meu’s deaf, so…THAT MUST BE TEREZI!” Karkat jumped up. He straightened out his vest a bit and pulled on his black dyed hair. “How do I look” He asked. Before Kankri or Nepeta could answer the knock came again. “Nevermind, see ya all at six” He then turned as fast as he could and ran to the door. Silence for a moment, then. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU MISERABLE FUCK” Kankri’s heart sat in his stomach.

           “Oh no” he murmured. ‘Miserable Fuck’ was reserved for three specific people, and you could tell who they were based on how the term was said. Grumpy was usually Sollux. Sollux could also be happy, but it depended on the mood of the other boy. ‘Get the fuck out my face’ undertones, and it was Eridan, (town ‘please date me’ second only in desperation to his brother, Kankri’s on again off again, Cronus.) The third one—mildly surprised and affectionate strolled through the door like he owned the place.

           “Alright lil kitty sis. We all up and ready to go on the most motherfuckin miraculous of journeys?”

           “Gamzee, What are you doing here?” Kankri ground out. Gamzee was Kurloz’s stoner cousin who had lived with them for the past 3 years. He was also (in Kankri’s opinion) highly unstable. His father had ran something in his last town and had been giving Gamzee the test products. They said he’d killed people, but that was a rumor. He had however burned down one of the factories with himself inside under orders. His dad still hadn’t been caught and at 17 he still _needed_ to be high to keep his P.T.S.D. and anxiety down. Scarily enough, Gamzee had taken to the rest of his family's clown religion like a fish to water. According to him, his therapist said it helped more than the weed.

           “Aint it obvious my most heresy prechin red eyed motherfucker? I’m here to up and relive ya’ll of the miracle you up and callin a burden. My wicked stitch bro sent me over” This led to another shouting match, until Karkat won, by promising on his life that the other boy could be trusted. Kankri almost gestured to the other boy for his list, than he noticed that Gamzee, Meulin, and Nepeta had all absconded in the mist of his arguing with Karkat. Kankri cursed under his breath, then stalked off with Meulin’s list.

This is how Nepeta ended up sitting in the corner of Gamzee’s living room. Unlike Kankri, Gamzee was fully aware of the fact she didn’t really trust him (due mostly to an incident when she had first met Equius and nobody had told the prim and proper army brat that it was alright for this one kid to have weed. Long story short, both teens had ended up in the hospital, Gamzee sedated and Equius on life support). Unlike Kankri, Gamzee didn’t get in her face about it. In fact, besides being in the same room as her he really didn’t bother her much. He let her bring her notebook and bustled around the house. He seemed like he was getting ready for a party. And after a while the doorbell rang. He looked at Nepeta for the first time since she’d sat in her corner. “Alright my bitch—tits ass Kitty sister. I done up and got mass miricales for you today. I called up my rappin group. A stitched up brother as special as stardust itself done up and dropped a hint like a beat that you been trying to get your peepers all up and on the miraculous motherfuckers that moved here last month, so rather than pullin your head apart stuck wit me, I up and got your ass some company!” Nepeta blinked at him as he walked out, only to smile as Tavros wheeled in and one of the new kids came after him. Tavros grinned as he saw her, and went right over.

          “Hey Nepeta!” He smiled. Tavros was in her role play group. After the ‘incident’ with Vriska he hadn’t ignored her advice again, so when she told him that Gamzee was his perfect math, there was only a month of spluttered protests and inopportune blushes before they were dating. She waved at him, before focusing on the new kid. Tavros glanced at the kid once, then chuckled to himself and wheeled off to find his boyfriend (whom had wandered off somewhere). Nepeta smiled wider as the kid looked around to notice that they were alone.

          “Sup?” He asked, and her eyes widened.

          “I didn’t expect mew to sound like that!” She squealed, getting off the ground and crossing the room in three bouncing steps. “I’m Nepeta!” She proclaimed, thrusting out her hand. He flinched minutely at her enthusiasm, but quickly hid his reaction.

          “Cool” He said, shrugging a bit and shaking her hand “Name’s Da—”

          “I know who mew are Dave Strider” His eyes widened behind the shades, but that was the only thing on his face that changed. She only noticed it due to how close she was, but nevertheless she blushed before hurriedly continuing. “I know e—furry—one in town…well, everyone does. This kindle’s pretty tight knit, so ev—furry—one’s business is find of dander—ing around. Unless you’re new…like well, mew” He nodded at the explanation.

          “Yeah, mew, I mean new. Why do you do that?” He asked her. She smiled brightly and he could see her dimples.

          “Meulin, my sister, wanted to be a vet when she was a kid. She mew—sed to bring in cats all the time. When I was born, she was also best friends with Meenah”

          “Wait, your sister is friends with the mayor’s kid?” Nepeta nodded.

          “We didn’t know she was the mayor’s daughter, just that we had a place to cat nap while we were mewving. Ater she met Kalvin, we ended up moving back here with him. OH—but Meenah said the best way to a—pur—ciate something was with puns. So I learned how to meow like this. I can stop if it makes you uncomfortable.” Dave shook his head and smirked at her slightly

          “Nah, you do what you do. It makes you you, ya know? It’s cool” There was something genuine in his voice, and she hugged him, just as Gamzee and Tavros reentered the room.

          “Yo, shady bro, Kitty sis-I got the motherfuckin miracle bread!” Dave turned to take the pizza box, while Nepeta stared at Tavros in abject horror.

          “Don’t worry, he means crazy bread this time. I held it the whole time. He’s the only one high right now. I stopped him.” Gamzee blinks at this, before he turned his head to Tavros.

          “You stopped me?”

          “Nepeta’s mom doesn’t understand miracles remember? She got really mad last time.” Gamzee stopped him from speaking with a sloppy kiss.

          “My motherfuckin miracle! All up and makin sure I don’t get in no trouble no more” He kissed the other boy all over the face, ignoring both Tavros’ giggles and the rapidly deteriorating state of his paint. Nepeta grinned at the result of her work.


	3. In which the new kid is brutally interrogated, this is not why he came here

Nepeta was in the corner writing as she waited for Meulin to come get her and just observed the group at large. One of the boys would turn their heads every few minutes to make sure she was still breathing, but as she sat quietly, they forgot about her. They didn’t notice her giving up her prayers of thanks that they were longer trying to ‘entertain’ her with their terrible rapping. Gamzee and Tavros had cleaned up their faces while Dave had gone out to fetch more snacks, and when he returned, they begin to play video games and have the _best_ heart to heart any matchmaker could be privy to.

          “So what motherfucker are you trying to run from?” Gamzee asked

          “I have no idea what you’re talking about” Dave grumbled.

          “Motherfucker who you tryin to fool? You think this bastard was born yesterday? Can’t hide from me, you’re supposed to be _good_ at this game and can’t even up and focus enough to beat me.”

          “Not true.” Dave shot back. Gamzee then proved his sobriety by killing him horribly, also proving that he had in fact been going easy on the other boy.” Dave sighed. Tavros winced

          “Gamzee, that was kinda mean.”

          “You already know this Motherfucker aint got time for no bullshit when the voices start up and screamin.” Gamzee twitched once horribly, and Tavros whealed over and wrapped his arms around the older boy. Gamzee shook once, then grabbed Tavros’ arm tightly. Tavros started whispering in his ear, as Gamzee nestled his head in his boyfriend’s lap.

          “You can just tell us” Tavros said to Dave suddenly. “You already know me and Gam won’t say anything. He’s just curious…and ya know…he, he needs his fix” Dave sighed, then leveled his gaze at the couple across from him.

          “Dude they were trying to give us ‘the talk’ Gam. It was HORRIFYING” Rather than show any concern to his friend’s shattered mind, the cultist just let out a rasping cackle. “Not cool” Dave mumbled as he swiped the last slice of pizza.

          “Maybe” Tavros piped up “They just wanted to make sure you were all alright. I mean, you guys have only been living together for a few months now.”

          “We’re fine” Dave pointed out.

          “Hey, miracle bro’s got a motherfuckin point. Are you sure you’re all _fine_ with alla this?” Dave turned scarlet.

          “What the Hell dude. I came here to get _away_ from the third degree. What’s with you two?” Tavros had the decency to blush, Gamzee shrugged.

          “I’m just up and sayin bro, Like, it’s probably easier for your new siblings than you. They all up and knew each other first”

          “ _Please_ stop talking” Dave begged. Gamzee sat up from Tavros’ lap, though the younger kept his hands buried in the already messy hair. He looked at him a long time, before shrugging and throwing back some of his Faygo.

          “Yo, where’s my stuff?” He began looking around, not actually moving his position, just swiveling his head.

          “You’re babysitting” His boyfriend reminded him. Gamzee looked almost angry for a moment, then remembered _why_ he couldn’t get more stoned while watching someone’s kid, or rather, while Nepeta was in the same general area.

          “Oh right” He said, a scowl spreading across his face. “Few hours then?” Tavros smiled at him, then pecked him on the side of his jaw, the one place he could kiss without getting paint all over him. Gamzee turned to grab him for a proper kiss.

          “Your paint” Both boys intoned. Gamzee remembered again.

          “Oh right. A lot easier to up and remember this stuff when my minds all at 100 percent miracle power ya know?” Dave and Tavros nodded at the clown’s flawed logic. He didn’t seem to notice, and went back to his pizza. “Hey KittySis” He called over to Nepeta, who was actually wearing cat ears and a matching tail. “You all up and wanting some more of this miracle bread before I up and scarf down the last one?” Nepeta put her book down, to reveal the half—finished slice on her lap. All of the boys were surprised, as she hadn’t appeared to move the entire time she was there, so either it was the same slice, or she’d gotten a new one in the past two hours. “That’s motherfucking miraculous” Gamzee whispered in awe. Dave and Tavros were only able to nod in agreement.

          “What happened?” She asked. The boys all looked at each other, but she was hyper focused on Dave. He began to wonder if there was a reason a fifteen year old girl needed to be watched by guys still in her year. (Or a twenty one year old, since Kurloz was supposed to be there).

          “Um…with the moving?” She didn’t speak, she also didn’t blink. “We just moved up here to be closer to my Bro’s boyfriend” She shook her head.

          “That’s not it.” Dave blushed again (what was with that lamely, totally NOT COOL) “If that were it you’d be irritated, losing your friends. This is something different. You’re not acting right.”

          “Excuse me?”

          “And your story doesn’t add up.” The three boys stare at her; she issmiling in a way that has only before been seen on her mother, and even then—only when it is as big a controversy as the best lawyer in town sleeping with a convicted felon. She throws them the notebook she’d been writing in. On the first page, in green ink are the names of everyone at their school. The rest of the book is a mish most of red, pink, black, and blue ink around the green names.

          “What the—”

          “Red is for love” She interrupts Dave. “Pink is for best friends. Blue is cause I ran out of colors. They’re love triangles. The black ink is ‘they claim to hate each other but they should just fuck and get it over with” After a while, the green shifts from people in the school to the town itself. EVERYONE has at least one color connecting them to someone else. Everyone except the last page. The Strider—Egbert—Harley—English—Crocker—Lalonde fuck up mess is just that. They’re names are just listed. “I _need_ to know” Dave jumps back as the girl that was previously across the room is right in his face now.

          “What the fuck woman! You trying to give me a heart attack? Not even, it’s not even a heart attack anymore. It’s a heart suicide.” Tavros sighed

          “You got him started” Nepeta blinked in confusion at Tavros, whom had wheeled over so that he could touch her shoulder. Then turned her head back to Dave, who was now going on about some ancient Japanese suicide ritual that apparently his heart was going through. “You wanna play cards?” Nepeta looked at him again.

          “What did I do? I just wanted to know for my shipping wall” Tavros nodded.

          “I know, we tried. Dave’s weird, he talks more through his raps then anything.” Nepeta winced and Tavros laughed at her. “Don’t worry, I’ll translate.” Tavros stopped to look at his boyfriend. Gamzee was staring at Dave with an odd expression, as if he was contemplating both how he was talking so much and if he’d be able to continue without a tongue. It was a look he’d given Kankri once before. Kurloz had luckily been there to stop him. It was also the look he’d given Equius before ‘the incident’. “Common Gam” He rolled over and grabbed the older boy by the wrist. “I can watch Nepeta for a bit, you aren’t going to last any longer” Gamzee blinked a bit, but seemed to realize that he could now get high. Tavros and Nepeta went with him to the kitchen and he gave them the pack of Flidlespawn (a Pokémon—equse card game with rules somewhere between bridge and Uno. Gamzee himself wasn’t able to follow, but it was Tavros’ favorite) for the kitchen as he kept a pack in every room of the house. Tavros and Nepeta played as he made himself busy. Dave popped up to say goodbye when he was finally done with his (never-ending) metaphor, though between the games and baking—no one had the attention span to wish him a fond farewell. Meulin came to pick up Nepeta at five.

          

         “WAS SHE ANY TROU—BELL?” She asked Gamzee as he opened the door.

         “Cheetah—Sis I don’t think kitty—sis even up and knows who the motherfuck ‘trouble’ even is.” She sniffed at him a bit.

         “OH NO! DON’T TELL ME SHE HAD ANY” Gamzee shook his head and she sighed. “MOM WOULD _KILL_ ME. ACTUALLY, I THINK I PREFER MOM TO KANKRI” She got a faraway look in her eye as she imagined the shit Kankri would give her. Gamzee just laughed at her pain.

         “Nah cheetah—sis, your red faced heretic bro aint got nothin more to complain to the messiahs about. Well, exceptin all of everything. He seems to complain about that shit a lot.” Meulin laughed with him that time.

         “YOU HAVE NEVER MEWLED OUT A LIE MY MIRTH—FUR BROTH—PUR ” The two made the sign of the religion amongst themselves as Nepeta wheeled Tavros out. “OH HEY TAV! IS RU—FEILNE COMING TO PET YOU OR DO YOU NEED A RIDE?”

“Rufioh’s coming, but thanks” She nodded, then grabbed Nepeta to go. Gamzee grabbed her arm to get her attention

“Wait, you all up and leavin a motherfucker just like that?” The older girl shrugged.

“I GOTTA POUNCE BACK TO THE EXIBIT, FURRY” Gamzee nodded

“Wait here for a minute” The lanky teen puts every inch of his 6’7” frame to use as he sprints to and from the kitchen in record time. “Made extra for a bitch” Meulin’s eyes light up as she takes the Tupperware full of pie and slides it into her bag. She gives Gamzee and Tavros hugs (Gamzee’s a bit longer) as does Nepeta (Gamzee’s a lot shorter) and the two load into Meulin’s car ant are off to the gallery.  


	4. Artful Surprise

Meulin was losing her mind. Her hand twitched more than once to the spiked pie in her bag. It had to be the worst moment in her life. This exhibit was not just her final project. No, it was an actual exhibit—three of her pieces had been selected from her class, handpicked by her aunt. Two of them, she was happy with. The last one…not so much. It was the last one people were milling about now and she had never before sensed and despised her deafness more than she had at the moment. Nepeta had tried to sign her the reactions of the patrons at first, but she was too hysterical to read correctly, and hadn’t seen her sister for almost half an hour now.

 

The two pictures she liked were large easel paints of cats; one an impressionist version of Pounce in oil, the other a cubist painting showcasing the strays that wandered in and out done in pastel watercolors. Meulin herself went from hyperventilating to feeling her stomach drop out from under her and the room spinning as everyone left the cats she adored so much. The last painting had been most of her concentrated effort for the past year as it had never seemed good enough.  The painting was of her family, but it only used colors and charcoal. Currently it was the one being looked at. She almost screamed when a hand grabbed her shoulder (as Nepeta was the only one there for her besides aunt Porrim and much too short). She would have screamed if not for the skull print glove clamped around her mouth. When she calmed down again she turned to see first and foremost, her ex Kurloz. His stiches pulled at his smile and she grinned as she begin to sign at him in earnest

 

**_ Kurloz, what are you doing here?! _ **

**_Ah shit, My favorite little Art Bitch all up and showing off her pieces for the first time. Wouldn’t miss that shit for the world my Ninja. But you bought ready to jump outta your skin._** Meulin shuddered. 

 ** _Of course I’m jumpy. You know my family doesn’t care…neither does my fake family. The only friend I actually expected to be here told me he couldn’t make it._** She shoved him playfully. His eyebrows lifted in surprise, pulling his skull face paint in all manner of strange angles

 ** _Now see, this is you all up and not listening again. I was coming, just had to up and pick up a few things._** With that, Kurloz gestured behind him. Meulin’s tears started up again, for a completely different reason. Gamzee was there, as well as Mituna and Sollux. They weren’t the surprising ones. Damara stood there with Aradia, who looked tired. Meulin tracked the time back in her head, and realized that Damara was due to be released from her stint in federal. Her eyes widened as her Japanese friend simply smirked at her. All with hearing in the vicinity cringed at the sound that came out of the 20 year old’s mouth as she completely enclosed Damara in her arms. The 19 year old just laughed a bit at her friend. Kurloz smirked behind the pair. He pealed the two of them apart just long enough to point Meulin to the second surprise in the room.

 ** _Fake family? That’s hurtful, and after I went in Kurloz’s death trap to sponsor your friend. You’d better be happy Kankri can’t read you._** Kalvin scowled at her playfully, before accepting an armful of stepdaughter. Kankri and Karkat looked at each other, then Kurloz.

          “What were you all saying?” Kankri asked. Kurloz signed at him and Kankri scowled. "It is  _well_ after dark. While I respect your speech purge and your ridiculous rel..."

          “Stitch—bro said” Gamzee volunteered, cutting off Kankri. “That if a Bitch wanted to tell a motherfucker all what was in her head she’d have made sure to up and teach him how to interpret the special ass signs.” Kankri turned red as his blood boiled; Gamzee didn’t seem to notice that his helpful comment caused more harm than good. Karkat couldn’t help but sinker. He almost forgot what he was supposed to be doing and quickly picked his oldest sibling’s pocket as she was distracted.

          “Excuse me.” Kalvin tapped Meulin’s back twice. The woman turned to see a lovely young woman in blue dress. “Are you the artist?” Meulin hadn’t been focused, and so blinked quickly at her and just hoped she would repeat herself. Kalvin signed the question again for his daughter. She blinked once again, this time joyful.

          “YES! I AM! SORRY, I DIDN’T SEE YOU AT FIRST!” The woman blinks a few more times as she realizes Meulin’s condition. She laughed once

          “Hoo hoo, my fault dear. I was wondering if your paintings were for sale. My family just moved here, and well, no one’s adjusting well. Cats are a favorite in the home.” The woman spoke slowly and loudly, though the change in volume didn’t affect Meulin at all, the slower speaking was appreciated.

          “WHICH PAINTING DID YOU WANT?” Meulin asked as she walked off with the woman to her paintings. Kalvin looked over at Karkat.

          “Did you get them?” Karkat nodded once, before handing his father her keys.

          “What are you planning?” Kankri asked. “And why do you _never_ include me?” Kalvin cut off his oldest.

          “Kankri, do you want to drive?” Kankri’s eyes widened. Diving was a very rare treat for him. His little brother Karkat had actually been behind the wheel of a vehicle more that he had, and the boy only had his permit.

          “Meulin would never let me drive her rust bucket—”

          “You’ll be driving the van” Kalvin tempted him, holding out his own keys. “Just take Aradia and Sollux home and come back. I promise, if you do this one favor for me, you can drive the van all night.” Kankri actually started salivating. It was disgusting. He shook his head suddenly, and then opened his mouth. “No questions, just take them home and come back.” Kankri seemed to weigh the options on his mind a bit, before grabbing the keys and ushering the two ‘children’ away.

          “Come along. You heard what’s been said. No I know that it _looked_ like selling out, but I can assure you that it was not. I am happy to escort two young victims, _volunteers_ for my newest lec—LESSON. It just so happens that the lesson is on the follies of youth. And luklily we're going in the van so there'll be some leaflets under the seats for you to enjoy..." The twins protested at once, arguing all points from the fact that they were nearly 17 themselves and did not need to be driven home or subjected to one of Kankri’s infamous lectures. Kalvin waited for his oldest son to disappear out the door, before ducking around to find his mother and possibly sister. Unlike his son, he trusted the children to hang out together, and though he was a bit unsettled by the Makara children, he actually respected rather than just tolerated them. He saw Dottie soon enough

          “Mom” She turned and shared an embrace with her son.

          “How are you Kalvin?” She asked.

          “I’m fine, but I just wanted to make sure no one brought my piece yet.” Dottie smirked at him.

          “You know, that was Porrim’s job.”

          “Mom”

          “There’s been one woman snooping around at all of her paintings.”

          “MMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM”

          "Whining won’t help if it’s been brought already. And I didn’t get my kiss.” Kalvin smiled. At almost 70, the woman was still full of spunk and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He kissed her cheek and she ruffled his hair. “And no, no one’s brought the painting. Do you think I’d really be that careless with it? Though technically, it’s mine. The bidding got a little higher than you expected." His eyes widened and he shook his head.

          “She’s talented” He smiled. His mother nodded, before pulling him close as she often did. “What’s wrong?” She asked.

          “What makes you think something’s wrong?” He asked. Dottie merely quirked an eyebrow at him. “How can you _tell_ when something’s wrong?” He rephrased. She hugged him again.

          “I’m your mother” She scolded him. He sighed.

          “She doesn’t see me as a father. She called us her ‘fake family’ and that was just today.” Dottie scoffed at that, and scuffed him lightly on the head.

          “Does she see Nepeta as a sister?” Kalvin nodded. “And she sees Lilith as her mother I assume?” Again, he nodded. “Then don’t worry about her. Just focus on the two you actually have time with. After a while of everyone else trusting you, she’ll realize she can to.” Dottie patted his head a few times. “And buying her painting is probably a good help as well.” He nodded a few more times. “And as much as I don’t agree with the little plan you’re putting poor Kankri through” Kalvin froze slid as Dottie’s arms got impossibly tight, locking him in. “I can’t disagree that it will probably have the effects you’re looking for. Though to be honest, Meulin is only half the problem in that equation.” She patted his head a few more times, before going onto the floor and taking down the painting for him. He returned to see Meulin talking with everyone and the same lady in blue from before.

          “SO IT’S SETTLED! IF MOM SAYS YES WE CAN HAVE JADE, JOHN, DAVE, AND ROSE OVER SO THAT THEIR PARENT’S CAN HAVE A NICE NIGHT OUT”

          “What’s going on?” He asked. Damara waved to get Meulin’s attention. She stopped talking, and the young woman they were with turned to him.

          “Hello, my name is Jane. I just noticed that the talented young artist had a couple of friends around the age of…a few of the children in my home. I was trying to set up a play date. The only one that’s found any friends here has been Dave, and that’s only because he leaves in the morning and spends all his time online. He mentioned a rap group around here?” Gamzee raised one of his ever present horns and gave it a honk to…Kalvin wasn’t sure what he was doing actually, but Karkat seemed to know as he just face palmed and ignored him. Jane smiled at him, before turning back to Kalvin. “Are you one of the parents?” She asked, noticing the similarity between he and Karkat.

          “I am actually. You must be the new family that moved in. How are you liking Alternus?” She frowned once.

          “Well, there are a lot of positives I suppose. But the children aren’t adjusting to a new area very well, and besides that—when you move it always takes a while for your heart to get with the program don’t you agree?” Kalvin laughed at that.

          “I can relate. I thought I could find greener pastures, but then this place just pulled me in again. But it really is a wonderful town!” She nodded

          “I’ve realized. My bake shop never got as much business back in Prospit”

          “OH—you’re the shop that opened up on main street” Jane nodded. “You’ll have good business here. The only other bake shop shut down _years_ ago so that Connie could pursue politics. Great new mayor, but we miss her cookies.” Jane’s eye widened.

          “Her daughter is that Meenah girl right?” Kalvin nodded. “Oh that settles it; I’m definitely letting her work there for the summer. If I’m lucky we can split recipes.” The conversation between the adults lasted until Dottie came forward with the purchases. Sometime during it, Kankri had wandered back in and was giving a sermon/screaming with Karkat. This did not disturb the two adults, though neither of them mentioned that they were used to it. Jane smiled back at Meulin once she had her purchases and made sure she was being looked at before talking. “It was a pleasure doing business with you dear. If you make any more just let me know. I wanted to hang the third up in my shop.”

          “IF I FIG—FUR OUT SOMETHING FOR CLAW—CAKES YOU’LL BE THE FIRST PAWS I STOP AT!” Jane nodded to the younger woman, and went to go put her paintings into her car.  Kalvin grabbed Meulin’s shoulder to get her attention. She turned to him.

          “Meulin, I’ve been thinking a lot about how much you’ve been working and I’ve decided…you deserve a little break.” Meulin blinked at him, understanding his words though not what they meant. “I’m going to just go on the wrongful assumption that the object in your bag is regular key lime pie.” She blushed and tried to look away. Kalvin grabbed her by her chin and made her look back up at him. “I am also, going to let you spend whoever long it takes you to get back home with your friends to celebrate. Her eyes got wide, and she almost gave a joyful whoop until he added the “With a few rules” she sighed again. He begin to sign.

 

 ** _This way, you can’t pretend you didn’t see me say anything. Rule number one: If you are doing illegal things try not to get caught._** She looked surprised at this, until she remembered that apparently, he met her mother at a protest. She also remembered hearing a tale back when she could hear about the lengthy jail stays in his rebellious youth. **_Rule number two, come home to crash. Alright?_** She nodded and he sighed in relief. **_Rule number three, no riding around in Kurloz’s death trap or that glorified piece of tape you call a car._** She got confused at that. If she wasn’t driving her car or Kurloz’s car, how were they getting around. **_Kankri is going to drive you anywhere you need to go. For the love of your Mirthful Messiahs, don’t traumatize him._** Meulin’s eyes widened in terror. Kurloz cringed and Gamzee’s ever present smile flipped upside down.

          “KANKRI” Kalvin called. The teen stepped up to attention. “Now Kankri, I promised you could drive the van tonight” Kankri nodded at once. “now that comes with a few rules”

          “I know, never cross the yellow lines, don’t go beyond the speed limit, which won’t be a problem because the limit is 30 and I don’t plan on going an inch faster than 15—there’s going to be precious cargo after all—”

          “There is precious cargo” Kalvin agreed. “You’re driving Meulin and her friends around tonight.”

          “WHAT!”

          “Unless you don’t want to. Kurloz has proven himself a capable driver under stress and I don’t _want_ to go back on a promise, but if you were offered the chance to drive and didn’t take it due to personal hang ups…”

          “I want to drive!” Kankri begged. “It’s just…they’re all filthy sinners Father! And while I respect their ability to follow the wrong religion, I feel they might poison the car. If they give up their weird fake religion and praise god like normal people, then they'll be much happier in the long run. I've actually composed an eight page paper on the subject. I could have written more if I knew more about the religion, but I know what I need to. For one, it’s obviously contagious and it's also devil worship-as worshiping any god but the real god is worshiping Satan in disguise no matter what you call him. You already lost Meulin and Karkat to it. Are you sure I’m allowed to be near them? As you say, love all people and respect their differences, but these differences shouldn’t be respected, they should be thrown in a strait jacket so that they don’t continue to pollute the minds and hearts of the sav—”

          “KANKRI BARTHOLOMEW VANTAS! RULE NUMBER ONE IS NO PREACHING.” Kankri shut his mouth at once. “At least for tonight” Kalvin said, getting a hold of himself. “While you take them around, no preaching. As much as I’ve tried to drill acceptance into your head, you still seem to think it means acceptance on your own terms. If I believe in God, fine. If they believe in Mirthful Messiahs, fine. It is their belief system and you will respect that. They have just as much right to practice their religion as we do. Rule number one, no preaching. Rule number two, take them wherever they say, and Rule number three is don’t ruin their fun. Now, do you accept to take them driving, or are you going to give the keys to Kurloz?” Kankri almost did give away the keys. (Not that Kurloz would have drove, Kalvin would’ve taken the wheel not that Kankri needed to know that) but once he looked at the other boy in all his skeletal glory he couldn’t do it. Kankri’s pride made it so that he would rather torture himself all night then trust a Makara with anything. It went along perfectly with Kalvin’s plan. It may have been a bit underhanded, but he wanted his kids to start acting like they were actually siblings, and if that meant sacrificing Kankri to the gods of the Makaras…well, he pray a little harder for his eldest son to be alright at the end of it.

Karkat and Nepeta piled into Meulin’s car as Kalvin placed the painting he had gotten in the back. Truthfully, the painting was probably quite a bit safer than the people. The car had once been a pickup many years ago. Meulin had fallen in love with it at a used car lot, brought it for $400 and had begged Nepeta to beg Equius to modify the back with a cage to cart around her art supplies. (Equius had also flatly refused to have his best friend’s sister riding around with the engine the thing had and recruited his brother into fixing it. It was a mixed blessing. On one hand, the fix up was probably the only reason the thing hadn’t blown up with Meulin inside. On the other, it’s not blown up status meant that it was ‘safe’ to drive.) The entire thing had been painted over in olive green and she’d used tar, yes tar, to make all sorts of paw prints on the places where duck tape couldn’t be used to fix what was left of the frame. The problem wasn’t money, and Kalvin, Lilith, Porrim, and Dottie had offered to buy her a new one. She was just in love with the thing. Kalvin drove home in relative silence (as Meulin had no use for a working radio).

          “I really don’t feel like cooking tonight.” He admitted. “Chinese?” The two next to him nodded.

          “Szechwan chicken.”  Karkat requested.

          “Sweet and Sour Shrimp” Nepeta purred. She gasped quietly. “Do we have Rocky Road at the house?” She asked suddenly. “Or Snickers flavored?” Kalvin hmmed under his breath.

          “I don’t think so”

          “We need Rocky Road…or Snickers flavored. And 27 dresses if Kanaya borrowed it. Karkat’s date didn’t go well.” Kalvin doesn’t bother to ask the teenager how she knows that. He sees out of the corner of his eye, the boy’s shoulders freeze, and his eyes go wide with unshed tears. He knows for a fact that Kanaya did _not_ in fact borrow Karkat’s favorite movie, and mentally prepares himself for a long night of his son sobbing into ice cream. He almost wished he hadn’t sent Meulin out with Kankri, only because it was the only time Kankri’s inability to shut up came in handy.


	5. Sibling talks, you can never predict them

Kalvin hadn’t had to worry about Karkat. After diner, Nepeta had grabbed him immediately after dinner and locked the two of them in her room. Karkat sat in the middle of the floor, only to be up immediately picked up to help with moving the t.v into the room.  Karkat stared at his sister as she made a small pile on the floor of cushions, pillows, stuffed animals, even clothing, anything soft she find.

          “It helps calm Equius down when one of his projects don’t go as planned.” She explained. He raised an eyebrow. “Sit” She ordered. He sighed, but obeyed his sister. Once she had him in the pile, she turned on the movie and snuggled in with him. He got the rocky road, she took the snickers. Both ice creams had two spoons in them anyway. “So…what happened?” She asked. He just grumbled and sank deeper into the cushions.

          “You know what happened. I asked you to re—crunch the numbers for a year. You always said there was something off. There was only a 12% chance of it happening, your own words. I just…It’s stupid” Nepeta shoved ice cream in his mouth. Karkat looked at her out of the corner of his eye, but she was calm. His eyes slid back to the television, then her. It didn’t matter, he couldn’t focus on the movie he knew all the words to. “That’s it!?” She blinked at him. “You’re just going to give up?! What happened to helping me? What the fuck Nepeta, you can’t ask me questions like that and then let it hang. Do you want to know or not!” She blinked at him twice, then reached out and grabbed his head. While he protested wildly, she just hugged him close to her non existent chest.

          “Do you want to tell me yet?” She asked gently. Karkat flailed.

          “GET THE FUCK OFF ME AND I’LL TALK I SWEAR!” She let go and he over dramatically gasped for air. “I have to have a conversation with sweaty Mc’Weirdo if he snuggles into your chest. THAT’S NOT COOL!”

          “Actually my arm is higher and I start to suffocate him until he calm down and agrees to talk. I just know that I’m way stronger than you.” Karkat blinked at her a few times. He wished that she was playing a prank on him, but she didn’t really have a ‘bold faced lie’ setting. He shuddered once, then grabbed a pillow to hold between them as a sort of barrier. She smirked at him. “So, you were telling me what happened on the date from Hell?” Karkat sighed, then reached over and took a spoonful of her snickers.

          “Well, she came here, like _right_ after you left. And well, I started freaking out, and Kankri was still upset about Gamzee—”

          “Don’t tell me Kankri opened the door” Karkat nodded. Nepeta gave a deep sigh and massaged her temples.

          “It got worse” She lowered said hands so that her gaze was not obstructed as she searched his face for an answer to the unspoken question of ‘how’. “Latula was with her”. Nepeta actually screamed as she got up and started pacing in anger.

          “AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH When will Kankri learn! You know he actually had the CLAWS to come in here and try to rearrange my wall! Like I wouldn’t know my own Charcoal drawings from his pieces of shit! Had the Audacity to tell me MY math was off. I told him, Cronus was a good match,  hell—Cronus was his _perfect_ match—HE’S THE ONLY ONE THAT LISTENS TO THE SHIT HE SPEWS AND ON TOP OF IT HE THINKS HE’S A 50’S STYLE ALIEN. I say give him a chance, what does he do? He dates the poor boy for a week and then dumps him just because he’s not ‘supposed’ to date boys. WHAT! Who the hell actually cares!? I’ve talked to Dad, he DOES NOT GIVE TWO SHITS! On top of it I _KNOW_ Mom doesn’t care! And he tells me I must have my LIFE’S WORK WRONG BECAUSE I DON’T SEE HIM WITH LATULA! They are completely incompatible, and that WEASLEY LITTLE SHIT—” Karkat had curled up in the blankets, a bit terrified of the fire she was spitting almost literally. When she didn’t slow down or lose steam, he knew what he had to do and jumped up to shove a spoonful of ice cream down her throat. She choked a moment before it melted. Karkat grabbed her shoulders and guided her back to the pile. He knew better than to mess with Nepeta’s math, hell—EVERYONE knew to respect Nepeta’s chosen profession. She’d wanted it long enough that she was a damn near physic in matters of the heart. Only Kankri would _ever_ be that stupid. There were still parts of her wall and master shipping binder where she’d refused to let anyone wipe away his blood as a warning. She allowed him to place her back in the pile, but was shaking with anger.

          “So…yeah, after we left” Karkat said, hoping to break her concentration on her hatred of his brother. “I had to stop her from licking everything…like EVERYTHING!” Nepeta giggled. It was well known that Terezi had Synesthesia, and LOVED the color of most smells. It had never been confirmed weather or not she also tasted color, but she seemed to be able to as most of her favorite foods were white, red, or both. “She tried to eat my hair” Karkat said, as he noted the smile on Nepeta’s face. “I guess I didn’t dye it well enough, because she grabbed me and started sniffing at my roots!” Nepeta actually does burst into laughter there. She could see it in mind’s eye. Terezi was actually a little bit taller than Karkat, and leagues stronger.  The 15 year old had probably grabbed him in a head lock and held him down to sniff at the roots without his flailing actually hurting her. Karkat nodded. “Karkat! I can’t believe you were keeping this deliciousness a secret from me” He starts, in a fairly good impression of her shriekey tongue. Nepeta’s laughter was contagious and soon he joined in said laughter. 

          “You sound JUST like her!” Karkat gave a small bow to that.

          “Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all…well, I live here, so” Nepeta, still giggling got up and got the binder, as well as a pen. She made a few minuscule changes. She frowned again.

          “Oh god. What?”

          “You still don’t have a good match. Like, you’d be GREAT with Sollux, but only half the time. You and Eridan are strange. I really want to paint you both as black, but I feel like you platonically hate him enough to make it odd. Hmmmm” She focused on the book a bit more. “How do you feel about incest?” She asked gently. He got red instantly.

          “Ummm…I’m open minded, but if you say I’m supposed to be with Kankri I’m going to have to confiscate that book, burn it, and throw you in a mental facility.” Nepeta threw back her head and laughed long and loud.

          “I was talking about me, but I see that there’s a firm ‘no’ on that” She snickered some more as she looked at the binder again. “I shouldn’t have told Tavros to get together with Gamzee” She said sadly. Karkat’s eyes widened.

          “Is something wrong? I thought they were fine? They seem like they’re doing really well” She shook her head.

          “No, it’s just that Gamzee is the best match for you. It’s why I told you to become his friend, I was trying to let Tavros get his best match…but Tav is nice, I’d have found someone for him. But now my brother is sad” Karkat gave her a one armed hug while using the other to scoop more ice cream into his mouth.

          “Eh, your brother’ll figure it out. Tavros deserves to be happy…for once” Nepeta smiled, but it didn’t quite hit her eyes. “Besides.” He adds. “You’re the relationship guru. With great power comes great responsibility. You have to make sure everyone gets together with their ‘perfect’ match, not their—good enough to make people I like happy match.” This time there was a real smile.

          “That’s actually the only reason I haven’t directed Kurloz to Cronus. They’d be good together. Not great, but happy. Kurloz deserves to be happy with how much he's NOT going to get back together with Meulin. But then I think of how much I want to stick it to Kankri.” Karkat mulls over the statement.

          “Stick it to Kankri. Cronus can wait to be happy. They’re both annoying, they can wait.” Nepeta snickers. As the movie ends, they restart it, using it more for back ground noise.

          “So what happened when you actually got to the fair?” Karkat scoffed.

          “She _loved_ the fair. Went on every ride twice…and had me hold all the shit that she managed to win herself.” Nepeta burst out laughing again. Karkat scowled, until he was taken in once again by her contagious laughter and also fell apart. Nepeta’s eyes widened suddenly. She went to her binder and made a few more calculations, then scowled.

          “Dammit. I was hoping for a match with Equius” Karkat shuddered. “He is NOT that bad.”

          “I know, I know. Best friend, I’m sure there’s a whole side to him I’m not seeing but I just don’t like the guy. Plus, Terezi _tastes_ everything, all that sweat?” Nepeta turned green, which was actually very impressive with the darkness of her skin.

          “Oh..eww..I…ugh…just…ughhtghhgagh” Karkat hugged his sister as she shuddered through the idea of what all that sweat would taste like.

          “Ok, It’s fine”

          “I can’t believe I thought of that even as a passing thought. Oh eewww. I call her my friend. I roleplay with her, I’m supposed to think of her at times. Ahh. I almost want to subject myself to one of your brothers’s rants for how mean that was.” Karkat ran his hand up and down her arm trying to get her to stop shaking

          “It’s no problem, it was just a thought. Everyone has them. You just need to find someone _else_ albino for Terezi. Someone that doesn’t dye their hair or wear contacts…and doesn’t mind her sniffing them.” Nepeta popped up at that

          “I met another albino this morning.” Karkat blinked at her.

          “I thought we were the only ones in town?” ‘We’ referred specifically to the Vantas’. Kalvin Vantas had not taken to being a father very well. Though the two probably had more siblings floating out there, only the two born with his condition had been accepted by Dottie. Nepeta shook her head.

          “One of the new people. I couldn’t get a good read on his personality. He seemed cool though…like…cool.”

          “Well cool, that’s…good?”

          “I don’t know yet. He was cool…but like, his cool was a mask. There was something underneath. I just didn’t find it yet.” She tilted her head in thought. “I’m not particularly sure it was a bad thing he was hiding, just hiding. Maybe I should make him friends with Aunt Porrim. She’s good at stripping people of their pretenses and leaving their vulnerable husks behind.” Karkat stared at her in open mouthed horror. While it was true what she said about aunt Porrim, it shouldn’t have been stated so bluntly. “Then again, if I want to set him up with Terezi afterward I probably shouldn’t let them meet. Even though her shell tripping is an impressive tool and I _really_ want to know how to do that…she kinda sleeps with them first most of the time.” She stopped to think again. “I forgot to ask if he’s legal” She mussed out loud. “Would Auntie Porrim care? She might not care”

          “NEPETA!” The girl clicked out of her own mind to look at her brother. “Please, for my sanity—STOP TALKING NOW!” She closed her mouth with an audible click, zipping her lips for good measure, and turned to watch the rest of the movie. Karkat did so as well, though the fact that she would callously use their aunt to do a personality check on anyone was terrifying (though not as terrifying as the fact that Porrim would probably be game for it). The teens finished 27 dresses. Then Nepeta threw in ‘The Proposal’ just to make sure that Karkat’s mood was stabilized. They fell asleep sometime in the early hours of the morning, while Nepeta was teaching him some basic signs (partly to communicate with Meulin, mostly to send messages between each other without Kankri hanging over them). Kalvin actually wasn’t aware of the exact minute the two went to bed. He sat in the living room with the painting he’d brought. Lilith was going to kill him, there wasn’t exactly a lot of open wall space in the house, but he was hoping they’d be able to keep it in Karkat’s room. (It was the only room in the house with both the space and person that _didn’t_ use his wall as…well, everything)

 

The picture was actually very simple. A portrait of her family. Half the painting was red, the other half green, with white and black lines sketching out the vague silhouettes of people. Kalvin recognized the people where they were, it was why he liked the picture so much. Karkat was a series of white lines on red that melded with Nepeta’s black lines. There was actually a section of Karkat’s white lines completely in green, whereas Nepeta’s black lines traveled all the way to the far side of red, where the two straight white lines dictated Kankri was. She had also managed to portray different feelings with colors. Kankri’s red was angry, and it bled into Karkat. The green from Nepeta was like grass and innocence. A curious color that winded it’s way where it didn’t belong. Meulin’s own green was half of Nepeta’s innocence clashing with an adventurous shade the color of the treetops. She was slashed through with black lines, showcasing her hair and even a tattoo or two. She was also firmly green. But she at least had more than one shade then just Kankri’s anger. The largest subjects, Lilith and Kalvin himself bled into each other to the point where you could barely tell green from red. They were more muted, though the fire red could be seen through flecks, as well as adventure green. There was also a heart there, the only thing not implied or an obscure reference to people that didn’t know it was there. The Heart was very small, and at the juncture where Kalvin and Lilith met, but the white was on a green that looked like home felt, and the black on a red that warmed his heart with love.

 

The door opened at going on 4 in the morning. Kankri came in grumbling as he clung to a half unconscious Meulin. Meulin herself had her eyes opened inhumanly wide. She was breathing out something about miracles. Kankri jumped when he noticed that Kalvin was still awake, as if he’d forgotten he’d gotten permission to be out that late. Also as if he thought he’d done anything in his life to get in trouble with his father.

          “Umm…are we allowed to have guests over? Mr. Makara isn’t home and it's kind of not safe to allow in good conscious the…umm” Kankri stopped as Kurloz and Gamzee came shuffling in, and shuffling was an appropriate word. At first glance, neither of them were awake. At second glance, they were supporting each other and shaking slightly.

          “Go to Karkat’s room both of you…if you can get up the stairs.” Kurloz nodded, and Gamzee tried to take a few steps without his cousin, leading to both of them ending up on the floor. It took two hours, but Kankri and Kalvin managed to get everyone upstairs, in appropriate sleeping wear, and positioned well enough that they shouldn't kill themselves in their sleep by accident. Once he was sure they were all alright, Kalvin went to his own room and collapsed. He agreed with whoever said that art had the power to touch the soul, because the heart burned in his mind, and kept him from murdering anyone that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, real talk. I thought I had a lot more time on this, but as it turns out, I'm TERRIBLE at time management and it's late. Does anyone care about the characterization and such or should I just rush through the rest A.F.A.P. to get it to the person it's for?


	6. Flashbacks with Graham 'Highblood'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I'm an idiot. In being an idiot and panicking over the thought that I might be late for kingkitsu's birthday, I sent them the link to this story...which is still being written because as it turns out I had as much time as I thought I did. I'm an idiot...and stupid...and a moron...and I really hope they don't click the link while this is still being done and is terrible. I'm so sorry.

Graham Makara’s arrival in the morning was expected, though not necessarily pleasant. Kalvin was prepared for his old friend’s arrival, and so when there was a roar that almost shattered the windows accompanied by a banging on the door that shook the house, all the elder Vantas did was roll out of bed, go down stairs, and invite the other in for breakfast. Karkat, Nepeta, and Kankri were all awoken by the screaming. Kurloz and Gamzee seemed to be able to sleep through it (probably from practice), though they were soon woken up by Karkat. Nepeta woke Meulin up (somehow) and she was lured downstairs by the smell of bacon. Kankri and Meulin both hadn’t expected the Makaras to be there the next morning, so the sight of all three of them crowded at the table caused a vocal reaction from both of them. Kankri groaned down to his feet and tried to go back upstairs, but the smell of coffee kept him from doing so, Meulin on the other hand squealed happily and sat next to Kurloz, the two begin to sign happily, much to Kankri’s displeasure. Kalvin had baked blueberry muffins from scratch as a gift to Kankri, both for taking care of his sister and for managing to look past his own prejudices to think of the Makara boys. Kankri didn’t seem to notice as he mechanically shoved one down his throat with an orange juice chaser.

          “Aww” Graham cooed. “Look at you all domestic and shit. Brings a tear to a motherfucker’s eye right now” Kalvin snorted as he placed out the hash browns.

          “I settled down. Blame my mother…and my kids.” He looked up at one of the kids then. “Nepeta, you need more than just bacon on your plate” he scolded. The youngest pouted, before taking some hash browns to eat with her bacon and tea. “And someone tap Meulin and remind her that there’s no work at the table.” Kankri, who had just poured his coffee and taken a slug, ripped the sketchbook out of her hand as she was showing Kurloz something. She turned in a fury, stopped only because Kurloz grabbed her shoulders.

          “Karkat” Gamzee poked at his best friend as he tried a muffin. “Is your preachy brother all up and alright? He don’t seem to…alright” Karkat snickered

          “He’s fine, he’ll be talking everyone’s ear off again in a few hours. He’s just not a very _pleasant_ morning person.” Gamzee nodded cautiously as the aforementioned boy literally ripped apart his bacon before mercifully consuming it. “Enjoy it. It’s the only time he’s quiet” Kankri, possibly hearing the boy across from him, raised his head to level a glare at his brother. Graham gave a whooping laugh

          “Haven’t seen that much fire since you doused yourself that time.” Kalvin glared at him.

          “If I remember correctly, _you_ doused me”

          “Maybe, but it was your idea in the first place my ninja” Kalvin nodded to that, sitting down himself.

          “What the motherfuck are ya’ll takin about?” Gamzee asked. Karkat groaned, Kankri glared, Nepeta smiled, and prodded her sister. She made a flurry of signs and Meulin turned with a smile that almost split her face.

          “ARE MEW TELLING JAIL STORIES AGAIN!? THOSE ARE THE BEST!” Kalvin raised both hands and shook his head; unfortunately, Graham had been there for a few of the prison stories.

          “So check it lil motherfuckers. This bright ass at 10 motherfuckin years of age was already an annoying ass protester. Had me workin with him on damage cause—”

          “Do—” Kurloz stopped talking as soon as he started, looking mildly horrified. He instead signed. **_Don’t a motherfucker mean ‘Damage_ control?**” Kalvin _and_ Graham burst out laughing at that.

          “Nah, my most Bitch tits ass ninja, I was Damage Causation. And I heard that, ‘nother week added unto your ungrateful ass. Messiahs don’t ask much. For all they give and your stupid ass self can’t even give them a month without your whiney ass mouth.” Kurloz bowed his head at his father. Kalvin winced

          “Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh Graham?” Graham glowers at Kalvin. “He spoke for less than a second. I’m sure the Messiahs have a bit more forgiveness then that.” Graham lifted an eyebrow.

          “Nah, they got all sorts of pissed ever since once one of their first worshipers went and mother fuckin _defected._ ” Kalvin shook his head and blushed at that.

          “I’m sorry, truly I am. But I didn’t have time to put on _paint_ before every protest I went to. How’d you get yours into jail anyway?” Graham laughed.

          “Secrets my brother. All the motherfuckin secrets.” Kalvin scoffed and shook his head. “Besides, didn’t think a lil motherfucker runnin ‘round would stop you. What happened to all that bitch tits determination?”

          “A little one didn’t stop me.” Kalvin revealed. “Two of them did.” Graham shook his head.

          “Stopped you in your motherfuckin tracks brother?” Kalvin smiled widely.

          “So after the brilliant idea you didn’t talk me out of—”

          “Shit was motherfuckin glorious. I sent up an extra prayer just to up and make sure you were still standing, and you were.” Kalvin laughed.

          “So after that—” Kurloz rapped on the table wildly, his eyes wide

**_ What the motherfuck was the plan? You used to worship the Messiahs? When? What the motherfuck up and happened to you! THIS MOTHER FUCKER NEEDS ANSWERS MY NINJA! _ **

          “This town wasn’t always a good place. Before Pyrope got in charge the police were corrupt and downright evil. This clown” Kalvin said affectionately “And I started a new religion in his basement. We figured with all the evil in the world if God existed he saw us as a joke.” Kankri growled lowly, and stood up, leaving the table and taking a muffin and his coffee with him.

          “Man we ain’t make up nothin. Saw the motherfucin truth down there. Government tried to motherfuckin regulate ‘cause our miricale drug was showin us the truth.” Kalvin shook his head.

          “I still don’t see how you managed to get it legalized for religious purposes.”

          “Aint you up and hear me? The Messiahs up and showed me how to spread the truth to all. That’s the thing, if you stay strong, don’t start spreadin fucking lies like they up and want you to, our Mirthful saviors handle the rest.” Kalvin nodded.

          “Well, we had decided if humanity was a joke, then we were going to make sure there was something to laugh about. And if we kept whoever was watching laughing, we’d be fine”

          “That was how us motherfuckers _started_ the religion. First motherfucking rule right there. Whoop Whoop”

          “Whoop Whoop” Gamzee and Meulin obediently repeated. Kurloz signed it, Karkat smacked his palm to his face, and Nepeta just took a sip of tea.

          “Anyway, a _really_ funny joke was to give the head of the corrupt police department a hug…on fire”

          “I already up and told you I sent another prayer your way. Say what you want, Messiahs must thought you were hilarious”

          “Yeah well, my mom didn’t share their ideas. She nearly had a heart attack after that stunt when I was 14.” Graham scoffed.

          “So you motherfuckin ran”

          “You bet your ass I did. Got out on good behavior after a year and went hopping around the country to stop injustice. I still don’t know how you got the religion so much steam staying in the same place.”

          “Hold the motherfuck up” Gamzee said suddenly. “You don’t look that much motherfuckin older than Uncle Graham.”

          “Younger” Kalvin replied, with a sip to his cold coffee.

           “ _YOUNGER_ ” Kalvin nodded. “So what about the motherfucker in the next room?” Kalvin blushed at that.

          “Yo, Gamzee brings up a good point. You musta had him right before you got out that time.”

          “ _AFTER_.” Kalvin groaned. “And in my defense, I kept in contact through letters. His mother left him on _my_ mother’s doorstep.” There was whooping from Graham then

          “So you all settled down with his ma then” Kalvin blushed harder.

          “Not exactly.” He confessed. “Kankri lived with mom until he was about…I want to say 8. Then Karkat showed up. His mother had died and the cops still had my D.N.A. on record. Then mom called me and told me the _next_ person I slept with I had to at least date. I met Lilith three protests later and we just…clicked.” Graham Threw back his head and laughed.

          “YYYYYYYYOOOOOOO THAT IS THE _BEST_ MOTHER FUCKIN JOKE” He laughed more, and had to reach for a towel to tap at his eyes. “This motherfucker got all up and bullied into datin and found his wife. The same girl we had runnin posters for our protest way back when. Kalvin laughed to.

          “When you put it that way, it is kinda funny how life works”

          “So when you and your family coming back to the church and giving up all this sacrilegious bullshit?” Kalvin hmmed and pretended to think about it.

          “I make no promises, but if you drag your family to Mass, I’ll drag mine to Massacre.” Graham blinked at him once, then again.

          “You not spoutin false prophecy again are you.” Kalvin shook his head.

          “Hand to my god” Graham reached over and gave the other man a hug.

          “Yo if sittin though some hypocritical ass nonsense was all it took, we’ll be there next week. Might even up and get some motherfuckers to take off their paint.” Gamzee and Kurloz gave sharp intakes of breath at that and stared at Graham in horror. Kalvin laughed.

          “I highly doubt that, but if you’re not wearing face paint, I’ll let Meulin paint ours” Meulin almost missed that, as Kurloz stoped sighning, but Nepeta had started as she noticed his frozen state. She screamed in joy while Karkat shuddered.

          “Please don’t come to our church” Nepeta begged. Everyone (save Meulin, whom had snatched back her sketchbook and was trying to figure out patterns for everyone) turned to look at her. “Please, I’m just a child. Kankri’s going to be insufferable for _forever_ …even more so than usual.” Kalvin hugged his youngest daughter close as possible.

          “Don’t worry, I’ll keep his away from you. Besides, it’ll be my fault, I made the deal. I don’t mind suffering for those I love” Meulin screamed again.

          “I NE—FUR REALISED HOW MEE—Y ANGLES KAN—KITTY HAS ON HIS FACE! THIS PATTERN IS PUR—FECT FOR HIM!” Kalvin sighed.

          “Maybe you could be nice and _keep_ the paint?” Graham only grinned.

          “If we show up sober will you and yours breathe in the wicked truths?” Kalvin sighed. He should have known better, Kankri tormenting him for the rest of his life probably sounded like a _great_ joke. He recalled his old pattern from memory, back when he sat in other's basement and called himself Signless. If the religion had progressed using the same roots, Graham was called 'Highblood' and you had to offer a piece of artwork to the church. Damn, he was  _terrible_ at art. Perhaps if he begged really hard and wasn't in the dog house for bringing Nepeta to Massacre, Lilith might consider helping him draw something to sacrifice to the walls of the chapel. 


	7. Dinner plans and Robots

Today was a Zahhak day (Zahhak overnighter actually). Why? Because before they had moved away, Lilith had signed some sort of agreement that said that sometimes the girls would hang out at their house and sometimes the boys would live with them for a few days. Nepeta didn’t know or care, it just meant she got to see her best friend Equius more. Funnily enough, the Vantas’ were almost _never_ around, usually being sent on various errands the hours before they were due to be picked up. It was weird.  Lilith was also usually not around; she’d drop them off at the family owned country club and drive off, or not be at home when Dereck Zahhak came to pick them up. It was weird, but the kind of weird that the girls had grown up with. When they weren’t in town it was even weirder, their mom would drop them off at Miss Peixes and he would get them from there, only to drop them back off when he was done with them (about a week later) and their mom to come get them from wherever she’d been while they were there. The boys would also stay in their little 3 bedroom apartment when they came over, though they seemed unhappy with the settings. It was extra weird. Usually their mom would be running off to new stories (as she’d been a freelance journalist) and counting pennies and calling in favors. The only time she claimed _not_ to need money was a few days after the boys would go back to their father, as he sent a check in the mail that she ended up ripping up and then calling to scream at him about it. It was probably a pride thing. Meulin had always found it stranger than her sister as it started when she was 8. Lilith had often told her that she would explain it when she was older, but Lilith was horribly scatterbrained with matters she didn’t find important (or that it made her angry to talk about) so at 20, Meulin _still_ didn’t quite know what was going on with the adults. (But she had a few hints, mostly the fact that she and Horuss shared a birthday.) That being said, it was Kalvin this time that drove them to the country club at the edge of town.(As Lilith was not there to give chores) He was a trouper, even through multiple insistences of the fact that they were more than capable of walking the half mile drive even as children and ‘mom usually leaves us right here’ ‘no it’s _tot—pur—ly_ alright, we’re used to this’ he drove them all the way  to the front door, where all three Zahhak men were waiting. Dereck seemed more put out than his kids at the fact that Kalvin not only drove up, but had gotten out of the car and was walking over with both girls right behind him. (Though Kankri and Karkat seemed content to stay in the car)

          “Hello!” Kalvin chirped happily, holding out his hand to be shaken. It was his first time seeing the other man, as they had missed each other before. The 42 year old looked down at him, not to be rude, but the fact remained that he was almost 8 feet tall, and the other man was about 5’3”, even shorter than Lilith herself. Dereck reeled backwards slightly, due to the combined force of the coloring of the man—as he was stark white, from the fluffy tips of his short hair to every visible inch. The only parts of him that weren’t ghostly pale were the almost demonic eyes glowing red from even behind his sunglasses. He was also put off by who the man actually was, and the fact that someone was actively trying to shake his hand. The Zahhaks all had the strange condition hyperhidrosis, which when coupled with their constant fear of breaking anything with their almost inhuman strength (caused by a combination of working out near constantly, lifting heavy machinery, pulling around wild horses while training them, and just naturally being _very strong._ ) was a very big problem and led to a distinct lack of physical contact. So when Kalvin offered to shake hands, Dereck started sweating profusely again.

          “I…Um…that is either very kind, or extremely stupid of you to offer. I must refuse on the simple objection that there is a very real chance I will break your hand. I appreciate the sentiment however.” Another thing the Zahhaks didn’t do well was smile, especially under pressure, but the African born American Citizen tried his hardest, forcing a grin and shifting his blue eyes franticly, as if his children or the girls would have the answer to the question of if he was refusing correctly. Kalvin lowered his hand, his smile faltered for a moment before coming back just as brightly as before.

          “Well, to each his own I suppose. You know what strange thing I’ve noticed?” Dereck raised an eyebrow at the man, and noted absently that the children in the car seemed more nervous than anything. “This arrangement’s been going on, according to Nepeta, before she can even remember” Dereck coughed once, but nodded, sweating even worse. “It occurs to me that since we’ve moved back, the boys haven’t been over once”

          “I apologize for that” Dereck interrupted. “It was my idea I will admit, but it was not meant to be rude. I simply must have been misinformed about both the size of your home and of a suitable time period requested in order to get to know…” He took a deep breath. “To learn about…y,y… _your_ …” He faltered, glancing behind the man at the cat girls, hoping either of them would help him at the moment. Rather than help, both girls looked hopeful and happy about something. He looked back up at Kalvin, and couldn’t finish the sentence, but Kalvin kept an easygoing smile on his face.

          “I don’t think you’ve actually met my children.” He smiled and looked behind him, noticing for the first time that neither boy was out of the car. He scowled at them, before brightening back up as he turned back to Dereck. “Well, the long and short of it is, we’ve lived in the same town for years now, and I have never taken the initiative to invite you over for dinner. Lilith is out of town right now, but she’ll be back tomorrow night. I bet it would be a wonderful surprise if you came over. She hasn’t seen you in how long now?” Dereck coughed again.

          “I have not kept an adequate record. The last time we spoke was when she moved back to discuss the children. The last time we saw each other was roughly…nine years 300 days and 16 hours ago. If I recall correctly, the subject of the conversation was due to a missed meeting and…” The dark skinned man blushed so furiously that it could actually be seen on his skin as he started sweating even more furiously. “you. It terminated when she threw an object of enough density to bruise me. I believe it was an industrial blow dryer I had modified specifically for Meulin’s rather untamable hair.” Kalvin blinked at him a few times, causing the older man to bite his lip a bit. “Not that I remember all the details” Dereck finished lamely. “Also-I-do-not-believe-this-will-be-a-good-idea. We-did-not-part-on-good-terms.There-was-a-lot-of-hissing-and-spiting-and-cursing-she-very-much-lived-up-to-the-nickname-Wild-Cat.” Kalvin raised a hand to stop him in his tracks, even as he started to go blue in the face from the lack of breathing between his ranting.

          “I’m sure everything will work out just fine.” Kalvin promised, lying through his teeth and ignoring the facts that Dereck knew both when they had last spoken and the fact that it was shortly after he and Lilith had started dating. “I insist. Besides, it’s been almost ten years. I assure you, whatever the problem, she’s gotten over it long ago.” That was another bold faced lie and both men knew it. The woman could hold grudges like no one’s business; it was why she had so many enemies and also why she published indiscriminately. Dereck disregarded his sense of superior judgment and focused more on the desire to see Lilith again, which was stronger than even his family’s love for horses. He nodded, slightly, then again harsher as he forced himself to listen to his own decisions. When Kalvin smiled and offered his hand again, Dereck once again ignored his instincts and made the questionable decision to shake. Kalvin ended up on his knees before Dereck had completed the second pump.

          “I apologize” He said again, pulling his hand back. “To be fair, I did previously warn you. I do hope I have not permanently injured you.” Kalvin covered his wince with a slapped on smile as he cradled his bruised hand to his body.

          “You’re fine, I’ve had worse from Nepeta” He said it like it was a joke, but truthfully, he’d needed Nepeta’s approval to marry her mother partly because it was always a good thing to have the children like you, and partly because Nepeta had almost _killed_ him the first time he slept over unannounced.  Dereck didn’t doubt him for a second. Nepeta was almost as strong as Equius, and didn’t work out nearly as much.

          “Still, I have injured your hand. I insist at least cooking.” Kalvin’s eyes widen in surprise. “And do not attempt to lie to me with tales of how Lilith cooks. Somehow I doubt that even after 12 years that she has gained the attention span to make much more than ramen. Kalvin chuckled at that.

          “We’ll see how my hand is. I really don’t think a guest should be cooking. Besides, I’ll be fine by then, no worries” Dereck nodded, even as he did the math in his head of how much pressure he’d mistakenly applied and confirmed to himself that the other man was currently in shock and that the pain would only get worse. His hand wouldn’t be in good working order for at least another week. “Horuss, Equius,” He nodded to the boys. “I look forward to seeing you over for diner”. Kalvin turned around. “Bye girls” He waved with his good hand and Meulin nodded her head to his as she crossed to give Dereck his hug (or rather, air hug). Seeing Kalvin’s face fall slightly, Nepeta made a point a point to hug him as well. Once Kalvin had driven off, Dereck nodded at the girls.

          “He seems nice” He said. Both girls nodded. Dereck looked down and seemingly noticed the small puddle we was standing in. “If you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to go take a shower. This is more than a towel’s work. You can both unpack as you know where your rooms are. Horuss and Equius have _something_ to show you. I’m sure it’ll be a rousing guessing game.” With he flipped his, almost obnoxiously long dark hair and walked dripping into the (more of a mansion) house.

          “You’ll neigh—ver guess what we’ve been building!” Horuss chirped enthusiastically.

          “It is going to be udder—ly amazing” Equius agreed. Meulin (who hadn’t actually caught the moments of their mouths due to her mild disgust that they’d started sweating again in joy) and Nepeta simply looked at each other, then back at the boys.”

          “It’s a horse, or horse related” Nepeta said as she shouldered her overnight bag.

          “It produces milk” Meulin guessed as she sidestepped the sweat trail Dereck had left. The faces of both boys fell.

          “Wait…how colt you possibly know that!?” Horuss flushed. Equius gave his brother a spare towel, even though he was currently using one himself.

          “Nepeta, you get back here this instant and tell me how you figured out so quickly what we strove to keep a secret from the both of you” Nepeta signed the order to Meulin, and both girls giggled as they continued up the stairs.

 

* * *

 

 

Once they were unpacked, the girls were ushered underneath the complex to the lab so that they could see in person the ‘perfect creature’. It was actually a centaur, with…udders. The girls glanced at each other and begin their favorite (extremely difficult) game of ‘Guess which Zahhak suggested what to add’. Equius was the one that must have figured out to put an actual udder on the thing rather than getting milk from like a spout or something. He was also the one who made the udders operational. Like, you needed to go under the damn thing and squeeze for mildly lukewarm milk. Nepeta sighed to herself as Equius showed off the feature.

 ** _You_** **really _need to get him a girlfriend._** Meulin signed to her little sister. Nepeta nodded, both girls taking care to slap interested smiles on their faces on the off chance either boy looked back.

 ** _I know, I’m trying._** Nepeta answered **_It’s just not working out well. I was thinking Terezi_**

 ** _NO! She sees through smell. Think of both parties. That’s so cruel! Use your powers for good!_** Horuss actually turned around that time as Meulin gasped.

          “Do you have any questions?” The history enthusiast asked at once, glad to show off their invention to their (literally) captive audience.

          “I REC—PUR—NISED THE FACE!” She lied quickly to cover herself. Horuss’ eyes lit up.

          “From his Poll to his Withers is modeled after Aurthour, our favorite butler growing up. There were many tears shed the day he was put out to pasture.” Both girls nodded, while Equius took a few deep breaths while he tried to calm himself down from his sadness. Nepeta handed him a towel as he started sweating from the effort of keep from crying.

          “Thank you” He sniffled. Meulin tilted her head to look as the boy still under the robot. She shifted her eyes to look at Horuss who was keeping himself together, but just barely.

          “PUR—LEASE TELL ME ‘PUT OUT TO PAW—STURE MEANS RETIRED” Horuss nodded, but started crying. Meulin grabbed him one of the many towels in the house, but rather than wipe up his sweat (which was a little bit better than the rest of his family due to an experimental medicine he’d created himself) he used it to blow his nose into. She awkwardly patted his back slightly.

          “Oh no” Came a new voice. “Who mentioned the retired butler?” Nepeta turned to see a grown man she’d never seen before enter the room. He seemed to follow the unspoken rule of working on machinery while having the most ridiculous hair possible as he was covered both in motor oil and spiky blonde hair.

          “Who are you?” She asked him. The boy (man) raised an eyebrow over his large triangular shades.

          “Shouldn’t I be asking that question? You’re the one that upset my associates” Horuss recovered first.

          “My ap—hoof—ogies, I did not think to introduce you all.” Equius started sweating worse, possibly feeling bad for the same reason. He lifted himself from the floor and stood next to his brother. The two gestured, which caused Meulin to swivel her head and jump nearly a foot in the air.

          “MEW’S HE?” She asked. “WHEN DID HE GET HERE?” Horuss reached out to stop her moving, and as he spoke, he sighed for her.

          “Neigh—peta, Meulin, this is Dirk Strider. He is a fellow horse and mechanics ent—hooves—iast. He is also working with us on the new and…I am loathe to say it but it must be said, _approved_ Aurthour.” He nods at them.

          “Yo. What’s up?” Meulin simply grinned, while Nepeta pounced.

          “Strider? As in _Dave_ Strider? As in the Strider—Lalonde—Harley—Eqbert—Crocker—English family?” Dirk blinked at her from behind his shades, not that she could see it.

          “You must be Nepeta” He said after a beat. “Dave says hi. Or rather, Rose said to tell me that Dave said hi, I still don’t know how she does that, it’s probably something to do with her dark powers gained from Cthulhu or some shit.” Nepeta tilts her head as she blinks at him. “Sorry. How about I help you with your notebook, K?” She squealed loudly enough that upstairs, working on dinner, Dereck figured they must have met.

 

It was a productive day to Nepeta, (the robot builders as well as they were able to get all the way to the beta testing and were jubilant to discover that the butler bot preformed efficiently even while being ridden by Meulin, who no matter what she said truly did enjoy both horses and bareback riding (racing) quite a bit). Dirk had gone home after a while and Nepeta was so happy that she managed to beat Equius in hand to hand combat sparring. Dirk and Jake’s names were circled in red hearts, connecting the two to one another, but Jake and Jane had diamonds as did Dirk and Roxy. Jane and Roxy had red hearts as well, but it got a bit confusing after that. Dirk had taken the liberty of drawing a sort of family tree in the book. He and Dave were sitting on one line, as siblings should, but Dave’s name was also under his. Jade and John were connected as children to everyone, and Rose was apparently the child of Dirk and Roxy? She tilted the notebook every which way to see if the book was causing stray lines, but it wasn’t and she was just as confused as before.   


	8. The dinner party legends are made of (part 1)

Dereck was strangely and (it would be adorable if it weren’t mildly terrifying) _enthusiastically_ trying to single handily make it the best dinner ever. When he’d come by with the girls it was still light out. Horuss had taken Karkat and Kankri out to get suits as a quick look through their closet and a wrinkle from the nose of Equius confirmed they did not have appropriate clothing. Kalvin’s hand was (as Dereck predicted) wrapped up very tightly in a bandage he’d tried and failed to let the older man see. Dereck had also brought over all the food he was cooking. It was _ridiculous._ The man had driven the girls and Equius over in his W Motors Lykan Hypersport, while Horuss had cleaned out the van that was usually only used for robot parts and used it to bring the food. Kalvin had been kicked out of his own kitchen as Dereck flatly refused to let him help with anything and instead just set the table (knowing full well she wouldn’t be in until 8:00 that night.) He also went to the store and got some towels for the larger man, whom thanked him profusely. As 6:00 approached and Kalvin had no choice but to help the girls into their utterly ridiculous evening gowns he started to regret his life choices. He insisted on going to get her, because Horuss or god forbid—DERECK showing up at the airport was a fight he didn’t want to have to deal with. As she went into the car she noticed his clothing first.

          “That’s your good suit” She commented. He nodded, biting his lip. He was, unfortunately on the side of her that could hear perfectly well. She smiled, and kissed his jaw. “You wore it on our wedding.” He nodded again, a small smile creeping onto his face. “You know you didn’t have to do anything special. I just wanted to hang out with the kids.”

          “I know” He gave a nervous cough, and she tilted her head. “All of the children are home waiting for you.” She purred as she hugged him.

          “If I’d have known, I’d have gotten dolled up” He smiled again. “But I have to wonder what the occasion is…let’s see…it’s not our an—pur—versary. Not my birthday…not _your_ birthday. None of the kids. What are you planning?” He gave her a tight lipped smile and shook his head. “What did you do?” She asked in a deadpan. 

          “Why did I have to do something? I can’t just want you to have a nice time coming home?” She glared at him, and he flicked on the radio. She pouted and rested her head on his chest. He hoped she couldn’t feel his heart racing. The gentle atmosphere did not last long, for she didn’t notice the Zahhak family van, as it was on the street, but Dereck’s ostentatious vehicle was in the driveway. She rose from Kalvin to glare at it.

          “That car doesn’t belong to anyone we know.”  It annoyed her at her core, and she wasn’t quite sure why.

          “Sure it does” Kalvin smiled as he got her luggage from the back.

          “I’m sure I would recognize it if it did…looks expensive. Did Connie get a new paw?” She tilted her head at it as Kalvin returned to her. She was almost close enough to read the license plate (DocMech3) when he grabbed her and guided her to the house. The 38 year old woman opened the door for her slightly struggling husband, and due to her head being turned, didn’t hear the ‘Surprise’ that came from everyone.

          “I’ll take your bags upstairs” Kalvin smiled at her, and hurried past her and up the stairs. As she turned to follow him with her eyes, she gasped and jumped.

          “Horuss! Equius!” She ignored the children she actually lived with to give the two hugs. If they were there, she understood the fancy dress. But as she pulled (pulled, not peeled—luckily they weren’t sweating yet) away from them, she noted that they were dressed even nicer than usual. She logged the information in the back of her head. “I haven’t seen you two in forever and a half!” She squealed. “Equius, you got so big” She grinned. Equius, like Meulin, completely dwarfed her 5’8’ stature at 6’3” and wasn’t done growing. He grinned at the observation. "I remember when you were...this big!" 'This was actually a measurement in her arms. "And now look at you!" Equius smild and stared sweating slightly. He returned the hug, taking care of his strength. 

           "I missed you as well Miss Lilith, truthfully, it's been udderly to long." She gave the boy a kiss on the cheek, before turning to his brother.

          “And Horuss, I see you’re still into Steampunk. Did you ever start that band?” Horuss frowned once.

          “I may have over—estimated the appreciation for Victorian Industrial sub-genre Goth bands.” He admitted. She ruffled his long hair once.

          “I’m sure you’ll find someone else to play with. With Rufioh on drums you only need…

          “A violin” He reminded her, a bit impressed with her memory. “Or a harp in a pinch, but we’ll never get either. Besides, Rufioh’s not a very…serious herd member.” He confessed. He loved his boyfriend, but he was a bit silly. Lilith smiled up at the boy (who was only an inch taller than his brother).

          “I’m sure it’ll all work out. Besides, you know about medicine if you need a back up, aren’t you in college for it?”

          “Not anymore” Horuss shook his head. “I mean, I’m still learning it. But as a minor alongside architecture and hospitality. My current major is actually engineering.” She nodded “Along with Hippology.” She nodded again, though she didn’t actually know what it was. She did that a lot with Horuss, agree when she wasn’t sure what he was talking about. She also skimmed a lot of his letters, the boy was a genius, but dammed if he couldn’t be as wordy as his father at times.

          “Well don’t hurt yourself with all those classes.” He snorted.

          “Colt’s play. I assure you, I am fine” She smiled at him again, before turning to the rest of the children in the room. She cleared her throat dramatically.

          “Oh, did you want us?” Karkat asked sarcastically. “’Cause I could have _sworn_ we didn’t exist for a moment.” Nepeta giggled at him, while Kankri (ever the magnanimous kiss—ass) went to hug her without a moment’s hesitation. She slightly crushed him in her enthusiasm. When she released, she sent a glare to the youngest two. Nepeta went flying into her mother’s arms, followed by a grumbling (mostly for show) Karkat. She lengthened up, then frowned. “Where’s Meulin?” She asked. Everyone actually turned to look, she’d been in the room a moment ago. Lilith sniffed the air. “And what’s that smell? It’s very familiar.” Horuss and Equius glanced at each other for a moment. Luckily, even without having the same wordless communication abilities, everyone knew to contribute to the ‘Keep Lilith the HELL out the kitchen for as long as possible’ game.

 

Meulin was actually in Kankri’s room, talking to Damara online.

** I think she must be back by now. Kalvin just ran by with her bags.  **

** You going downstairs? **

** Why would I? She can’t be both—purred— to reschedule a stupid meeting fur me. Why do I care a catnap if she’s back? **

** Hmmm…this is true. Is the whole family there? **

** Yup. Pet—eta, the fake dad, the bitch, the brat, and the annoyance. But get this, Hor—puss, Equ—hiss and purr—obably dad are here to. **

** Your dad is HOT, both of them. Do you think ‘possible’ is desperate enough to get seduced into fucking me through a wall? **

** Probably not. He’s still got a MAJOR crush on bitch. **

** Sucks then. But hey, he _does_ have two kids. **

** I thought you were studying theology so that you could be a purr—sta—nun at the church? **

** I know…but that takes until I’m like 25. I wanna get fucked NOW. **

** Lol (=^-ω-^=) good luck. **

** Thanks. I have to figure out how Porrim gets so much. Help a girl out, ask your aunt for tips!”  **

** Fig—fur it out on your own. **

** Yeah, I guess. You’re really not going down there? **

** Nah, I don’t wanna see that train wreck. Might as well stay here and get high. **

** Ya know…I hate to say it, but he is trying. I mean, he went two states in a car dedicated to the Mirthful Messiahs with Kurloz driving so that he could sign me out of prison as a sponsor. **

** (^._.^) Was he really annoyed at it? I mean, he used to be a purr—t of the church. He’s no strange—fur to defection.  **

** I don’t think the church scared him as much as Kurloz’s driving. But still, the church has changed a lot to. Apparently it used to be all about rebellion through…well, actual rebellion instead of art. **

** That’s weird. (=^•I•^=) Art gets way farther before people try t stop it. Rebellion’s not subtle at all. Then again, he’s not really subtle.  **

** … **

** You’re going to both—purr me until I go down stairs aren’t you? **

** Sorry to say, but yeah.  **

** FELINE! I’m going…right af—fur I put loads of porn on Kankri’s in—purr—net hiss—tory. **

** Of course. **

Ten minutes later, Meulin descended the staircase. Lilith was (ironically) the first one to notice her. Kalvin was downstairs again, playing the ‘keep Lilith away from Dereck’ game with everyone else.

          “Meulin!” Meulin stood stock still as the woman waved her down, and allowed her mother to jump over people in her quest to give her a hug. “How was the gallery?”  She asked. Meulin smiled a bit savagely.

          “PAW—SOME, ALL THE PIECES GOT BOUGHT. MET A MEW FRIEND, AND HUNG WITH DAMARA ALL NIGHT” Lilith shivered once.

          “I thought she was down river?”

          “GOT OUT”

          “Didn’t she need a sponsor?”

          “GOT ONE.” Lilith’s eyes widened. “MEW PURR—MOSED, BUT…SOMEONE ELSE CARED MORE I GUESS” Meulin shrugged and Lilith let go sadly. “ANYWAYS, WE’RE HAVING DINN—PUR IN THE DINNING ROOM, NOT THE KITTY—CHEN.” Meulin side stepped her mother, and went to the aforementioned room. Lilith’s face fell, but she brightened up before anyone could see. Kalvin opened the door to the dining room for her, but she waved him off.

          “Well, I’m going to pounce upstairs and change. See you all in a moment.” She smiled and _almost_ did go upstairs. Except the kitchen door opened and a figure stepped out laughing.

            “I thought I had been foolhardy enough to forget to bring enough materials to make cassava cake. I was incorrect. Dinner is served.”

          “I thought it smelled familiar in here” Lilith scowled. Dereck looked up at the woman, whom was currently halfway up the stairs. He smiled, and Horuss was quick to hand him a towel as he started to sweat.

          “Lilith. You’ve arrived.” Her scowl seemed not to affect him, and he downright swooned at the sight of her. “You haven’t aged a day. You look simply amazing” She clenched her jaw and nodded stiffly.

          “Thank you.” She sniffed. Kalvin snickered from his position by the open door. Luckily, he was on the side of Lilith that couldn’t hear. Dereck ran his eyes over her, before they widened.

          “You’re thinner!” He exclaimed. She blinked a bit, then smiled.

          “Thank yo—”

          “Almost sickly looking. I should have sent food. It was an error on my part, you cannot cook. I should have been monitoring your diet all this time. It was a grei—”

          “My DIET is none of your business you ass. Neither is my cooking, you shouldn’t be _monitoring_ me at all! You have children for that, you know—children, the ones that actually need you to tell them what to do. Or do you not know that? You try to impose your views on everyone!” He snapped his head back in anger.

          “I impose superior views on those whose views are incorrect. And look at you without my monitoring! You must have lost 30 pounds since I saw you last!”

          “You can stop at ‘you’ve lost weight’ you prick! I was trying to lose weight! The only reason you wanted me that fat is so that you could keep me inside, unemployed, barefoot, and pregnant!”

          “YOU WERE A HEALTHY WEIGHT! And I was only keeping you at home until you thought of a more suitable vocation then ‘journalist’”

          “Well now I’m editor, for the whole town. No Thanks To YOU” Dereck looked down at that, properly chastised. Lilith let out the rest of her air in one fell swoop, and almost growling. She jumped as her arm was touched, and turned to Kalvin. Once he was sure she was looking at him, he began to speak in a low calming voice.

          “Can we please have a nice dinner?” He begged. She glared at him. “Dereck was nice enough to come over and cook…you guy haven’t seen each other in years. I’m sure the whole; weight thing is one of the many drops in the water that goes under the bridge. And look, Horuss and Equius are here, they can hear you…yelling at their father. They don’t need that” She took a deep breath, and he guided her through a short meditation.

          “Sorry” Dereck looked up to her. She certainly didn’t sound sorry, she still sounded a bit pissed. “The con—fur—ence went badly, my daughter hates me right now and I’ve got to get back on her good side. I’ve been on a plane more than I‘ve been off of one in the past few days. I’m just…very irritable, and you don’t deserve my ire.” She took another deep breath and smiled at him, it didn’t quite reach her eyes, but it was a smile nonetheless. “Thank you for cooking, you didn’t have to—it was very nice. It’s also nice to see the boys…and you.” His breath stuttered for a bit, and his heart skipped a beat. She licked her lips before continuing. “I probably do look a bit frazzled right now. I’m not sickly, just tired. Alright” Dereck practically broke his neck nodding at her. She gave him a smile that, though wan did actually reach her eyes, and allowed Kalvin to guide her to the dinning room.


	9. The dinner party legends are made of (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. two things. 1-If you preface google search with Nigerian food before entering any of these things, they will show up-Or you could do what I did and just search Wikipedia, it's the first result. 2-I made them Muslim, but because I am NOT Muslim...at ALL, they are very loose Muslims and if I research enough and they show back up I may mention a prayer mat. also, PLEASE REVIEW. I can't tell if anyone likes this or not, and granted-it's not for my personal enjoyment. There's only one person I should care about liking this story, but that being said, if anyone has words for it...a little? It'd be very appreciated by a young woman who does nothing but write, eat, sleep, and blog.

Meulin was sitting at the head of the table, the spot where Lilith would ‘normally’ sit at on the few times they actually used the room. Dereck frowned when he saw her there, but Lilith simply sat a few seats down on the side. Dereck sputtered.

          “Lilith!?” She twitched once and looked over her shoulder at him, Karkat sat down as far away from Muelin as possible, next to Lilith, and simply curled up his lip at the strange food. “You…er” She simultaneously managed to raise an eyebrow and narrow them at the older man. He seemed to get whatever message she was trying to say, and Equius was the one that handed him the towel this time. “My apologies if I am wrong” He started carefully, tapping at his brow. “But is that not normally where the lady of the house would sit?” She sighed once, glancing up to where the eldest sat, fiddling with the placement and being completely passive aggressive. She shrugged once.

          “Meulin chose where she was sitting. If I really wanted the seat, I could ask her to move. But I don’t care.” There was a clipped edge that snuck in along her words, and Kalvin was quick to take the seat to her right as Karkat was already sitting to her left. Dereck seemed conflicted for a moment, before he sat directly across from Lilith. Horuss and Equius were conflicted at first, staring at the other head of the table. Kalvin _should_ have sat there, or even Dereck. But neither boy could force himself to sit up there. Seeing that neither of them were going to move, Kankri took the initiative to sit across from the sister that hated him. Nepeta sat next to Dereck and Equius sat next to her, next to Meulin. Horuss sat next to Kankri, on the other side of Dereck, and Karkat seemed upset that the extra seat was in between Kalvin and Meulin instead of he and Kankri, but moving it would have meant getting up, and he was less concerned with that and more concerned with the apparent food that was in front of him. It _smelled_ edible at the very least. Karkat screwed up his face as he looked at it.

          “Where’re are you from again?” Though the question was open ended, it was obviously meant for Dereck, as he was the only one in the room not actually born in America. He smiled widely as Lilith groaned and buried her face in her hands. Then he went into a speech worth of Kankri about his home country of Nigeria and his ‘struggle’ to make it out of the upper middle class in the third richest country in Africa. Kankri and Horuss were the only ones entranced by the tale. Meulin tried to look at him for a bit, but she blinked and lost track of what he was saying, and so stopped craning her head and just went for the food. Kalvin tried to pay attention, but the other male was just…so… _dull_. Nepeta had monopolized Equius’ attention, so he couldn’t have paid attention to the story if he wanted. Lilith looked over to see Karkat firmly focused on trying to figure out what to eat, and so took his plate from him. 

          “Here” She said as she handed him a bowl. “This is Afang soup”  Se handed him back the plate after a while. “Dodo,  Iayn,  Saknora.” He stared at her with something akin to fear in his eyes. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing weird. He’s vegetarian. This is all vegetables…if I remember correctly…Dereck?” Her call startled him out of his life story. “Iyan is yams right?” He straightened up, she groaned to herself again.

          “ _Iayn_ ” he corrected. “Is a heavy paste made by pounding yams until there are no more chunks. It was the strangest thing coming over here that no one eats them correctly. It is also not meant to be eaten that way. Well, with the Sakora is fine, but not with Afang soup. Here” He ladled soup from a different bowl. “Trust me Ayamase will work much better with the iayn.” Kankri ladled out some for himself, taking the advice. Dereck’s attention shifted almost immediately.

          “Don’t do it” Lilith whispered so lowly that only Karkat could hear her. He couldn’t actually _say_ anything to her on her left, so he settled for tapping the back of her hand lightly. She took another bite of whatever it was she was eating, then continued in the same low voice. “It’s pepper soup. He made it with different varieties of _very hot scotch bonnet peppers._ ” Karkat’s eyes widened once. He carefully slid the second bowl underneath the table. The Afang soup she’d given him wasn’t that bad. Actually, he found he liked everything except the sakora.

          “What is this stuff?” Dereck and Horuss both popped their heads up at the question, as Equius was too concerned with Nepeta to care. Kalvin noticed his sons issue and as Dereck took his breath, Kalvin cut in.

          “You know Dereck, I never heard the story of how you and Lilith met!” Lilith dropped her spoon as she turned to stare at her husband in barely contained rage. He ducked his hand under the table and on her thigh, communicating through Morse code that he was trying to save Karkat. Dereck swooned, before lunging into the story of his frivolous art student days and the breathtaking model kind enough to give him her number. As Lilith seethed in anger at the inaccuracies in the story, Horuss took it upon himself to answer Karkat.

          “What you are eating is known as sakora, it’s a type of fufu, a stable food in Nigeria made from the leaves of the cassava plant.” Horuss grinned widely as Karkat just nodded.

          “It tastes awful.” Horuss frowned at that, so Karkat was quick to remedy the situation before the boy started crying…or worse, sweating. “It’s probably an acquired taste” He added. Horuss brightened up at that.

          “It is not my favorite either. Try the Tuwo masara instead.” He suggested. At Karkat’s confused face he gestured to the yellow paste. “It is a rice like dish made of corn. You’ll like it! Try!” Horuss, unlike Dereck, did not expect his orders to be automatically followed, and so kept an eye on Karkat to make sure that he actually listened. Karkat took a sample of the corn rice thing, noting the way that Horuss’ eyes lit up. He took the first bite, with the other staring at him (and did he blink behind his goggles?) He chewed nervously, but shook his head.

          “It tastes alright.” He conceded. Horuss smiled again.

          “Would you like to know how to make it!?” Karkat backed into his chair a bit. He shook his head slightly and Horuss hung his head. “They say the best way to learn something is to teach someone else. I’m not a very good cook” He admitted.

          “Karkat!” He almost jumped a foot in the air. Lilith had gotten sick and tired about hearing Dereck rant about how scared, and malnourished, and destitute she’d been in college (though Kalvin seemed to be at no loss of amusement and was trying his _hardest_ to not laugh.) she turned her attention to her stepson, twisting her head in a way that was probably painful for anyone not a Leijon or Captor. “What happened when I was gone? I know about Mew’s gallery, but apparently you went on a date?” He shuddered.

          “I don’t wanna talk about it.” Her face fell.

          “That bad?”

          “Nep gave it a 12% chance of success.” She winced. Kankri scoffed.

          “Nepeta’s not the expert she claims to be.” He scowled. Lilith raised an eye brow, but spoke to Karkat.

          “Still no change on the Latula front I suppose.” Karkat shook his head and she…made a motion that should have probably been nodding. “Who’d she say for you?” He sighed.

          “She doesn’t know yet. She says she should have saved Gamzee for me, but no one”

          “Aww” She leaned forward and ruffled his hair. “Don’t worry, she’s _grrreat_ at this. She’ll kind you some cool cat or kinky kitten to settle down with.” A great thing about Albinos was the ease in which you could cause a blush. It was one of Lilith’s favorite reactions. Karkat did not disappoint, his face matching his eyes in almost a moment. Lilith threw her head back and laughed as he tried to hide his face.

          “Nepeta would have a higher success rate if she stopped with all the pseudo-science and focused on compatibility…and chemistry…and gave two cares about gender.” Kankri’s grumbling could be heard over anything, and she fixed him an indulgent smile.

          “I also see there is no change on the ‘Cronus’ front” Kankri and Horuss spluttered, Kankri in indignation, Horuss in laughter.

          “Your perfect match is _Cronus_!?”

          “NO!”

          “Yes” Nepeta piped in from the front of the table, accompanied by Meulin, who had been about to ask Horuss to pass her the dodo and had seen both the question and answer. Kankri had that _wonderful_ albino reaction to being even the slightest bit embarrassed.

          “Latula is my perfect match.” He ground out. “She is intelligent, breathtaking, kind…Nepeta, you are the self-proclaimed expert, love is when you can’t breathe around a person, correct?” Nepeta raised an eyebrow. While Meulin just laughed.  

          “No, what you’re talking about is in—fur—tuation, usually one sided. Case in point.” She trailed off, with a meaningful look at Dereck, who did not notice he was being used as an example because he was swooning at Lilith in between talking Kalvin’s ear off. “Love is the tiny smile that tugs at your lip when you think about a purr—son. Love is talking to a person not because you have anything to talk about, but because you don’t want the con—fur—sation to end because that means leaving them for a moment and it causes a pain in your heart, but at the same time you don’t mind because it means you get to count down until you see them again. It’s a text that you didn’t save as a different ringtone but something makes it so that you feel it’s _that_ person. Love is—”

          “You’ve been watching too many rom coms with Karkat.” He scoffed. She raised an eyebrow. She took out her phone and shot out a quick text. “Who’d you talk to?”

          “Terezi.” There was silence for a moment, then Horuss got a text. He nonchalantly opened his phone, read the message and got confused.

          “Why did you ask Miss Pyrope to contact me?”

          “To prove a point” She continued with a glare at her elder brother. Horuss’ phone pinged again, the same tone. But there was a strange half smile even as he checked it, which bloomed into a full one. Nepeta looked at his face, then back to Kankri.

          “Yeah, purr—sults are the use of _FAR_ too many romance movies.” He scoffed again

          “Soon you’re going to start talking about nonsensical miracles like the stupid clowns we have to go see.”

          “Have?” Lilith asked. She tiled her head again in case she wasn’t hearing right.

          “Cronus and me are not going to work, for one, he is _male_ ” Horuss swiveled his head to the other boy. 

          “What does that have to do with anything?” He asked. Meulin’s eyes widened once, before she ducked into her food. If she couldn’t see this train wreck, she couldn’t be blamed for it. Kankri, unaware of the danger in insulting the guy who could bench press a horse is he really wanted to (and angering his just as strong baby brother who was still listening to the conversation), continued on.

           “I don’t mean to be offensive to you or any of your beliefs, but it clearly states in Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13. Firstly, Thou shalt not lie with a man, as with a woman: it is abomination. Secondly, If a man lie with a man, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. I am sure that there are separate laws in your religion, but it stands to reason that it’s just not right. Now this is not to say there is anything wrong with gay people themselves, they can be perfectly good. It’s just that they’re committing a depravity that condemns them, in my eyes to Hell.” Everyone at the table (save Meulin, who was trying to ignore everything and doing a pretty good job of it) was staring at Kankri now. “I mean, I’m taking theology. I’ve studied, mostly my own faith, but we did touch upon Islam.” Nepeta’s quick reflexes were the only reason Equius wasn’t currently pounding his face in. Dereck had raised the boys to be their own people, they were not forced to follow his religion (after attempting to get everyone to follow his religion had ended up running off half the family), but both boys considered themselves members of the church. “I _have_ read the Koran in my studies. Your people are not traditionally kind to those of your orientation. It seems to be one of the few things most major religions are in agreement about and—”

          “KANKRI” The chill in the air was even felt by Meulin, who up until that point had been successfully ignoring everything. Kalvin was red faced and heaving. Even Lilith was kind of afraid of him at this moment. When all the attention in the room was on the minister, he took three deep breaths. “You are no one to harass Horuss on his life. You have no say in the actions of anyone but yourself” He ground out. “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone, and if I recall correctly the only reason you broke up with Cronus is because you didn’t want to accept the fact that you enjoyed kissing him. And if I hear one more hypocritical, hyper-critical anyone bashing word out of you, I will _beg_ Graham to let you do the mandatory community service for your grade at the church of the Mirthful Messiahs.” Kankri’s eyes widened in fright.

          “You…you can’t do that”

          “I can do whatever I want. I started the damn church he owes me. You think one massacre’s going to be bad? I will make you work in close quarters with Kurloz until _you_ start talking about miracles.” Kankri’s face morphed into a mask of horror. “Now, shut the FUCK up, eat the wonderful food Mr. Zahhak was nice enough to cook, and if you’re good, I may _consider_ not calling our church and making sure you’re banned for the summer.” Kankri whimpered once, then sadly went back to his food. Both of them were red, Kankri from embarrassment, Kalvin from anger. Karkat slid his eyes sideways to his brother, then looked to his sister. Neither one of them were able to keep from poking the sleeping bear, and her lips quirked slightly.

          “MEULIN!!!!!” She waved for her sister’s attention until Equius took pity on her and just tapped the elder girl. Once the elder cat looked at her sister Nepeta smiled widely. “So I heard from a little birdy” She started “That the only reason Kurloz and you broke up is because of an ‘experimentation’ time? What’s that?”

          “OH! WELL WITH RELIGION OF THE MIRTH—FUR MESSIAHS, EV—PURR—THING IS A JOKE. THE ONLY TROUBLE IS, WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE JOKES ARE. WE MIGHT BE FUR—ING INTO THE BEST MOTH--PURR FUR—KING JOKE THE WORLD HAS TO PAW—FUR THINKING WE’RE WITH THE RIGHT ONE, OR EVEN THE RIGHT GEN—PUR. SO WE POUNCE AROUND. PUR—LOZ AS IT TURNS OUT FURS REALLY COM—FUR—TABLE WITH MITUNA—FISH. BUT WHO KNOWS. I DID LA—TUNA FUR A BITE, AND MEW—NAH, BUT DAMARA REALLY KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING. SHE WANTS TO BE A PURR—STA—NUN. IF THAT’S THE CASE, EV—FURRY—ONE IS GETTING A PIECE OF—”

          “Why is _she_ allowed to talk about religion at the table!?” Kankri busted, still red. ‘she’s not harassing anyone or shoving her beliefs down their throats’ Kalvin thought to himself. But Kankri was right, rules were rules.

          “Nepeta” He called. The young girl looked at him, and he made a cutting motion across his throat, which Nepeta then repeated for her sister. Meulin obediently shut up about religion.

          “SORRY KAL… _DAD_ ” She shrugged at him. He smiled at her and gave her thumbs up. Karkat, ever the insidious one, turned to Horuss.

          “So how are you and Rufioh doing?” Kankri narrowed his eyes, and Horuss himself seemed a bit confused by the question. But Karkat winked at him with the eye Kankri couldn’t see, and he got it. With a grin, he delved into a highly exaggerated tale of romance, passion, and most importantly, sex. He really didn’t feel comfortable (especially since he and Rufioh hadn’t gone any farther than sloppy make outs) but the desired response was caused. Kankri got ruby red and couldn’t hide his looks of interest. To distract himself, he began to tuck into his food as if he were starving. Kankri had gotten the Ayamase soup, but hadn’t actually eaten it for a while. He was not very observant. Nepeta, Meulin, and Lilith had steered clear of it. Kalvin had been stopped much in the same way as Karkat, Equius and Horuss had taken some, but had each only taken a small sip of it out of politeness before ignoring it completely. The only other person at the table that took the soup was Dereck and Kankri was about to find out why. He wasn’t really eating the soup, it being the last thing he had to finish before he’d be able to ask to be excused. No matter how good the food, he’d starve himself if he had to listen to sinners in their natural habitat. Unfortunately for Kankri, Lilith was trying not to laugh. Nepeta and Equius were ‘telling’ Meulin the situation that had happened, and Dereck had started to talk to Kalvin about Meulin’s excuse for a vehicle, while Horuss and Karkat were in cahoots to make his life miserable. This all cumulated in no one noticing Kankri scarfing down the potentially damaging soup until his twelfth spoonful, around which time he slowed down just enough that—the pepper activated.

          “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Everyone (except Lilith, who had turned her head back to normal after being satisfied with his punishment) snapped their heads to him, Meulin seeing him flail and knowing something was wrong.

          “WHY IS HE TWICHING? WHAT’S WRONG?” Meulin asked. Lilith had been down in her plate, but Meulin was _not_ on her left. So she flipped upwards and turned her head to the boy now convulsing on the floor.

          “Kankri? KANKRI WHAT HAPPENED!!!!” The albino boy was rapidly turning red, and Karkat had gotten up and backed away. Horuss grabbed the smaller boy and started the Heimlich, not that it did anything. There was nothing in his throat.  Kalvin came rushing in (when had he left) with a pitcher full of water.  Lilith sniffed the air twice, and dipped a finger in the soup to confirm her suspicions. While Kalvin funneled water into the boys mouth, Lilith grabbed his glass and filled it with Fura da Nono. Predictably, the water only calmed Kankri for a short moment, before he started screaming again, this time louder and with tears. Lilith literally _threw_ everyone away from her stepson before shoving the milk drink down his throat. He coughed pitifully as he gasped for air.

          “That” Lilith smirked at him. “Is what you get for not paying attention to anything but your own ideals.” He still jerked a bit as he was helped back into his seat. Lilith took his plate and loaded it with Iyan and wara. “Here” She giggled again at his pain now that he was alright. “This should fix your mouth” Kankri coughed a bit, but silently ate the offered food.  She shook her head at him, but ruffled his hair.

          “What happened!?” Karkat asked in horror. She smirked.

          “That was almost you” She informed him, before turning to Dereck. “Why the FUCK do always make Ayamase soup so hot! Americans don’t have the same spice pallet! Your own kittens can’t handle it for more than a few bites because they had American food at school. If you haven’t noticed—WE LIKE THINGS BLAND!” Dereck looked away, properly chastised. Lilith sighed with a shake of her head, but ruffled his hair so that he knew he was forgiven. “I think it’s time for desert.” She murmured. He took to the idea and jumped up to get the deserts he’d made. “Alright, if everyone moves quickly, we can meet him in the kitchen and stop him from hauling all of it ov—fur.” The plan was agreed and everyone ended up piled in the kitchen.

          “But…but why _eat_ in the same place you prepare food?” Dereck asked. He was sweating again, no doubt a gauge of how hard it was to not automatically order them back into the dining room. Equius went to follow the unspoken order, when Nepeta stopped him with an arm across the doorway. The seventeen year old had a mild freak out and started to sweat as he glanced between his father and best friend for direction. Horuss was the only one to keep his composure long enough to get both of them towels.

          “We only eat in there for fancy dinner parties. The seats are uncomfortable, and the table is…inconvenient.” Dereck glanced at the circular table in the kitchen and instantly soaked the towel he was holding and his clothes. It was no secret to anyone that Lilith was half deaf; it was also no secret that she hated commenting on it and tended to ignore it in the first place. It was a widely accepted fact that it was a direct result of Dereck. He hadn’t been listening to her, or accepting her ideas in anything, including how they should raise the children. He’d been teaching Horuss and Meulin the basics of mechanics when she’d come in, angry because Meulin had never shown any interest in robotics and he was pushing his own ideals unto her. Lilith had been right; Meulin was _not_ cut out for mechanics. Horuss had excused himself when his parents started arguing, but Meulin had wanted to prove herself. The resulting explosion completely deafened her and would have killed her had it not been for Dereck’s quick thinking. It had been the straw that broke the camel’s back in the relationship. The next day a half deaf Lilith had been packed, and the day after that she’d served him with papers. The second Meulin was out the hospital, they’d been out of town. Dereck’s right ear had healed with time, standing a little bit farther as he’d tried to calm his wife, but she hadn’t allowed anyone to check her left ear even as it bled profusely, not until she was sure that her oldest was alright. It was an underhanded comment, but it worked to remind him to listen to her. He swallowed a few times, then nodded, conceding defeat. He moved the cassnava cake to the table. They all ate it along with the dun dun and puff puff he’d prepared.  The adults washed the dishes afterward ( with Dereck assuring them they could keep the leftovers as Kalvin wouldn’t be able to cook for a bit) while the ‘kids’ hung out in the living room.

          “How on Earth do you get around?” Equius asked as he dogged paper. Horuss actually went to read the documents that covered the walls.

          “Captor- Megido family finally reunited. Needs sources.” He read aloud. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

          “Those are mom’s unfinished articles for…umm” Karkat had tried to help him, but lost himself trying to catch the minuscule difference for what day of the week the story was for. “Friday? Wow…yeah, she’s trying to get that for tomorrow’s paper. She’s crazy! That’s a Sunday story at least.” He reaches out and plucks the paper from its spot, transferring it to the Sunday area, all the while murmuring about the crazy woman and how she was trying to kill herself. Karkat started to examine her entire wall, redecorating as he did. Horuss stared at him for a bit and chuckled before going over to Meulin. She was texting someone, but didn’t mind chatting with him. By the time the Zahhaks left, they all had a running invitation to come back whenever…so long as they warned beforehand so that Kankri could be dealt with.


	10. Pillow Talk

Lilith seethed in bed. Kalvin didn’t speak yet, or even touch her. He could feel the irritation flowing off her in waves. He took a deep breath, sent up a prayer, and started.

          “So” She froze. “Honey” She bristled. He decided to be a bit of a coward and ignored the massive elephant in the room. “So, how was the meeting?”

          “Conference” She said icily. He took a deep breath again.

          “How was the conference?” He asked her.

          Horrible. I spent more time on a plane then off, missed my daughters first art gallery, almost left her best friend in federal prison for another what would have been four days, had to watch and listen to that sneaky little Serket girl try to worm her way into my spot, and then I get home to find an overdone meal by the man I have been very happily avoiding for almost a decade and shattering my record.” He reached over to massage her shoulders and hopefully calm her down. “Don’t touch me” She ordered. He obediently removed his hands from her person. “On top of it I think...” She let out a mirthless little laugh. “I _know_ you and Makara have been talking about me again.”

          “You didn’t even come up in conversation” Kalvin assured her. She rounded on him then, olive green eyes flashing. “You went five years without even referencing the religion in a way that was anything more than respectful, now I hear you talking about attending massacre?” He sighed heavily.

          “Me and Graham made a deal, if he comes to one of my sermons, I go to one of his. That all” She blinked a few times.

          “Oh” He nodded.

          “And since the church needs art sacrifices, I was hoping that you’d help me with mine.” She nodded again, jerkily. “I made a promise” He confirmed.

          “It wouldn’t be the first time you broke a promise” She pointed out. He winced, but she allowed him to pull her into his arms.

          “I apologize again. You know for a fact that they meant nothing right?” She snorted, a small smile playing around her face.

          “I somehow doubt anyone in an orgy can mean anything.” She agreed. “I was referring to the fact that you always seem a bit more excited when my hair is wilder.” He froze, and she switched their positions, pulling him into her arms. “You thought I didn’t notice how disappointed you were the other time?”

          “I hoped, not thought” She nodded into his hair. “You cannot be hypocritical about looks. Look at me and Dereck.”

          “You look completely different than Dereck” She pointed out.

          “Exactly. I didn’t realize it at first because I’d never met the man. But Lilith, he’s like a foot taller than you…I’m like a foot shorter. He’s black, I’m albino.” She looked away.

          “I have no idea what you’re talking about” She scowled, but the bright blush on her pale features gave her away. He nodded.

          “Answer me honestly, how hard did you look for someone with red eyes?”

          “Not very” She conceded. “I had a crush on you when I was younger. Siimon was dating Porrim and all I had to do was find out what state you were in and get a press pass.” Kalvin burst out laughing at that.

          “So” He stopped to wipe away his tears as he attempted to continue. “So you tracked down a guy that you were sure was gay, because he looked the exact opposite of your ex?” She pouted. “Did I get that right?”

          “NO!” He looked at her, amusement flowing from every pore. “I met Kankri for a few minutes so I knew you at least _liked_ woman. I’d been letting my hair grow out anyway; with a bit of product it looked enough like his.” The man threw his head back to laugh long and loud. She pulled out her pillow and smacked him with it. It didn’t do any good, he continued to laugh hysterically. “STOP THAT!” His laughter died down to snickers. “Besides, you act completely different than him. I can’t deal with another him.” Kalvin stared at her. He was completely silent, but she could feel his not quite condensing gaze cutting threw her until her face got red again. “WHAT!? YOU SAW HIM, YOU _MET_ HIM! HE IS STUBBORN AND USSELESS AND PETTY, HE DOSEN’T THINK OF ANYTHING BUT HIMSELF AND HE FEELS LKE HIS IDEAS ARE SUP—” Kalvin held up his hand to quiet her suddenly. “What” She whispered. He got up and closed the door all the way; she hadn’t noticed it was partly open.

          “On the plus side” He smiled. “Our children are finally acting like siblings…at least, the ones that grew up together are.” She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “And…if I may” She glared at him for a moment, before nodding her assent. He climbed back into bed before continuing. “He wouldn’t be able to get under your skin like this if you didn’t still feel something.” She opened her mouth, only to be immediately shushed. “You snuggle into me and get confused sometimes. You get annoyed with me sometimes asking you anything and there are sometimes when you get abnormally happy when someone gives you an order. You miss him.” Her pout gets worse.

          “If I miss him, it’s…it’s only because”

          “You don’t have to defend your actions to me if you have no want to” He assured her. She bit her lip, then chewed at it. He patted her face. “Now stop that, the last split just fixed itself.” She took a deep breath.

          “I do love you” She said. He chuckled.

          “I’d hope so; otherwise our lives are a bit more awkward than previously thought.” She shoved him good naturedly and he almost flew off the bedframe. “I almost forgot about the lack of strength control at times. She scowled at him.

          “You know _we’ve_ been together longer than me and him were.” He nodded.

          “That being said, you still love him, you just love me to.”

          “I love you more” She promised. He smiled and kissed her hair. “Do you love me more?” She asked. She mentally prepared herself for a negative answer.

          “Hmmmm, that’s an interesting question.” He murmured into her hair. “The reason for some of the rules, both in Graham’s religion and the ones I’m trying to enact…before Kankri goes at them with a sledgehammer—”

          “Why are you letting him go into the church?” Lilith demanded of him. “You heard him at dinner, he doesn’t need _more_ church, he needs your mother to look at his head! He’s violent, angry at everything, hypocritical, cruel—”

          “I think some Westboro Baptist idiots got into his head.” Kalvin shook his head. “But I was saying, I don’t believe in loving anything more or less than another. Everyone is special, everyone deserves love. Love isn’t a measurement, it’s to be shared among everyone” She held up a hand to his face stopping him.

          “Please cut the church bullshit for a moment and answer the question like a normal person.” He laughed, and she felt her heart twinge. It was the only thing similar about the two. They had the same warm rich voices, though Dereck’s was heavy with an accent he hadn’t quite lost, but was more felt in how he carefully picked apart each word in English.

          “I don’t know” He mused aloud. “I honestly don’t know. To be fair, all the people I found reminded me in some way, shape, or form of the man, you wouldn’t believe how easy it is to find violet eyes when you’re _really_ looking. Unlike you, I haven’t screamed his name during climax.” She turned bright red. “Or spoken about him in my sleep…at least I hope I haven’t. Or used the sentence ever ‘this wasn’t a problem with Graham’. The sentence wasn’t purposeful most of the time, and it was slipping out now, which caused her to notice it. She bit down on the Dereck before it could get out, but she could feel Kalvin’s smirk even if she couldn’t see it.

          “Oh shut up” She jabbed him with her elbow. “This _wasn’t_ a problem with Dereck. He was a heavy sleeper, it was a wonder he managed to get up for morning prayers without me there.” Kalvin let out a chuckle at that.

          “You make a very good alarm clock” He confessed. She butted her head against him slightly. When she spoke again, it was with tears in her voice.

          “What are we doing?” She begged him. “What the hell are we doing? We love each other, we have kids together, we have good sex…what the hell is missing?” She shook in his arms as he held her tight.

          “I promised you, I wouldn’t do anything without your permission. If you don’t want us to go to th—”

          “We’re going to see your boyfriend; you’re _not_ going to sleep with him…not right now anyway. I’ll help you with the stupid sacrifice.” He nodded, though she couldn’t see it, and scooted down in bed so that he was actually on the pillows again.

          “You know” He said after the two had gotten comfortable again. “Even with his religion, something tells me that Dereck Zahhak is just in love with you to concede to any idea you propose, if it means he’s allowed to see you on a semi regular basis again. She scowled at him again. He shrugged.

          “That’s not the problem and you know it. Kalvin, he almost killed Meulin”

          “Before saving her” She fixed her glare on him.

          “You don’t stay with someone that deafened you. That’s crazy. It’s not kind, it’s not romantic…it’s _crazy_ ” He shrugged, and even as she went to bed worring, he went with a slight smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

Nepeta slunk her way through the hallway. She could hear her parents talking (arguing) in their room through a crack in their door, but they weren’t her concern. She had promised her brother that she’d come to him if there were any changes in her shipping binder, and so when Karkat heard the incessant rapping on his door, he knew both exactly who it was and why she was there.

          “I’m an idiot” She said as soon as she entered, nearly bowling him over and not giving him enough time to close the door behind her. “It was right in fur—ont of my whiskers so I didn’t see it!”

          “First question” The older boy asked as he swung the door shut. “Are you talking about a match for me?” That stopped her in her tracks, Nepeta blinked at him as if she just remembered he existed. It answered his question even before the fall of her face and he waved her off. “No problems, just wondering why the fuck I would care. Continue” he gestured and dragged her closer to his ruffled bed, which she noted still felt warm as she flopped onto it. She sat up inside the bed and smiled at him.

          “I’m still working on you, but I found a match for Equius!” Karkat yawed once, then nodded at her, absently wondering why she thought he cared at five in the morning and cursing himself for being nice enough to offer to let her tell him about all her shipping shit for a second opinion. It should have been very easy. ‘Nepeta, it’s late, I have shit to do tomorrow, whatever it is can wait.’ Had Karkat had the tough guy act he threw up for everyone to see as part of his personality, it would have been easy. However, he was a softy. A highly irritable, stand your ground softy that would cure you out in a moment’s notice, but still…a softy. And he was hyper—aware of the fact that the cat must have thought very highly of him to come to him with her shipping talk rather than Meulin (that or she knew the other girl would blab like she blabbed about Rufioh to Horuss) So instead what he said was.

          “Holy Shit, you actually found a match for Sweaty Mc’Douchballs? She tapped him lightly on the head with her binder for that and he grinned. “Hey, I don’t like the guy and I’m _tired_. What did you expect?”

          “A bit more crea—purr—vity for one”

          “Get off my back it’s late” The albino snarled. She giggled, but moved aside and allowed him to grumpily fall back into bed with her. He seemed to be staying awake only by the combined power of both her boundless enthusiasm and unbridled energy. “So let’s hear it. Who have you decided to ‘saddle’ onto horse wannabe jr?” She pouted at him again. He grinned and gave her a half hug as he tried to fight the temptation to go back to sleep.

          “I didn’t think about it until Horuss read mom’s article for the Megidos. Aradia!” Karkat managed to cough himself awake at that.

          “WHAT” Nepeta shushed him and he waved her off. “DON’T SHUSH ME ALL THE GODDAMN ROOMS ARE FUCKING SOUNDPROOFED!” It wasn’t exactly true. Meulin, their parents, and Karkat’s rooms were soundproofed. The parents so that they could indulge in things that were not alright for the kids (mostly Kankri and his damn whistle) to overhear. Meulin and Karkat both for volume control. Meulin couldn’t hear her own volume as was known to talk to Damara or Kurloz late at night. Karkat was a gamer, and was actually a part of the gamers association in town. What this translated to, was that at unknown times at night at random pre—destined time of the month he would log on to a mmorpg. He was not the problem, his co players were. He played with town potty mouth Mituna. Now, Mituna was not his only co—player, in fact Gamzee, Sollux, Terezi, Latula, and Meenah were also co—players of this game. However, all the words any of them said were transferred through the speakers. And so it was not Meenah’s ‘FUCKING SHELL GUARD ME YOU IDIOTS!’ or even his own ‘FUCKASS IF YOU DON’T PAY SOME GOD DAMN ATTENTION TO YOUR LEFT!’ it was Mituna’s ‘FUCK BISTHCH STHISTH ASS DOUCH ASS BOOBS!!!!! Good job you USELESS FUCKERS’. After about the third campaign with Mituna as the leader, Karkat got soundproof rooms. Kankri had bitched at it until he realized that he was no longer being woken up by Mituna’s foul lisped retorts. “Besides” He snarled at her. “How the FUCK did you manage to think of that shit?” She smiled at him widely.

          “He has his head up his ass correct?” Karkat blinked. In the years he’d known her, he’d never heard her say a single bad word about Equius let alone curse about him.

          “Who are you and what have you done with Nepeta?” He asked her. She glared at him.

          “Just answer the question!” He nodded after a beat. “Right! And you couldn’t tell Aradia what to do if you gave her money! She’d just laugh at him every time he tried to order her around.” Karkat nodded again. He _really_ didn’t know where she came from with some of these pairing. “I just calculated it, there’s an sixty nine percent chance!” He accepted the binder from her and looked at the numbers calculated with an algorithm he didn’t understand. That’s when he noticed something strange.

          “Why’d you calculate Equius with boys?”

          “I calculate everyone with everyone.” She smiled

          “Yeah, but…Equius is like…the poster child for straight…especially in this town.” Nepeta scoffed at that.

          “If I tell you a secret will you keep it for me?” She asked him once. Karkat looked at her earnest face for approximately twenty seconds before groaning. 

          “You’re in the fucking Clown Religion of stupidity aren’t you?” She blushed once.

          “NO! I just…they have some good points.” Karkat groaned again before nuzzling into his bed. As she watched him he picked up his pillow and screamed into it. “Are you done?” She asked. He held up a finger as he continued to scream into the pillow. He pulled the pillow from his now red face, and simply gestured for her to continue. “I’m not going to start screaming about miracles or anything, I just…I don’t know what I am at this point. There’s like five religions to choose from in this town, and I am _not_ following whatever Kankri’s preaching. You know he’s planning a vicious takeover when he gets his degree? He practically hates dad for the way he runs the church.” Karkat nodded. His brother had flipped shits and tried condemning Meulin to the furthest ring of Hell for even associating with Kurloz, when he found out she switched religions he had been sent away for a month.  It was why Karkat had renounced religion in its entirety.

          “You have a good point. But the _clowns_ really?” She raised her eye brow at him.

          “Are you trying to say something about my sister?” Karkat nodded.

          “ _Our_ sister, and my best friend are crazy as shit” He said with a note of finality. Nepeta raised her eyebrows. He had claimed Meulin with the ‘our’. “Come to think of it, our dad’s the biggest idiot of them all for starting the religion of happy joke clowns or stupid!” Nepeta giggled at him then.

          “Well, all religions have stupid parts, and all of them have some merit. I’m…whatever you call someone that purr—rows through oth—paw beliefs and picks what she likes to listen to. I tend to think the ‘exploration’ clause is a good part of the religion.” Karkat rolled his eyes at that. “Do you know how it got started?” She asked him. Karkat growled, but pulled up the fuzzy memory.

          “Dad was experimenting and it was with Graham.” She nodded.

          “Do you know the full story?” Karkat blinked a few times.

          “There’s more to the story?” Nepeta nodded solemnly.

          “I oversaw Kurloz telling Meulin while he was learning to sign. Graham loved him.” Karkat’s eyes widened. “When Kalvin got sent away, he poured all his energy into making the religion a concrete thing. He even used most of Kalvin’s journals to make some of the rules. But he was friends with Porrim. When she told him that Kalvin had met someone he was devastated. He looked up his family and found some cousin that was being taken away. He adopted Kurloz from them as fast as he could so that when Kalvin came back he could lie to him about having moved on. I don’t think Mr. Makara has even _seen_ a kid. Kurloz was an abused trailer thing rescued at ten. Me and Meulin saw him when he first got here! ” Karkat gasped with the information and Nepeta slammed her hand around his mouth. “You can’t say a _word”_ She hissed. “Technically I wasn’t supposed to know about it! SAY NOTHING” Karkat nodded carefully, and Nepeta removed her hand. “It’s why there’s an ‘experimentation’ phase where you date and or sleep with as many people as possible in every gender. So you can find what you happen to like. Mr. Makara’s only just been getting back into the market. I’m sad; their compatibility is still really good after all these years.”

          “Holy SHITBALLS!” Nepeta looked at Karkat. “”That’s why he invited Dereck!” Nepeta looked at him confusedly. “He thought Lilith might be unhappy, so he was trying to pitch the idea of an open marriage. The only thing stopping her right now is that she doesn’t know how it’ll affect the kids” Her eyes widened.

          “How do you know that?”

          “There was tension, so I turned up my speakers. While my room was being soundproofed, Kankri was away at bible camp, you and Mew were at the Zahhaks and we had switched rooms.” He eyes widened again.

          “You’re a genius!” She proclaimed. He nodded happily and she screamed with joy at a thought. “DIRK STRIDER!”

          “Who?”

          “One of the new people! He wrote down a family tree in my book and it made me really confused, but maybe that was his way of just saying he’s in an open relationship.” Karkat gasped along with her. In that moment, both children had gotten on the same page, in the next moment, it horrified Karkat.

          “SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT! I’m joining you in this stupidity aren’t I?” She nodded at him, still smiling. “God” He collapsed back unto his bed. “I’m going to turn into _you_ I’m going to be nothing more than a pun spitting matchmaker.”

          “Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.” She smirked. “You have a long way to go before you’re up to my standard. But get Mr. Makara a match and you’ll be climbing in no time.” He rolled his eyes, but the two kids fist bumped and slept with plans on their minds.


	11. A Captor-Megido family affair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I know none of you will bother to say anything even if you don't understand, the lisps work like this:
> 
> Sollux has a lisp on the 's' so everywhere there's a s is th  
> Mituna has a lisp on the 't' so everywhere there's a t is sth  
> Siimon has both lisps along with issues pronouncing i. It will have sth for t, th for s, and ihh for i.

The next day found the two Leijon girls and Karkat checking out Meulin’s truck. Well, Karkat checked it out while Meulin sobbed over her poor dead baby and Nepeta tried to get ahold of Equius on the ONE day he was too busy to answer her calls. The thing had been working…what Meulin called ‘fine’, but had refused to start this morning. Karkat was supposed to be getting a ride to Sollux’s place, but instead got talked into checking under the hood even though he knew less than nothing about cars. The 16 year old frowned as he looked at the mishmash of wires.

          “You realize I have _no FUCKING idea_ what I’m doing” He shouted from under the hood. Nepeta must have translated because the next thing he knew, Meulin was responding.

          “WHAT DOES THE SCHOOL TEACH MEW! YOU CAN’T EV—FUR FIX A PURR?” He got mad then, ripping himself up from under the hood and making sure his mouth was visible.

          “LISTEN HERE CRAZY CAT LADY, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS WORKS AND YOU BULIED ME INTO HELPING!”

          “YOU’RE THE ONE THAT WAT—PURRED A RIDE!”

          “YOU’RE THE ONE THAT OFF—PURRED” Meulin blinked at him before she smirked, and Nepeta snickered. His face grew hot. “OFFERED! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT! IT’S ONLY BECAUSE I’M STUCK IN A HOUSE WITH YOU TWO!” Meulin’s smirk grew into a full-fledged grin and Nepeta laughed as hard as she could. “FUCK THIS, FUCK YOU, I’LL WALK” Karkat, with his face still burning went to start the walk to the Captor- Megido cousin sanctuary of two, when he was stopped by a…“What’s that sound?” He mused aloud, while Meulin sniffed the air.

          “I SMELL HAIR GREASE AND AXE. WHERE’S THE AM—PURR—A?”

          “Shit” Karkat moaned as he recognized the sound. It was a motorcycle, one of the only four in town, and he was _never_ lucky enough for it to be Nitram or even Serket. The machine slammed down the street once, before backing up and parking right in front of Karkat. The only saving grace was that the figure was WAY too tall to be Eridan, a thought confirmed by the removed helmet. Cronus was wearing his sunglasses, as he always did. Apparently the ‘alien’ inside of him was nocturnal and annoyed by the sun. He looked Down at Karkat, who—to be fair, was only an inch or two shorter than Kankri. Short ran in the family.

          “Oh! It’s you” Cronus didn’t bother getting off his bike, just stood on it when he realized it was not the Vantas he wanted. “Hey there short stuff. Wvhere’s your brother?” That was another thing he did. Apparently, ‘w’s and ‘v’s didn’t translate well from his fake alien tongue. He probably did it in a sad attempt to be cool, same with all the unsmoked cigarettes he carried around.

          “I don’t know where the hell Kankri is, I don’t really want to know either, and even if I _did_ know, what the FUCK makes you think I’m going to tell you?” Karkat may have hated Kankri, but his brother was actually legitimately freaked out by his attraction to the other male. Unlike Nepeta, he tended to let things lay where they fell. Cronus’ face fell

          “Aww, don’t be like that, I just wvanna see him” He sighed. “Been ignorin my calls, not cool.” There was a moment, a very small moment, where Karkat actually felt bad for the guy, then he turned his head very slightly, and checked him out. “Unless you tryin ta keep me awvay from him ‘cause you wvant all this to yourself?” Moment gone. Cronus leaned towards him a bit more. “You tryin ta get me in some kinda trouble aint ya? You a bad boy, aint ya?” Karkat couldn’t respond, as he was too horrified and trying desperately not to puke. Cronus was about 22, and sleazy as all fuck. The creep master was currently waggling what would have been eyebrows had he had eyebrows. Luckily, his sisters were there to save him. Cronus screamed as a large gust of water threw him off of his bike. Karkat turned to see Meulin nod to Nepeta to turn off the hose. She stepped forward and pushed Karkat behind her. Cronus shook off the water that had soaked through his leather jacket and was causing his shirt to stick to him. He fumbled around blindly for his glasses and once they were on turned to ‘glare’ at whoever had done that. When he saw it was Meulin, while he on the ground and dripping wet, he seemed to get even smaller. “H, Hey Babe.”

          “WHAT DID MEW SAY TO MY BROTH—PURR?” She demanded angrily. He shook his head.

          “Nothin, nothin. Read my lips babe—all I did was ask him where Kankri was I swear!” Meulin didn’t believe him for a second, she only took one step before he was in a headlock. She turned back to Karkat.

          “WAS HE BOTH—PURRING YOU?” Karkat blinked at her, one powerful arm snugly fitted around Cronus’ throat. The ‘alien’ was freaking out.

          “KAR! NO PLEASE! DO ME A  FAVOR! HELP A GUY OUT WHY DON’T YA!” Meulin must have noticed his gaze, because she flexed, and Cronus stopped talking. Karkat blinked at the man, who was changing color, his lightly tanned skin turning red…then blue…and…was that violet?

          “He offered to take Karkat to Sollux’s place is all” Nepeta’s voice cuts through both the sound of blood rushing through Cronus’ ears and Karkat’s inability to breathe as he watches the woman he shared a household with coldly about to murder someone.

          “OH IS THAT ALL?” Meulin released Cronus without a second thought. He fell to the ground and began spluttering for air like he’d never heard of it. “DO YOU NEED MORE WATER?” She asked mockingly. Karkat winced. In his fake alien world, he was a ‘seadweller’ and a prince. It was kind of a low blow, but when he shook his head ‘no’ frantically, she left it alone. He was so shaken up that needed to be helped back to his feet by Karkat and Nepeta as Meulin went inside to try her luck with Horuss.

          “She’s having a bad day.” The youngest Leijon confided to the poor thing as he unsuccessfully tried to wipe some of the dirt and grime from his clothing. “Her car kinda…gave up the ghost.”

          “Thank goddness” He snarled. “That thing wvas gonna blowv up and take half the street with it. It probably killed itself rather than continue to be the eyesore of the…” Nepeta was glaring at him, and while it was nowhere near as potent as her sister’s glare, it got the job done. “Um…I mean…I could take a look at it” he grinned once, his customized fangs glinting in the light. I was amazing how something that made Meulin so terrifying made him look like such a tool. Nepeta’s eyes widened.

          “THAT’S ALRIGHT!” She screamed, but he ignored her and side stepped her to look at the vehicle. “Cronus, really, it’s o.k. We were about to get Equius to come look at it, THAT IS NOT A MOTORCYCLE” Cronus went under the hood that Karkat had just left and looked around. Meulin came back outside pouting.

          “HOR—PUSS DID SOMETHING BAD, HE’S BEEN GROUNDED FROM FUR—KING ON ANYTHING.” She them noticed Cronus. “HEY! WHAT ARE MEW DOING!” He got out from under the hood to look up into the angry olive green eyes and multiple piecing of one very angry cat.

          “I need duct tape.” He said to her. At her confused look, he repeated it, which caused her to flip him off before ripping some of the tape from the frame. He took it and dove back under the hood. After a few moments he gave Meulin a thumbs up. The woman was skeptical, but when she started the car, it did in fact start.

          “WHOOP WHOOP! IT’S A MIRIACLE!” She gave a small happy dance as she laughed around her revived car. Cronus raised an eyebrow at the display.

          “Can someone tell her that the power line was cut?” He asked after a moment.

          “Nah, we just let her be hap—furry sometimes.” Nepeta assured. It turned out to be a good day for Cronus, Meulin was happy enough that she felt bad for ruining his clothes, and so he was able to go home with one of Kankri’s dirty shirts. After a quick stop at the ice-cream place, Meulin fulfilled her promise of taking Karkat to Sollux’s place. Meulin drove off after that, taking Nepeta to a ‘Queens grooming day’ whatever the fuck that meant. It was a day for broken machines apparently, because Karkat was at Sollux’s to get his laptop fixed. (he had a computer as well, but it was the principal of the thing)

          “Hey Athth hat, how’th it been?” Sollux asked as he opened the door for his friend.

          “Oh Fuck off while you attempt to lisp your way through the English language and fail miserably.” Karkat scoffed at the slightly older boy. Sollux smirked at him, then said something that was probably cursing him out in Japanese.  “WHAT” Sollux grinned wider.

          “I thaid, the aththhole that only theakth one language thayth ‘what’. Karkat narrowed his eyes as the other boy started chuckling.

          “Oh get fucked.” Karkat snarled at him. Sollux’s amusement only grew. “Are you gonna keep flirting with me or are you gonna fix my fucking computer?” Sollux still smirked, but he held his hands out for the offered device. Karkat handed it over as there was more Japanese screaming from somewhere in the house. Followed shortly by

          “I CANSTH FUCKING UNDERSSTHAND YOU!!!!!!! SHUSTHSTH UP!!!” There was also the sound something breaking. Sollux sighed and ran his hand through his weird hair. It was shaved down and left red on one half, while the hacker grew out and dyed black the other half.

          “Let’th go upthairth.” He grumbled, then downright smirked at Karkat. “Can’t wait to get you in my bed” He waggled his eyebrows at the boy who predictably turned bright red.

          “DUDE, SERIOUSLY” Sollux threw his head back and cackled at the look on his face. There was more Japanese behind him, before it swiftly shifted to English.

          “Karkasth, Ihh dihhdn’sth know you were here. Ya hungry lihhl man?” Siimon was Sollux’s oldest cousin, and the one they lived with. He stepped out from the doorway. “WE HAVE GUETHSTH THO THEAK ENGLISTH” Somehow that was the signal for all the Japanese in the house to shift radically.

          “HE IS GOING TO SUFFER!!!”

          “YOU JUSSTH GOSTH BACK YOU CRAZY BICSTH” Damara and Mituna were arguing, which was apparently the way they got along. They were kind of weird.

 

The whole situation with the family was kind of weird to be honest. Through some flaw in the system, Damara had gotten shipped to Japan with one cousin, and Mituna had gone to Alternus with Siimon. The kicker? The two were twins, and wouldn’t stop crying without one another. To make it worse, because everything dealing with the Captors was ‘two’ (bi polar disorder, bisexuality, Heterochromia, double jointed, it was _weird_ ) another set of twins was lost in the system a few years later. Luckily, Sollux had gotten sent over to Haruko. Unluckily, it was a game of ‘Find Aradia before Sollux drives everyone nuts with his crying’. They weren’t able to find her, and Sollux came over with Haruko, who moved to Alternus partly because she wanted help with the kids and mostly because her boss was a sexist dick. They actually stopped looking for Aradia when Sollux was 9, thought she was dead for a while, then she just popped up in Mexico and they’d been able to grab the then 13 year old from the family that was quite sure that she was possessed. It was hilarious. But it had kinda left everyone speaking two languages with the glaring exception of Aradia, who spoke three. So it was now English that Damara and Mituna cursed each other out in. Apparently, she wanted to find Rufioh and finish what she started.

          “HE IS CHEATING SLIME AND MUST BE PUNISHED”

          “ONCE A CHEASTH ALWAYS A CHEASTH, LESTH HORUSS DEAL WISTH HIM!”

          “THAT GLORIFIED HORSE COULDN’T DEAL WITH HIS OWN REAR END!”

          “HE MUSSTH BE DOING A GOOD JOB ON RUFIOH’S BECAUSE HE LEFSTH YOU!” More crashing, more smashing. Siimon glowered at the room. The thirty year old inhaled once through his nose and massaged his temples.

          “Tho…we’re jutht gonna…go” Sollux smiled to his caretaker. Siimon nodded tiredly, and the two sixteen year olds practically flew upstairs. Sollux slammed them into the first room he found, as all the rooms were soundproofed and it didn’t matter.

          “My room” Both boys looked up to see Aradia sitting on the corner of her bed sewing a tiny dress for a tiny skeleton.

          “Jethuth AA, you thill making Day of the Dead thit? I thought it wath in November?”

          “Día de Muertos takes place from when you recognize Halloween until November second yes. I thought you’d remember that. Two” Sollux scowled at the sister that had quirked her eyebrow at him. “Besides” She smiled and turned her attention back to the dress she was stitching. “You can never start preparing to early, it’s my favorite holiday.” Sollux sighed.

          “You know, thith ith why they thought you were poththethed.” She giggled at him for that.

          “I just find it funny. You all thought I was dead, and because you remembered me—I came back. It’s like a real life skeleton story…except, ya know, I was never actually dead” She giggled again. Sollux looked at Karkat, then back at his sister. “You gonna let me work? Or you jutht gonna creep me out until I leave you alone?” She looked directly up at his mismatched eyes then.

          “Conjeturar” she smirked.

          “Yeah, I thought tho. Come on KK” Sollux grabbed Karkat and left the room to Aradia’s cackling. Once the door closed, her voice cut out. “Thorry about that, thhe getths a little wonky if thhe goeth to long without a ‘corpthe party’.”

          “ _Corpse party?”_ Sollux smirked, then shrugged.

          “Funeral didn’t tranthlate well I think…or that could jutht be her word for it.” He shrugged again. “I lotht the fuckth to give my thither thortly after thhe arrived.”

          “Eww, you gave your sister your fucks?” Both assholes laughed at that, when Sollux stopped suddenly.

          “KK, do you hear that?” Karkat listened carefully.

          “I don’t hear anything” He confessed.

          “EXACTLY” Sollux gasped. The two stopped quickly into his room to drop off the computer, before racing downstairs. They listened carefully once they got downstairs. There was light Japanese muttering and they followed into the kitchen. While the Leijon-Vantas household was rarely quiet, screaming was how the Captor-Megido’s showed affection; a quiet household was a death sentence. The two slammed into the kitchen to see Damara, Mituna, and Siimon backed up against a wall with Haruko holding a butcher knife threateningly. Karkat was completely lost as she was speaking Japanese, but Sollux understood it and jumped forward. He began to viciously argue with the woman twice his age in their native tongue. Thought all this, Mituna recognized he was there.  

          “KARKASTH!” The 19 year old ginger almost fell over himself in the effort to bypass his cousins and hug his friend. “YOU DIDNTSH STHELL ME YOU WERE HERE YOU ALBINO FREAK OF NASTHURE!” Karkat allowed himself to be pulled into the crushing grasp of the other boy. Mituna suffered from Tourette’s, and rather than learn how to control it, he used to as his excuse for everything. There were quite a few times where _everyone_ was sure he was just being a racist, classist, ableism spewing, homophobic dick not because he actually _felt_ any of the things…but more because he got a kick out of saying them without anyone being able to call him on it. He was cool though, he tended to notice if something actually hurt someone and not use it again. Otherwise, it was practically your nickname. He was a dick like that. “HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE YOU WORSTHHLESS PIECE OF SHISTH!?” He asked as he lifted she much shorter boy.

          “I’ve been here since the last time you had a haircut you fucking sheepdog. God, it’s no wonder you fall all over your damn skateboard you can’t see.”

          “YES I CAN!” Mituna proclaimed. He ripped a ratty piece of string from around his wrist and used it to tie back some of the _mop_ of ginger hair that hung chin length around his entire head. “STHADA!” He grinned, and Karkat could actually see the grin now. It lit up his freckles and now Karkat could plainly see when the blue eye winked at him. That was another thing with the family, they were all _terrible_ flirts. It was a wonder none of the Megidos had done anything yet.

          “Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttt” Damara had appeared from nowhere, or rather he hadn’t heard her come to him over the argument in Japanese taking place a few feet away. She pouted at him. “You didn’t come over and speak to me. Very _naughty_.” She’d done that purring thing in the back of her throat, but it was somehow Mituna that saved him.

          “MINE” He snarled as he pulled Karkat away from her. She glared at him.

          “You have Latula _and_ Kurloz. Give me one”

          “YOU HAVE ONE, MEULIN! I GESTH ALL STHHE OSTHER BABES!”

          “THAT IS NOT FAIR!” She screamed. He cackled, but held Karkat firmly away from her. “Why not share?” She asked. “Otherwise you’ll have _three_ ” Mituna actually physically shuddered at the idea of losing a multiple of two.

          “I’M NOSTH FUCKING MY SISSTHER!”

          “WHY NOT!?” That was where he faltered. Karkat was already as red as he could get, but got somehow redder at the fact that Mituna saw NO PROBLEMS IN SLEEPING WITH HIS SISTER. He twisted his head a bit, then held out the hand that wasn’t in a death grip on Karkat’s shoulder.

          “DEAL” She reached over, and they were about to seal said deal, when Siimon saved him.

          “NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO! Thollux claihhmed hihhm already!” The two groaned. “AND DON’STH FUCK EACH OSTHHER WE STHALKED ABOUSTH STHHASTH!” The two groaned worse, and began to actually _argue_ the point. Sollux grabbed Karkat from Siimon as Haruko begin to help him in arguing down the twins why it was _not_ a good idea to date one another.  

          “WE DON’T WANT TO DATE, JUST FUCK! I NEED PRACTICE!”  

          “DAMARA’S HOSTH, WHY WOULDN’STH I FUCK HER!?”

          “YOU STHWO ARE STHWINTH!” Sollux started to drag Karkat away, as he knew for a fact that this was currently a bomb about to go off. Sure enough, the moment they got back to his room is when Karkat exploded. Sollux didn’t even have time to close the door.

          “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY! THEY’RE TWINS! TWINS! THEY HAVE THE SAME HAIR IT’S JUST INVERTED SO THAT MITUNA’S IS RED WITH BLACK HIGHLIGHTS AND DAMARA IS BLACK WITH RED HIGHLIGHTS! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK”

          “KK relax” Sollux tried to calm him down as he closed the door. “You can’t thay you never thought about it, your thitherth are hot—”  
          “MY SISTERS ARE STEP SISTERS, THEY AREN’T ACTUALLY RELATED TO ME YOU SICK FUCK” Sollux shrugged as he opened up the laptop and started to work on it.

          “Your bother’th hot to…just need to tape hith mouth thut.” Karkat stared at Sollux in open mouthed horror. “If it maketh you feel any better, Damara would fuck anything, and Mituna’th jutht been hearing taleth of her prowethth and wantth to thee for himthelf.” Sollux shrugged again. “Thhe’th hot I’ll give her that, but I think I’d do Tuna firtht.” Karkat actually shuddered at that. Sollux rolled his mismatched eyes. “Relax, there dithant couthinth. Everyone on earth ith related. When the geneth get far enough you don’t get any more bad thide effectth.” Karkat curled up on Sollux’s bed, far away from the young genius who had no qualms with fucking his family. “Could be worthe.

          “How could the raping of my morals that just happened _possibly_ get worse?”

          “Mituna, Thiimon, and Haruko have fucked before. You could have walked in on that.” Karkat threw up a little bit in his mouth. “Damara wath _piththed_ thhe didn’t get invited. That’th where the whole ‘tharing’ thing came from.” The other boy shrugged. There was a bit of silence, before a rasping laugh filled the room. “Damn KK, your computer fuckth more than DM, at leatht thhe’th thafe.” Karkat blushed bright red at that.

          “Can you fix it or not you perverted douche?” Sollux nodded.

          “Take off you thirt”

          “What!?”

          “You’re not paying me, thith ith gonna take a while…and I am a pervert, tho take off the thirt…or pay thomeone to do it, have it take longer, and not be done right tho you have to come here anyway.” Sollux swung around in his chair so that his mismatched gaze met Karkat head on. The albino blushed down to his toes, but took off the grey tee shirt, grumbling all the way. The perverted hacker grinned once, then turned back around to gleefully recode Karkat’s computer. “And don’t even think of putting it back on” He shouted behind him. “I’m elbowth deep in your fucking life right here, you don’t wanna make me mad or anything?” The threat was a half true thing, it there were any incriminating photos or anything, Sollux would be getting them anyway. If it turned out Karkat did put back on the shirt, Sollux would put a time capsule virus on the thing to insure he had to come back, and then he would threaten him with ‘sharing’ with Mituna.


	12. Massacre (part one)

Karkat left the Captor-Megido home with a perfectly fixed laptop and more than a few pieces of traumatic knowledge he would give his most valuable body part to scrub from his mind. Meulin didn’t seem to notice anything wrong when she picked him up, but Nepeta kept pestering him to see what was wrong. The absolute last thing he’d needed was Aradia and Sollux blowing him a goodbye kiss while Damara and Mituna waved him off with their arms wrapped around one another. But it was what he got, and it made sure he didn’t speak for the rest of the night, not even to yell at Kankri who was screaming about a missing shirt. He just went silently to sleep, overjoyed at the fact he had given up religion and so didn’t need to be awake at an ungodly hour in the morning. Unfortunately for him, he forgot all about his father’s promise to go to Massacre, and that Graham’s sermons were at night. This led to him being woken up anyway by the worst possible sight. As Karkat slipped open his scarlet eyes, Meulin’s pierced, fanged, pre painted face assaulted his vision, olive eyes glinting dangerously.

                                                                                                               "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” He was stopped only by Meulin clamping her hand over his mouth (once she figured out that he was screaming).

          “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU KAR—KITTY?” Once Karkat calmed down a bit he was able to realize that it was in fact his stepsister and not some dream demon from the nth dimension, he was very (justifiably) angry.

          “WHY THE FUCK!” He said slowly, making sure she was watching his mouth. “Did you think it was a good god damn idea to wake me up in all your clown glory?” She smiled at him.

          “I USUALLY SPEND ALL DAY IN MAKEUP. I JUST REME—PURRED THAT I HAVE TO TEACH YOU AL THE PRO—PURR WAY TO PUT IT ON AND TAKE IT OFF. IT’S BREAK—FUR—ST SILLY! YOU WON’T HAVE TIME TO EAT UNTIL LAT—FUR AND YOU’RE NOT FUR—POUNCE TO EAT LAT—PURR ANYWAY.” As his heart rate descended back to normal, he remembered that he was usually eating breakfast when she left for ‘massacre’ and that he was either gamming or asleep by the time she got back.

          “Alright, whatever…breakfast” He conceded. When he trekked down the stairs he saw that the table was covered in papers due to Lilith. “No work at the breakfast table” He mumbled to his mom as he walked past her. He grabbed some toast, eggs, and some of the leftover dodo that Meulin had reheated and put out. It was then that he woke up enough to realize that Meulin had made enough food for a small army. There were also smiley faced chocolate chip pancakes, a mountain of sausage, and it looked like the toast he’d picked up was supposed to be for French toast.

          “Ummm…Mom, do you know what’s going on in here?” Lilith looked up from the papers she was working on and Karkat realized belatedly that he’d been on her left before. She blinked at the shear amount of food, and Karkat noticed that she wasn’t working so much as painting something circular, and had probably started on the other side of the table and didn’t notice the food earlier.

          “Meulin why did you” She stopped as she realized that her oldest was currently frying French toast and so had her back turned. Lilith got up and tapped her daughter on the shoulder. Meulin turned, frying pan in hand. “Why did you cook so much?” Lilith asked once she was sure the younger woman was watching her lips.

          “WE HAVE TO EAT BE—FUR MASSA—PURR. WE CAT EAT AF—PURR, SO STUFF NOW.” With that she turned back to continue cooking. “AND I WASN’T SURE HOW MUCH FOOD WAS NEEDED FOR A LITTER!” Lilith blinked a few times, but shook her head.

          “Karkat” The younger boy looked at her. “Have you done an art project to sacrifice?” He flushed, but didn’t answer. Lilith nodded. “Well you better get something to eat and join Nepeta. You two of help each other; she’s having issues with the whole ‘color’ thing.” Karkat blushed, he wasn’t an artist, but he made _one_ picture in class and no one had ever let him forget. He grabbed a plate and piled it high with some of everything, then went to find his sister. She was in her room, surrounded by ruined and crumpled charcoal drawings. He placed his food down by her unnoticed, and watched her for a moment. She didn’t notice him, just finished the drawing, tried to color it with crayons, which of course managed to smudge the charcoal. She would scream in frustration and he tilted his head a moment. Wordlessly he exited her room and walked into Meulin’s. He always had to stop upon actually entering. She never painted anything white, so the last mural she worked on bled through whatever she was working on currently. She painted it just to get a good look at it before painting it onto an easel. So her walls looked like they were _bleeding_ paint. It was equal parts horrific and beautiful. Karkat shook his head to force himself to pay attention. He then started rummaging around the room for what he needed. The crazy woman had every piece of art supplies ever. Most of it was for class, as her preferred medium was paint. This meant that while her paint supplies was impeccably neat and organized by color, type, and quality, the rest of her stuff was a warzone and if you found what you were looking for you were lucky. That being said, Kankri also had an annoying ass habit of coming into her room and cleaning up everything (ruining her paints directory in the process). Luckily for Karkat, Kankri had been by last night, probably to get revenge for her giving Cronus a shirt, so she hadn’t had time to completely destroy everything yet. It only took a half hour to find her colored charcoal. He took the necessary object and brought it to Nepeta, who was still having the same issue she was having when he left her. Karkat sighed. She could be so smart sometimes…then, something like this happened. He put the charcoal down next to her and it took a few moments for her to actually notice it.

          “OH MY GOD KARKAT THIS IS PERFECT WHERE’D YOU FIND IT!!!” He shuddered as her shrill voice hit his ear so early in the morning.

          “Meulin used it for a project a year ago. She never used it again and mom told me you were having coloring issues. Since I found it how about you do my sacrifice for me and we call it even” Nepeta nodded distractedly, already sketching out something that could only be called ‘beautiful’ with her new colors.

Karkat watched as he ate, and shoveled some food into her mouth as she worked. Within an hour she had crafted two full colored portraits, one of herself, the other of Karkat. To be the kicker, both of them were colored with the rainbow. On Karkat his eyes were white, while his forehead and bangs were red. The rest of his hair was black and his skin was grey—like the tee shirt he always wore. Her hair was actually colored the same as always. Blues, and greens darting about and her natural black blended in at some points. Her eyes were also white, but she’d gone with the olive green of her eyes for her skin. She had also drawn herself with her hat. Their plates where clean and they went down to put them in the sink (and also find someplace to keep the drawings where they wouldn’t smudge.) Kalvin and Kankri were back and changed, though what they had changed into was the cause of some concern.

          “Ummmm…what the fuck are you two wearing?” Karkat asked as he tried (failed) to process what they were wearing.

          “Language Karkat” Kankri snarled.

          “Kankri, don’t be hypocritical. Karkat, please refrain from using language that will cause your brother to scream any more than he already does…around him.” Kankri bristled, as that was _not_ what he wanted to hear, but Kalvin continued, ignoring the hateful glare sent his way. “We changed for massacre, which you should do as well. Try to look as ridiculous as possible.” It certainly _explained_ what they were wearing. Kalvin had donned a multicolored bed sheet and wrapped it around himself like a hooded cloak. He also had on grey tights that went up to his armpits. Luckily for Karkat, he was also wearing grey briefs, because you could see _everything_ in those tights. Kankri was wearing a pair of bright red hot pants that Porrim had sewn him one year as a gag gift. He also had on long grey socks. He managed to find two shirts in a color other than red. His plaid shirt was on over a lime green shirt, and he looked as pissed as he possibly could, though that could have something to do with the fact that his once white hair was now cerulean blue and covered in…what looked like candy. (Meulin had probably done it, and even managed to sneak in one of those chalky valentine message hearts with a #Fuck Off on it. His brother either hadn’t noticed or hadn’t cared.)

          “THERE YOU TWO ARE!” Karkat jumped about a foot in the air as he turned to Meulin. “DO YOU WANT TO GET DRESSED FUR—ST OR PUT ON PAINT?” Kalvin waved to her. She wore a bright yellow short—sleeve shirt over a long sleeved green and pink striped shirt. Though the stripes on her arms were horizontal, the collar that was folded over the regular tee shirt had vertical stripes. Her shit also had the Leo symbol in an obnoxiously bright shade of olive green. Karkat stopped to truly look at her outfit. She had a stripped skirt that matched the yellow of her short sleeved top, but half of the stripes were the same lilac of the tail and cat ears she’d donned. Her long socks were the same stripes as her long sleeves, and her shoes were as green as the Leo symbol on her shirt.

          “Getting dressed would be better.” Kalvin said once he had her attention “That way, they won’t ruin their paint switching clothing.” Meulin nodded.

          “I’LL BE READY WITH THE PAINT WHEN YOU COOL KITENS ARE DONE” With that, she walked off. Karkat winced, before Nepeta tapped him on the shoulder.

          “Come on, Mew and I got stuff for you to wear yesterday.” He blinked and she pulled him back up to her room. His outfit was a lime green shirt with blue and red pinstripes on the sleeves. There were white pants with red and orange stripes that were almost obnoxiously thick starting at his knees. The white pants also had suspenders. Nepeta also had an orange ribbon, which she wove through his hair along with a red one. The two had even found him a pair of blue loafers. He looked in a mirror (he had to go to his room to get the mirror because his family was fucking nuts.)

          “The only way I could look more like an asshole is if I called up Eridan to borrow his scarf.” He decided. Nepeta smiled at him in the mirror.

          “Glad you like it, NOW OUT” Karkat was unceremoniously dumped out of her room and she emerged a few moments later. She had managed to either make or find her hat in green with blue stripes. She had also found her ‘adventuring’ coat in a pastel blue that matched the stripes of her hat. She had donned a baby pink shirt with a teapot and several black sugar cubes. She was wearing a black poufy skirt that ended at her knees. She had on striped blue and green stockings that disappeared into green boots. It was then Karkat noticed that she had re—dyed her hair, so that the tips were blue and pink.

          “I stand corrected…you, _you_ look like more of a tool than anyone I have ever seen.” She scowled at him.

          “And to think, you haven’t seen the Makaras yet.” He turned red from the tips of his ears to his toes.

          “Oh god. I can’t do this. I need to be able to look Gamzee in the face. It’s HARD ENOUGH WITH THAT FUCKING STONED ASS CLOWN—YOU JUST MADE IT HARDER.”

          “Karkat please stop before Kankri hears you. I really don’t need to hear him on top of painting for your father this morning.” Karkat turned to Lilith and had quickly remind himself that she was his mother and to get his jaw off the ground. Lilith had either not heard the memo for looking ridiculous, or decided she wouldn’t let it stop her. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail and blow dried as big as it could get. She had run it through with ribbons every color of the rainbow. Her dress was a halter that was a bit _tight_ around the bust area, before forming a very nice ‘A’ line skirt. The dress itself was deep olive green with multicolored polka dots. She wore blue and green pinstriped gloves with matching shoes. She seemed to notice his gaze. “Do you think your farther will like it?” Karkat nodded dumbly as Nepeta giggled.

          “I think you’re trying a bit too hard mom” Lilith frowned. “When’s that dress from anyway?”

          “A few years ago…last time I attended Massacre” Nepeta’s mouth dropped open.

          “Wasn’t that like, when I was five!?” Lilith nodded. “DAMN YOU’VE KEPT YOUR FIGURE!” Lilith smirked a bit.

          “Thanks, I’m gonna add last one alteration. Go to the master bathroom alright, Meulin is waiting for you.” Nepeta nodded politely as Lilith disappeared back into her room.

          “Karkat?” The boy blinked twice before shaking his head and looking at her. “She’s your _mom_ ” Nepeta reminded him. He nodded a bit shakily.

          “I know…she’s just…wow, she was hot. And she kept her figure” Nepeta nodded and guided her brother to the master bathroom. Meulin was there, waiting as they’d been told she was, along with their father and brother. “We’re here!” Nepeta chirped.

          “We know, we could hear Karkat’s filthy fucking mouth from do—”

          “KANKRI” The boy obediently shut up and pouted. Nepeta blinked at him.

          “Kankri, all you alright?” That was the wrong question because the blue haired boy leapt out of his seat, and with an accusing finger at his father, started up.

          “HE let those _heathens_ into the church! Not just that, he put them in the front, he spoke about tolerating their lies and asked the entire parish to join us at their _circus of blasphemy!_ He…” Kankri started one of his infamous rants, and everyone allowed it to melt into white noise…as they often did with Kankri. Though Kalvin did mouth ‘circus of blasphemy’ as it was one of his more creative insults for the mirthful messiahs.

          “KANKRI SHUT UP OR I WILL BURN YOUR BIBLE DAMN IT ALL!!!!” Lilith stormed into the room, dress altered with two rainbow sashes in an ‘x’ pattern over the bodice. Kankri growled once before forcing himself to be quiet.

          “I recognize that dress” Kalvin murmured quietly. “At least, I remember the bottom of that dress. But I suppose the top wouldn’t fit anymore. You’re much bigger than you were as a teenager.”

          “I am” She agreed. “But you might wanna re—think that whole ‘not fitting’ thing.” He raised his eyebrows then, and tried to peer around the new top, but she had tied it expertly and he couldn’t get a good look.

          “NOW THAT EVER—FURRY—ONE’S HERE, I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE PURR—FUR WAY TO TAKE OFF AND PUT ON PAINT!” With that she began the ritual of taking off her paint. She took off all of her piercings, including her tongue ring.  Then she praised the Messiahs and took a rag. She soaked the rag in a solution that was not water, praying out loud about miracles. Then she placed the soaked rag on her face on her face and pressed in. As she took the rag off of her face, her paint was unharmed, but there was an imprint of the pattern on the fabric. She then screamed once, a cruel and piercing sound, as if she’d focused on all the misery of the world and let it out in one moment. After that, she cleaned the rag with soapy water and used it to clean her face, remaining intently silent as she did so. With a clear face she smiled once and let out a series of painful sounding shriek—laughs. “AND THAT MOTH—FUR FUR—KERS, IS HOW YOU CLEAN YOUR PAINT. ANY QUESTIONS?” Karkat raised a hand. Nepeta nodded at him brightly. Kankri rolled his eyes and began muttering angrily under his breath about nonsense and a few other things that, if Meulin could hear him, would have probably gotten him hit. Kalvin it seemed had been listening to his shit since church got out and was completely done with paying attention.

          “I know I’m going to regret this” Karkat started. “Hell, I already feel the fucking regret seeping into my bones for the stupid ass question I’m about to ask. But I need, for my sanity, you to tell me why your piercings had to come out, what that she was that you put on your face, why the _fuck_ you needed an imprint of something you were just going to wipe away, what the hell was wrong with you and why you screamed, why you were so god damned quiet when taking it off, why the hell you felt the need to make us shit ourselves with that weird ass laugh…I guess that’s it.” Rather than ANY reaction he was hoping for, Meulin’s face split into a scarily wide smile. She hugged him close.

          “I WILL SHARE WITH YOU THE MIRACLES OF THE MESSIAHS LITTLE BROTHER! CONGRATULATIONS, FOR ON THIS DAY YOU HAVE STARTED TO ASK THE QUESTIONS OF THE STARS” She ruffled his hair, messing with the ribbons, then placed him on the ground and sat on the counter so that she could fully talk with her hands. “MY PURR—CINGS WEREN’T ALL UP AND PURE. THEY HAVEN’T BEEN BLESSED AS OF YET. I TOOK AN IN—PUR—INT OF MY PAINT TO O—FUR THE MESSIAHS. THEN YOWLED IN RAGE FOR ALL THE MIRACLES I DID NOT UN—PURR—STAND THIS WEEK. EV—FURRY—THING IN LIFE IS A MIRACLE, BUT SOMETIMES WE DON’T SEE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE AND THEY GET UN—PURR OUR SKIN. SO YOU SCREAM TO LET OUT FUR—STRATION AND MISUN—PURR—STANDINGS. YOU LAUGH TO SHOW THE MESSIAHS YOU WILL ALWAYS LAUGH, AND APPOLIGIZE FUR NOT GETTING ALL OF THEIR JOKES. AS FOR THE SILENCE, A MOTH—PURR—FUR—CKER NEEDS TO BE READY TO ACCEPT THE JOKES THAT COME, ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES, SO THEY NEED A FRESH START EVERY WEEK. CAN’T HAVE A FRESH START WITH LEFTOVER PAINT FROM THE BAD WEEK, NOW CAN THEY?”

          “So…Gamzee puts on his paint every day?” Meulin nods. “Why does he need a fresh start every day?” Her breath hitches, and Karkat sensed he had struck a nerve.

          “SAME REASON KURLOZ DOES. BAD SHIT HAPPENED TO THEM, NEED TO BE ABLE TO SEE THE JOKE IN EVERYTHING. OTHERWISE THEY MIGHT…” She got quiet, and Karkat looked up to see that she was actually fighting back tears. She whimpered a few times, then hugged herself. Karkat didn’t even think before he was hugging her. He didn’t realize he was until he felt her hands in his hair, messing with his ribbons. He pulled away, wiping away tears he didn’t know were falling. He turned red and turned his face away so that his blush wasn’t as pronounced.

          “So…so how do you…” Meulin touched his face with a feather light touch and moved him. He realized with a start that not only were her tears gone, she was smiling softly.

            “I CAN’T HEAR YOU IF I CAN’T SEE YOU” She said in that tone of voice she used when she was trying to replicate a whisper and failed miserably. She poked him on the nose, and for once, she didn’t seem that scary.

          “Sorry” He mumbled, making sure she could see his lips. She just smiled at him in a way he realized was her version of warm. “So what does putting paint _on_ mean” He asked. She lit up.

          “ALRIGHT MOTH—PURR—FUR—KERS I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE WAY TO PUT ON PAINT” She pushed Karkat away from her, and Nepeta caught him, and just as he was deciding she was crazy, she gave a wink that he supposed was meant for him. She tied back her hair, then grabbed the white paint and took out the brush. She lifted the brush up and prayed for its strokes to trap all the misery she would experience through the day and soak it in so that it could not reach her. She prayed for the messiahs to have mercy on her and allow the joy to seep through so that she might be able to see the joke of life hidden in the caricature of how happy she could be. Then she painted her face, first horizontal strokes down her face, then vertical ones across. By the time she was done, her entire face was white. She then unbound her hair and picked up the black paint. She dipped a makeup pencil into the black paint, then tapped at her nose until it was totally black. She drew a straight line from the middle of her nose through the middle of her lips. She then drew three ‘whiskers’ from her nose. One went in a straight line across her cheek, one curved snugly around her eye and disappeared into her hairline, the last curved sharply downward, framing her lips. She made three identical marks on the other side of her face, then took out some black lipstick and applied it. Once her paint was fully applied, she took all of her piercings and re inserted them. The end result took less than ten minutes and was the creature that had woken Karkat up that morning. Kankri shuddered, he was still mumbling, now something about her being a sinner that found comfort in false gods. Meulin either didn’t see him, or was _FULLY_ ignoring him. “WHO WANTS TO TRY?” She asked. Kalvin and Lilith stepped up and Meulin rolled her eyes. “WELL YEAH, SO OBVIOUS, YOU TWO ALREADY HAVE PATTERNS. I MEANT THEM” Karkat’s eyes widened as Nepeta stepped forward.

          “I think I have an idea?” Meulin smiled.

          “GO FUR IT! JUST DON’T COPY ANY ONE ELSE'S PURR—TERN AND HAVE FUN!” Nepeta grabbed the paint and bit her lip.

          “Ummm…Mirth—fur Messiahs, this isn’t me like full on joining the religion or anything, but please let me do this right…and enjoy massacre…and if you play a joke on me…please let me laugh at it and not get hurt by it.” She opened her eyes and glanced at her sister. Meulin smiled and gave her a thumbs up. Nepeta painted her face white no problem, when it got to black, she paused, then partially recreated Meulin’s design, at least on the bottom of her face. “Do I have to use a pencil? And…can I use colors?” She asked her sister. Meulin shook her head.

          “PAINT’S ALL ABOUT CREA—FUR—VITY. WHATEV—FUR YOU NEED TO USE, JUST USE IT.” Nepeta grinned at that, running from the room and returning with a barely used paintbrush and a pallet with some red paint already on it.

          “I have red body paint!” Kalvin stopped her. She smiled at him. “You were about to use acrylic on your skin weren’t you?” She looked down. He gave her some of his red paint, his face was already white, his forehead black. Meulin quirked her head as Nepeta took some white paint and mixed it with the red. She used her paintbrush to make a large pale pink diamond around her left eye. She blinked at the design and grinned. Meulin gave her a thumbs up.

          “That’s nice Nep” her mother commented. Nepeta turned around to her mother and gasped at her design. Her nose and lips had the same cat design as both daughters, but that’s where the similarities ended. He face looked a bit like a cheetah, large black circles filled in with olive green. Her eyes had thick lines of black around them, almost like kohl, rimmed with that same shade of green.

          “WOW, THAT LOOKS BET—FUR THAN IT DID IN THE PICTURE!” Lilith blushed. Kalvin chuckled, his face now fully painted. The black spread from his forehead and seemingly dripped down his face. The red was used to create four ‘tears’ of blood from his eyes. The two on the inside stopped where the black stopped, but the ones on the outside stopped at his chin.

          “I’ll deny it if you tell Graham, but I actually kind of missed the paint.” Lilith raised an eyebrow at him with a secretive smirk. His blush could be seen through his paint. “I missed _the paint”_ He reiterated. Her smirk got worse and she nodded.

          “I'll bet you did”

          “I DID, thank you very much”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, this was supposed to be the whole thing but I got tired...I went to sleep, it's like 4 am right now and I have things to do tomorrow. I'm very sorry. This chapter dosen't give plot, it dosen't advance anything it just...I'm sorry.


	13. Massacre (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I'm a fucking tool. I'm a worse tool than an Ampora, I meant to have this done two days ago, but for some odd reason, life said-oh, there's a deadline? ACTIVATE ANNOYANCE MODE. So I haven't had any time in the past few days to write. I swear I'll write tomorrow, I won't eat, I'll just stay in bed and write I SWEAR, but right now the keyboard is like swimming in front of my eyes.

While the adults smirked at each other, Meulin stepped over to Karkat.

          “DO MEW HAVE A DESIGN IN MIND?” She asked. Karkat opened his mouth, then closed it again. He really wanted to say ‘yes’…mostly because he was sure if he let her do his face he’d end up a cat. But at the same time, no—he did not have any ideas. Meulin’s cat thing made sense, she was obsessed with them, Nepeta had incorporated something she very much cared about—her shipping shit, and on top of it, the one piece of shipping shit she cared about above the others. It was only for a day, yeah…but it was also really important to Meulin. She seemed to be able to read his thoughts.

          “I HAVE A DESIGN IN MIND FUR MEW, DON’T FURRY.” She pulled him close to the counter and he saw out of his eye that Kankri was also getting painted, though by Lilith and much more irritated than anything. “CLOSE YOUR EYES” Meulin recommended, and he did. Her prayer must have been in her head, because the next thing he knew, the soft bristles were tickling him. He felt his face painted white, then felt fingers pushing his features softly. “ALRIGHT” Meulin sounded unsure. “TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK”

          “I think he looks just as ridiculous as everyone else, objective achieved.” Karkat opened his eyes to see Kankri pouting. Kankri’s paint was relatively simple, just some red rimming the underside of his eyes as if he were crying, and a stripe of green from his temples to the bottom of each cheek, only stopping at the red, but appearing on his lids. Karkat didn’t need to look in a mirror to know that more than that had been done to him. He took a deep breath, and turned to the mirror. His face had been smudged so much with black that it looked almost grey. The only part that was truly white was around his mouth, angry red paint on the inside formed a frown that went off his chin. Faded red paint formed a smile that lost what little color it had until it hit his cheeks. Red and white were also around his eyes, but only the lids. He winked at himself in the mirror, and found that it was hard to tell the difference between an open eye and the closed one. He chuckled at it, finding that a smile caused the frown on his face to twist into a smirk. He turned to Meulin, making sure she could see him.

 ** _Love_** her eyes widened, she signed something back at him, while Kankri began to loudly complain about being the only one in the family that didn’t know sign, and how it was absurdly rude to use it in his presence as he didn’t know how to read or speak it. Karkat didn’t listen, he focused on Meulin.

          “I only learned like three words” He mouthed to her, once again keeping Kankri out of the loop. He eyes widened, and she quirked her lips at him, nodding. She hugged him again, but this time he was kind of expecting it. Everyone except Kankri, who was still ranting to hear himself talk, smirked at him, and the pushed Meulin off. “OKAY” He said out loud. “We’re all…painted whores, when is Massacre actually?” This was all said as he hid his face less because of a visible blush and more of a reaction to feeling heat. Meulin blinked at him, but Nepeta was at her side in a moment to translate.

          “LET’S GO!” Meulin practically bounced out the bathroom. Lilith and Kalvin glanced at each other as Nepeta skipped out after her sister. Kalvin pushed Karkat out of the bathroom and closed the door as the first chords of a symphony of screaming only Lilith could produce drifted through the now closed door. The two made it to the van where Meulin was waiting. “CAN I DRIVE!?” she begged, tears in her eyes.

          “No” She pouted, but Kalvin was adamant. “I like my life and I was _just_ in a car with Kurloz. There is no way you’re diving. Besides, you’ll turn too hard—unlike your car, mine doesn’t stick.” Meulin’s pout got worse but she obediently got in the back seat when the car was opened.

          “WHERE ARE KANKRI AND MOM?” She asked after a beat, and poked her head out of the car in order to see the response.

          “They’re on their way.” Kalvin assured her. “They just had to have a small chat beforehand.” Karkat and Nepeta had also gotten in the car. At her confused look, Karkat merely tapped his ear twice. It wasn’t real sign, but she got the indication and smiled widely. She reached over before Meulin could continue to question the man and typed out Morse code on her thigh. If Kalvin thought it strange that the 20 year old suddenly started giggling, he didn’t say anything. Lilith came out a few minutes later, a fully chastised Kankri being dragged by his ear. Karkat and Nepeta jumped to the third row seating as he was literally thrown into the back of the car, slamming into Meulin, who turned to glare at him. Lilith took her seat of honor in the passenger’s side. 

          “Let’s go honey” She smiled. Kalvin smirked and they left the driveway to massacre. As Kalvin turned up the drive to the church he was dragged down memory lane.

He remembered hiding in Graham’s basement. He remembered how relived Dottie was when they seemed hell bent on ‘staying out of trouble’, when they were only focused on making money. He’s a bit to blame for Sopor, he, Graham, and Siimon had worked hard to create it, Lilith had helped distribute. Dottie was _furious_ when she found out, but it had gotten them enough money for what they’d wanted—a headquarters for them to be able to work on plans that may or may not be completely legal. Kalvin had gotten taken away less than a year after they’d gotten it, but he’d remembered the building as if Graham’s announcement that he’d managed to get it was just yesterday. But a lot had changed in so little time. Graham had always been the worker bee. Kalvin had been the leader, Siimon the brain, and Lilith was always somehow able to get people onto their side without alerting anyone that might stop them. But Graham was the _backbone._ He was the one that managed to find the corruption at its source, organized the protest, find alibies to keep them out of jail a lot more than they should have been. He was always not only ten steps ahead, but taking a cat nap while the rest tried to play catch up. That being said, the last time Kalvin entered the warehouse, it was just that—an empty warehouse with too many chairs crammed in to really be comfortable. The last time he was there, there was a platform set up at the front of the too many crammed chairs and the two charismatic co—leaders would jump up and scream about well, different things. Kalvin was always talking, talking about what was wrong, who was the problem, what to attack. Kalvin was always moving, and trying to move people with him. Graham spoke on the opposite side of the spectrum, about how horrific the world was, how if anyone was stupid and slow life would drag them down with it. He spoke about finding joy in the little things, in a bag of stuff you managed to sneak from the cops, in the death of every unjust monster. The religion had started a few months before Kalvin left, high off their asses, Siimon had suddenly started crying. He claimed that they weren’t doing enough, that they’d never be good enough, not while the god called money continued to grab onto everyone’s mind. Before anyone knew it, Graham was an ordained minister, Kalvin and Lilith wrote the rulebooks, Siimon and his then girlfriend Regina poured over law books to get an iron clad documentation of religion. (It had helped that Regina’s mom was a lawyer) And the cops hadn’t liked that ‘religious immunity’ covered a good number of what they did. The religion also saved Kalvin’s life. Way back when, the paint covered every inch of skin. Turns out that the paint, unlike his clothing, wasn’t flammable.

But that was a _very_ long time ago, and Kalvin was in awe as he pulled into the driveway of what had to be the largest and most colorful building he’d ever seen.   The parking lot was packed, not with residents from the small town, but more because Graham ‘I never sleep’ Makara and Siimon ‘busiest bee you’ve ever seen’ Captor had managed to make it an international religion and people came from all over to see not only the flagship church, but also the ‘Mirthful Highblood’ himself. Kalvin was a bit curious about how Graham’s style had changed from when they were kids in his basement. The family parked and entered the church to find parishioners milling about. A few of them recognized Meulin and she waved at them while expertly running her family through them to the front. Strangely, Meulin had mentioned not repeating patterns, but there were a few people that had Kankri’s pattern on, plus a painting station near the front where they were doing the painting for miserable or horrified looking patrons. The inside of the building suffered the same color disease as Meulin’s room, only worse. The altar was the only thing colorless in the room, and it sat in the front and, Kalvin noticed, was partially made of the old cardboard soapboxes they had used. The thing Kalvin hadn’t noticed, was the dirty looks he and Lilith were getting. Karkat noticed people curling away from his parents like they were diseased, rather than mention he stepped closer to Nepeta.

          “Hey Nep, do you notice anything weird?”

          “Like how everyone hates our parents?” Karkat noticed. “I did, it might be something to do with the murals” Karkat looked up at the direction Meulin pointed. There was a large book that was opened to a patterned face; presumably the book was full of them. But that wasn’t what Nepeta was pointing at. Over the book, there were four large paintings. The paintings had no faces under them, just patterns on them. One of the patterns was instantly recognized as the one Graham wore constantly. Two of the other patterns were the ones their parents currently had on their face. The last pattern was a half blue and half red top, with a pure yellow bottom.

          “That’s weird. What is it?” Nepeta looked at him.

          “We have at least ten minutes before church starts, wanna go explore?” Karkat nodded, and with a muttered word to their parents, the two were off.

          “HEY LOOK OVER HERE SO YOU CAN STHALK STHO MMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” Lilith poked Meulin once, who turned her head to see Mituna coming at her at top speed. A few years ago, he and Latula were in competitive figure skating. They didn’t like it, but it had gotten them into competitive _skateboarding._ He always wore his skate gear to massacre to get it blessed weekly. According to him, it helped with the competitions, though they had never won one. Meulin opened her arms wide to accept the bumblebee themed skater/gamer combo of awesome.  

          “MITUNA—FISH! HOW ARE YOU BROTH—PURR?” He ducked his head in joy.

          “FUCK-FUCKSSSSSS, I’M FUCKING GREASTH! WHOOP WHOOP!” He was almost vibrating in his joy. “STHULIP CAME STHO CHURCH WISTHH ME!!!!!!!” Meulin’s eyes shot open. Mituna had the habit of signing whatever he said to her just in case his lisp was hard to read, but even though she had seen it twice with her own eyes

          “I DON’T BELIVE IT!” She gasped. Mituna nodded erratically, then ran away. He returned after a short moment, pulling along Latula. It was then that Meulin noticed the fact that their paint matched. “MOG!!!! THAT IS SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOO ADORBS!” Mituna grinned as widely as he could, Latula blushing behind him. The Gemini sign went down his face, cutting diagonally across from black to yellow. He still wore the signature shades—every Pyrope had red sunglasses for some odd reason. The sign seemed designed to frame the nose that could no longer smell. Mituna had always worn his boyfriend’s Libra sign, the arch going high on his forehead, his hair pulled back so that it could be seen and the bar going right under his eyes, all in the same teal—ish shade of Latula’s eyes. Captors were the only ones in the church that didn’t have white paint, Mituna a wore black and yellow checkerboard on his face, the only other color the star sign of his longtime lover.

          “Hi Latula” Kankri called out from behind his family. “You look lovely today…I mean, you look great everyday but…wow” He coughed. Kalvin left his eldest son to flounder as he went to beg Siimon to let them sit together (because as horrible an idea it was to have Kurloz, Gamzee, Damara, Mituna, and Meulin near each other, it was a _worse_ idea to have Kankri not be distracted by Latula and giving a running commentary on everything.) Latula blushed a bit at Kankri, not a good blush mind you; he found the other boy more than a little bit creepy.

          “Hi Kankri, I didn’t know you attended massacre” Lilith saw the other children coming and went to keep them away. Now that Terezi wasn’t there, Karkat actually wanted see the conclusion of this beautiful train wreck—it was something he could record and give to Aradia as a birthday gift. The Death of Kankri, hell—he might keep a copy.

          “I don’t” Kankri scowled. “I was dragged here against my will. As I assume you were as well, imagine a bright and charming young lady attending…this pit of depravity” Latula only got more uncomfortable. Luckily, his boyfriend was there to save him.

          “SSTHOP DOING STHHASTH ASS! YOU KNOW LATULA’S A FUCK—FUCK I DONSTH UNDERSSTHAND!!!! BOY, EVERYONE KNOWS! YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY FUCK ASS SHISTH, FEFERI’S A BOY!” Kankri glared.

          “Fef _ran_ is a boy, Latula is a girl and this asinine religion is why everyone’s getting so confused about what they should be!” Contrary to what _anyone_ thought Mituna would do, he began laughing hysterically.

          “STHHASTHS PERFECSTH! STHHASHS HILARIOUS FUCK SHISTHS DOUCHE STHRIES STHO PROVE HE’S NOSTH GAY BY CRUSHING ON A GUY!” Kankri’s bright red face could be seen even under the paint.

          “LATULA IS NOT A GUY YOU MENTALLY RETARDED FUCK NUGGET SHE’S BEING CONFUSED AND BROKEN BY PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO YOUR DUMB ASS AND THIS RIDICULOUS LAUGHINGSTOCK OF A RELIGION! IF I WASN’T A PACIFIST I’D TAKE YOUR FUCKING HEAD AND—”

          “KANKRI” Kankri flinched throughout his entire body and froze as his livid father’s voice cut over his anger filled ravings. It was only then that he noticed that the bustling church full of overly loud miracle worshipers was deathly quiet. He dragged his burning face up to where his father,Siimon Captor, and _Regina Pyrope_ were all glaring at him. In a small dead part of his mind he remembered that his father invited the entire parish to come to this particular sermon. He then felt a presence behind him, something that sent a shiver down his spine, though he didn’t know why. He turned in fear to see all three Makaras leering down at him. He had never before paid any attention to the paint the three of them donned daily. Right now, he wished he had,  because he was trying, and failing, to convince himself that the paintings in front of him weren’t absolutely—shit your pants and don’t care ‘cause the less weight the faster you can run—terrifying.

          “Now all up and listen to this BLASPHEMOUS little mouth all up in my MOTHERFUCKING CHURCH!!!!” It was then that he realized the widow rattling roar Graham had given before was most likely the man trying to be quiet. “HERE YOU STAND” He continued, mostly to Kankri but inclusive of the still—silent as a grave—church “BATHED IN THE PAINT OF A SINNER. You know what your sin was? Uncreatively. Been drowned all up in that blinding white light you call truth, guess what motherfucker? TRUTH AINT BLIND! You see shit, you decide whether to accept it or not, but you gotta be REAL MOTHERFUCKING CAREFUL. If you listening to shit and it’s draining your mind of all the colors than you know you aint listening right.” Graham circled him, Kurloz and Gamzee staying their ground and making it so that a creepy double grin was all Kankri could focus on while the hulking mass of a man sized him up. He didn’t notice that Kurloz was the acting translator for the deaf, signing like his life depended on it. Graham spoke again, but it wasn’t to him. “Kalvin, Lilith. My INVERTA-BROTHERS LET ME BE THE FIRST TO CLAIM THAT MIRACLES ARE PRESENT IN THIS ROOM! You have heard the words of your Highblood, listened to the meditations of your Psionic, and if you have been here long enough, you have even seen the mighty Disciple drag the nature of miracles out of the very air. NONE OF YOU HAVE SEEN IN ACTION THE SIGNLESS.” The once silent church erupted into whispers at that. Graham allowed it for a moment before glancing at Gamzee. Kurloz would have been better, but the sun was still in the sky, so it was Gamzee that inhaled into his toes and let out a honk that seemed to shake the foundations of the building. Once everyone was quiet, Graham continued. “You have never seen in action the Signless, who was able to rip away the light and allow the truth to be seen. But HOW COULD YOU ALL, UP AND JUDGING BEFORE YOU KNOW! I have been lurking, up and motherfucking spying on my congregation. They treat my long lost mission brother like a MOTHERFUCKING SINNER because they got too much light in their eyes. They treat the sister they should remember LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING LEPER! KNEEL MOTHFUCKERS IN AWE OF THE MIRICALE OF TODAY! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST 20 YEARS, THE FOUR TRUTH SPEAKERS ARE HERE TODAY!” Everyone obeyed him; bowing down to the ‘truth speaker’ they were closest to, recognizable by their paint. It happened that Kalvin, Lilith, Siimon, Graham, and Kankri were the only ones standing. (Lilith had practically thrown Karkat and Nepeta down in an effort to spare them from Graham’s wrath.)


	14. Massacre (part three)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I really did mean to write out all massacre. I just...couldn't do it. I'm a failure. Three chapters for massacre and I can't even write it out fully. I'm such a fucking sham of a writer. The whole of massacre should have been one chapter, and it was split into three and still didn't hit the damn massacre. Bah, Meet Rose, the whole reason we did massacre in the first place.

Kalvin was currently counting backwards from 100 in his mind. He was trying for the calmness to be able to save his son from the infamous Makara rage, but it didn’t seem to be there.  As a junior preacher, Kankri was able to do a ‘segment’ in church every week. Mostly his segments were about how people could learn from looking at the less fortunate and should walk on eggshells rather than have an opinion that could possibly be offensive to someone with a hairline trigger. This morning, he’d ranted on the foolhardiness of fake religions, and how everyone that didn’t follow the bible to the letter was going to burn in Hell. He glanced over to Siimon, who shrugged at him. He swiveled his head to look at Lilith, her foot was actually _on_ Karkat’s back to keep him from rising. Kankri was standing, and Kalvin had to _try_ and remember the last time he’d seen Graham quite that angry. He was drawing a blank. The larger man began to laugh. Kankri resisted the impressive urge to kneel, and the even harsher urge to run and never look back. He stood his ground, though he did start trembling. Graham bent right down and got in his face, he could smell the weed on the other man’s breath.

          “Look at you, all trying to be up and motherfucking _brave._ You think I can’t see you? I SEE YOUR TRUTH. So scared to be himself this motherfucker SHAKES IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING SKIN AT THE SIGHT OF SELF ASSURANCE!” He then reached out and made to grab Kankri by his neck. At the motion Kankri cracked, he screamed in fright and fell to the floor. Graham threw back his head and laughed again. “NOT SO MOTHERFUCKING BRAVE NOW ARE YOU? Is that your game? Act brave for show? Poor motherfucker. I coulda told you, it’s all up in your eyes to get SUBJUGATED!” Graham turned with grin. “RISE MY MIRTHFUL BROTHERS AND SISTERS! SEE WITH YOUR OWN EYES THE SUBGUGATION OF THOSE THAT REQUIRE IT. THIS POOR MOTHERFUCKER UP AND NEEDED TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO. Rather than up and learn truths for himself, he allows others to poison his mind, until all he sees, are blinding white lies. He does not know any better, so he calls lies beautiful truths and allow them to strip him of all creativity. See here, the shell of a boy that used to exist.” By this point, everyone _except_ Kankri was standing again, and the regular followers of the religion were glaring at him. “With this sad ass brother, we have two options. Hate, or pity. We can hate him for the vitriol he spews, for his ignorance. Why JUST THIS MORNING I WAS THE SUBJECT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKERS HATE! He follows the Messiahs without knowing it, the best joke this motherfucker will do is go out and manage to cause the deaths of millions. Look at what he preaches. THE SAME MOTHERFUCKIN SHIT THAT CAUSES WARS! The same motherfuckin shit that causes FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. Look at the Messiahs laughing at his ass as he spreads hateful words to condemn those different than he is. LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKER CONDEMING HIMSELF! I have read the book he has not. I HAVE READ THE WORDS HE REPEATS WITHOUT CONTEXT. He has impaled himself on his own sword of words, just by his clothes—FUCK, BY BEING BORN YOU CAN SEE HIS CONDEMNATION. HIS OWN MIND DOES NOT ACCEPT HIM, look at him, with demon red eyes and skin paler then snow. I’d call that a MOTHERFUCKING MIRICALE! But he does not. So we pity this motherfucker. PITY HIM UNTIL HE IS CURED OF HIS BLINDNESS AND CAN ONCE AGAIN SEE THE MIRICALES OF THE WORLD. PITY THE UNCREATIVE, BUT HATE THOSE BITCHES TOO!” While he was speaking, Graham had been going steadily closer to the front of the church flanked by his charges, until—by the end of his speech, he stood behind the altar. “We ask for art, to see you express yourselves. TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TAKEN IN BY SO MANY LIES THAT YOUR VISION IS GONE. I bet that poor pathetic motherfucker aint never done a single piece. I BET THAT SAD ASS DONE AND GOT SOMEONE ELSE TO CONTRIBUTE FOR HIM! My Mirthful brothers and sisters, don’t do that shit. THE ONLY ART YOU SHOULDN’T CREATE IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE HELPED WITH BECAUSE YOU DID NOT THINK YOUR CREATIVITY COULD BE EMBODIED BY YOUR OWN MIND. Even then, your art must always be done by someone that understands you at the deepest of levels.” Graham glared at the congregation, before he took another deep breath. “THIS IS WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN BY THE UNCLOUDED EYES OF TRUTH! LET THE CHUCH SAY WHOOP WHOOP” The entire Congregation repeated the call, and sat—mostly in the isles as they conversed about the first lesson given to them. Kalvin went to collect Kankri before he honestly pissed himself. Gamzee came to commandeer Kalvin.

          “Signless” Kalvin rolled his eyes. “I haven’t gone by that in years, besides you _know_ me Gamzee. You were at my house last week. Do you call your uncle ‘Highblood’?” Gamzee nodded

          “In church yeah. Highblood requested you” Kalvin rose his eyebrows, but started to bring Kankri along until Gamzee stopped him. “Nah, not the Hypocrite—assed brother, just you. By the altar. He told me to take the heresy spittin motherfucker and up and place him smack dap with some true ass motherfuckers to try and all up and fix his eyes.” Gamzee smiled at that and actually grabbed Kankri, who started trembling away from his father. Kalvin weighed the options in his mind for a moment, before realizing that massacre was a _lot_ longer than mass and that Kankri was probably going to make an example of himself again. That being said, it was probably a good idea to make sure the other man wasn’t angry. Kankri felt his knees buckle as his father left him in the (less than) capable hands of the youngest Makara. Gamzee led him to the front of the church as well and he was placed near Damara, who was in his basic theology class, though she was learning how to go into _this_ church. Kankri didn’t really talk to her that much, but her paint (a line of deep red kanji down the left side of her face, black on her eyelids and lips and a red slash across her face just lighter than the kanji. It almost looked like someone had slit her mouth open to provide a permanent smile) was mildly upsetting as she sent him a not so nice smile. She spoke to him, a litany of Japanese he only frowned and blinked at, which made her grin harder. Whatever it was, it made Sollux start laughing next to her.

          “I…I’m very sorry, but I don’t understand you. I don’t see why you can’t learn English—you’ve been here long enough and even your illegal guardian has managed some loose grasp of the language, and at the moment I’m very concerned with your studies as you must not be able to understand the professor. I also wonder why you are currently attending…” The last time he insulted the church it came crashing down around him. “This, as you are no doubt wondering what Mr. Makara is saying.

          “Highblood” Kankri was stopped by Damara’s random interruption. She was not smiling at him anymore, she was glaring and he could almost swear her brown eyes were red with the blood she wanted to shed. “His title” She continued in perfect English. “Is Highblood, and you may hate the religion outside. But while you are _in_ church, you will respect him and his title. Or I will paint these walls with your blood.” Somehow, the tone of voice and her still unsmiling face told him she was serious. She wasn’t threatening, she was _promising._ “Highblood” She repeated. “Say it.” Her gaze was doing odd things to him, the normally verbose boy couldn’t think of a single thing to say, nor could he catch his breath. She remained hyper focused on him, and started growling lowly. “SAY IT”

          “H—H—Highblood” He choked out. Damara smirked at him, then patted his head.

          “Good boy” She resumed smiling and turned around to speak to Sollux in Japanese, Haruko butt into the conversation often. Kankri stared at them for a moment, until his attention was pulled away again, this time by a tap on the shoulder. He turned to see Kurloz, again with the stiches in his mouth. The (provisional) mime made a sign at him, which he blinked at. Damara poked him, which caused him to turn to her again, in her hands were a stack of papers, presumably artwork. He took them from her, and handed them to Kurloz, whom raised a pieced eyebrow at him.

          “Lilith has my piece of art I believe” Kurloz raised his other eyebrow, but nodded indulgently once. He signed something else at him before he went to finish collecting. Sollux poked out from behind Damara, his paint completely blue around his red eye, and completely red around the blue one before the black Gemini sign cut through the yellow of the rest of his face.

          “Wow, you’re not jutht blind, you’re deaf too. I never would have thought.” Kankri turned bright red at that, so bright that it could be seen clearly through his paint.

          “I am neither blind nor deaf. Meulin is deaf, that’s what deaf looks like, and she would be very incensed to hear you depreciating her condition by throwing the word deaf around like it’s simply a state of—”

          “Don’t bother Sollux” Aradia shushed him. Though Kankri didn’t see her paint, he saw her hand tug at the shoulder of Sollux’s red and blue suit jacket to pull him back. “He’s deaf blind and mute. He may as well be dead…then again, people might care a bit more if he were dead.” Sollux retreated back to his sister, yellow tie fluttering along behind him. Kankri growled lowly in his throat. He heard his name filter in along whatever Damara said, and it caused the three sitting next to him (he’d lost track of Latula and Mituna by extension) to laugh. Once the artwork was collected, Kurloz sat down next to him.

          “Aren’t you translating?” He asked the boy next to him, partially because he did _not_ want to be seated near him. Kurloz raised an eyebrow and smirked at him, before pointing to a teleprompter near the ceiling. He signed something else at him and Kankri frowned. “Why do you insist on doing that when you know I don’t read sign?” Kurloz smirked at him again. He could _almost_ hear the condescending comment Kurloz was thinking at him. He signed something else in answer. Kankri groaned at him while Kurloz gave a full smile, ‘Highblood’ started to talk again.

 

The massacre takes about four hours. There are several segments to it and after each segment there is about ten minutes in which people talk about what happened and decompress. Some of the segments feature: with a sharing of miracles experienced throughout the week, apparently physical therapy is helping and Tavros is walking around a bit better, though he’ll still need his chair for a while, Equius and Horuss had done something to his legs. The people who have on a pattern for the first time go up to get blessed, and Lilith helps them record it in the book, losing what little grudging respect Kankri had for her. They lit ‘incense’ sometime, it wasn’t weed, but it didn’t smell like any incense Kankri had smelled before. He wondered how Latula was, and made a note to write a lecture when he got home about the use of smells to enhance an event without care to those who couldn’t smell. There was a segment where you were to get up (if needed) and find someone you hadn’t kissed in at least two years before for a kiss that lasted at least 30 seconds. (Something about forming bonds with people and making sure bonds were never truly broken) Kankri had been upset at his parents (Lilith kissed Siimon and Kalvin kissed Graham) but he only had a moment to be before Kurloz pulled him in for a kiss. After that he’d been thoroughly confused, because Kurloz’s lips were stitched and even if he had hallucinated the tongue in his mouth, he’d needed to give the other boy back his tongue ring. Kurloz had smirked and waggled his eyebrows at that. Siimon led them in a meditation of recognizing miracles. Kankri had believed it to be pure poppycock, but he was honestly terrified sitting in between Damara and Kurloz, both of them looked at him periodically to make sure that he was paying attention and following along. It was probably the smoke that did it, but he was able to see red at the tips of his vision by the end of it. Then again, he could be seeing red from sitting through this nonsensical mess. Lilith was made to do a segment on the hidden meanings in art, how your emotions managed to slice through even if you were trying to keep them out of it and how to speak with your artwork. Just when Kankri couldn’t get any more upset, Kalvin did a segment. In true Kalvin fashion, it was a segment about doing only what you truly believed was the right, and not what someone else told you was correct. He spoke about being true to yourself and listing for the voice that told you what you truly felt. He ended by stating that by listing to yourself and not others, you lessened the ability to be hypocritical through your actions because you had stopped being hypocritical to your thoughts. Kankri and his father were glaring at each other by the end of his speech. Kurloz signing something in front of his face snapped him out of it, otherwise he’d have jumped up and asked about following your heart to protest when you had responsibilities at home. Though during the decompression time, Sollux managed to pry out of him that he was pissed, luckily the next segment started before they could work any harder to find the source of his aggression. The paintings were blessed, and Meulin herself selected one from the pile to be later painted on the walls, which was a moot point as the walls were so full of paint that one would never be able to figure out which picture had been selected. When massacre finally (blessedly) ended, Kankri was hoping to be released; the messiahs were laughing at him from afar.

          “MOM DAD, Can Dave and Rose come o—fur tonight?” A pair of children were trailing after her. They were in matching dresses, black and purple with purple stitching down the skirt. Rose had blonde hair and dark skin behind her paint—a purple octopus around her left eye and a sun around her right one with black lipstick. The other had eyes as red as the Vantas’ own. His eyes were also framed by a black bar that went off the sides of his face and into white hair. He had bright red roman numerals up to twelve spread out on his face as if he were a clock. Kankri spluttered at the boy.  He opened his mouth, when the voice of Regina Pyrope interrupted him.

          “Really Kankri? You _just_ got in trouble for misgendering. Are you really going to do it again?” Luckily, Dave saved him.

          “I am a boy. I lost a bet” He glared at Rose, who giggled. “Seriously though dude, as funny as that was, it was really uncalled for.” Kankri glared at the boy, who just smirked cheekily. He looked over to Rose. “Massacre is over, I attended, I even got my paint signed up. Now can I take it off?” Rose pouted at him.

          “You have to take it off the proper way, or I’ll never let you borrow another dress” He sighed deeply.

          “The things I do for irony.”

          “You _really_ don’t know the meaning of that word. And you rip them all.” He winced, but didn’t argue the point.


	15. Pizza time

Dave and Rose had to go home, but Kankri grumbled enough that they all went to dinner…by all, the Vantas-Leijon, Makara, and Captor-Megido families (with the exception of Mituna and Latula) went to the pizza place. Meulin had panicked a bit at the thought of eating right after massacre, but Graham had assured her it was alright this once, and Kankri was downright insufferable when he was hungry…which was actually often. So the 14 of them sat down. Their server seemed to recognize Gamzee and Karkat, and so was very respectful and quick to take orders…if not a bit (lot) frightened. Someone suggested going around the table to ask how that particular massacre had gone.

          “What do you think?” Sollux scoffed, “awethome ath alwayth…though the new thectionth were interethting. I never thought of artwork that way” Kalvin tapped Lilith, before pointing to Sollux. She tilted her head in order to hear him better. “Your thegment wath nice, I mean….I knew art wath an integral part of the religion…jutht not why. It’th the only thing you can do that you can’t hide behind.” Lilith nodded. “That’th cool to think about. I mean, I make all my art digitally. Doeth the rule thill apply?” Lilith nodded.

          “Have you ever worked on anything and you get the same general picture until, _finally_ you do something different and you tilt your head and the original is hidden there?” Sollux nodded. Lilith raised an eyebrow. “It doesn’t always happen, but when you’re angry, no matter what you do, your artwork will seem angry. And it’s not just anger, all emotions, sad, devastated, happy—a lot of Meu’s artwork seems happy at first glance, but if you look at it harder it’s got a lot of isolation, it’s very lon—”

          “I LOVED IT!” Meulin interrupted loudly, she was actually right next to Lilith, so she was loud enough to startle her mother back into an upright position while she cradled her ear. “IT WAS SSSOOO GOOD! PAW—SITIVELY WONDER—FUR” She grinned so hard her face seemed like it would split. She sent a little nod to Kurloz, who put his hand back under the table, though Siimon scowled at him.

          “Ihh thaw sthhasth.” He muttered. The statement caused all the adults to look around, but Kurloz didn’t look guilty, and none of the kids knew what was being talked about. Siimon sighed and shook his head. “Whasth dihhd you sthhihhk of sthhe new thegmensthth Kurloz?”

**_ Excellent my brother. I am all up and counting my motherfucking blessings that I’ve been honored by seeing the miracles of all four truth speakers in one glorious massacre. Whoop whoop _ **

 Everyone except the Vantas’, Nepeta, and Lilith repeated the phrase loudly. Kankri just bristled

          “For crying out loud, we just got out of that…that…horrifying ordeal. We can’t even eat in polite company.” Kalvin kicked his son under the table. Kankri winced. “I apologize, I am hungry. Kurloz” The mine turned all of his attention to the other boy. “If I may ask, why are you keeping up with your blashemo—OW” Kalvin had kicked him again. “With a vow that seems to mean a lot to you, even though I personally think its poppycock, this late at night? The sun set several hours ago. You’ve passed being devoted to your make believe Marijuana gods a while ago and now you’re teetering on utterly ridiculous even for you.” Kurloz simply gave another one of his ‘not nice’ smiles.

**_ Number one, where the fuck do you see something to rip the stiches outta my mouth, two you true dumbass—I think your religions a piece of shit too. I leave your damn celibacy vow alone. But not anymore mother fucker. I swear to you on this day I will back your ass up in every corner and find you to phone Cronus’ thirsty ass and tell him where you are. _ **

          “I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU! HALF THE PEOPLE AT THE GOD DAMN TABLE CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU! YOU ARE BEING RUDE AT THIS POINT” Kankri exploded. He didn’t notice Kalvin’s scowl, or Meulin reaching over to stop her step father from saying anything. He noticed Nepeta whispering franticly to Karkat, but was so angry he didn’t notice his brother turn bright red.

          “You’re the only one here that doesn’t understand him.” Aradia chimed in softly. “Of those at this table, either they read sign or they can hear. You’re the only deaf one here” He turned on her then, face red.

          “I AM NOT DEAF” He screamed as loudly as he could, making quite a few heads swivel (once they saw the face paint, most people turned back around). Aradia stared at Kankri carefully. Kankri felt a shiver go down his spine at her face. She had a deep red around the outline of the white skull. It was almost reminiscent of Kurloz, save for the burgundy designs of stylized flowers on the inside by her eyes. She smiled, and somehow made it as creepy as one a Makara would.

          “You’re blind too. You can’t see yourself, let alone your deafness. It’s not your fault—you were never able to hear yourself” Kankri stared in open mouthed horror at the girl.

          “Aradia, stop scaring the boy” Haruko smiled at her youngest (by two minutes apparently) cousin. Kankri couldn’t stop gasping as her gaze left him with a deep scratch somewhere by his heart. That girl was _creepy_. “Here you go Kurloz” Haruko added as she handed the other boy a pair of stitch cutters. He nodded gratefully before going to cut his stiches and pull the thread from between his piecing holes.

          “Thank you for that sister” He said, his voice deeper than anyone would think and raspy from the day of disuse. He coughed once, and took a sip of his water. “Been worshipin real damn hard, still got half a month to go.” She nodded sympathetically.

          “The hardest lesson is one that disguises itself as simple.” He nodded.

          “Tell me about it. How was your speech fast?” She shuddered once and looked away.

          “It lasted two and a half years” He winced. His was going on a year now, everyone started off at a month, however each infraction added anywhere from a week to another month.

          “Not looking forward to that” Sollux grumbled.

          “You know, Christianity doesn’t have any ridiculous rules like that. Also, It allows you into the kingdom of heaven, which is more than I can say for—OW” Kalvin, when kicking him had tapped lightly enough at his shin, meant to warn him off. Meulin however, had ducked half of her body down to give him a well-placed kick to the groin. She didn’t just want to hurt him, she wanted to end his chances of reproduction.

          “Think I’m not gonna keep my promise. Motherfucker best make yourself scarce from me.”

          “Kurloz” Kalvin glared.

          “Glare all you want, Imma loosen him up or make him so tight he brakes.” Kankri turned to say something else to the other boy when Karkat decided to save his brother (as he, unlike his father, had nothing but faith the Kurloz would do as he promised on the table itself)

          “MASSACRE WAS COOL, I mean—I’m not going again, that’s obvious, but it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it was. Like, I won’t go of my own volition, but if Meulin wanted to drag me out with her I wouldn’t bite her. I mean, Sol and Gam go, so it’s not like I have anything better to do then. I’m just not good at art.” Karkat said this without the full repercussions of Gamzee sitting next to him. The older clown grabbed him and hugged him so tightly it could only be considered a glomp.

“Fuckin bitchtits bro! I gotta ask Cheatah—sis to bring you over more often. I’ll all up and teach you to finger paint according to the miricales you see. YO! Not mindin is the first step to being a full member!” Karkat groaned

          “I have ne—fur regreted anything more.”

          “Ne—fur?” Nepeta asked. Karkat turned red in Gamzee’s grasp (Gamzee was still rambling about how ‘fucking bitchtits’it was that he didn’t hate church.

          “I live with you and Meulin, leave me alone” She smiled, then waved to get the attention of the sister sitting across from her.

          “I agree with kar—kitty. It was more fun than I thought. I’m not converting or anything, but I’ll go with you sometimes” Meulin’s smile could slit her face in two.

          “I’M SO HAPPY! I JUST…NO…I CAN’T JUST…I CAN’T I JUST...” She screamed loudly enough to cause a reaction from her other, even though she was on the deaf side. Kurloz laughed at her, then waved to get her attention. The two began to sign to each other happily.

          “Are you satisfied? Now you only have one child whose not going directly to Hell”

          “Please take him to your mother” Lilith sighed. Kalvin nodded.

          “He’s going tomorrow” Kalvin confirmed, sounding just a bit defeated. Kankri gaped at his father.

          “REALLY! You’re going to just allow Lilith to tell you what to do!” Karkat’s eyes widened, and he pulled Gamzee away from his brother.  The pulled Gamzee, Karkat himself, and Nepeta on his other side all tried to force themselves into the space Kurloz was currently occupying. He was confused, but squished into Haruko to try and ease their fears. “Need I remind you that Lilith is the name of the first demon, another woman that tried to order around a man, she at least was punished rather than obeyed and I have no doubt that this is her reincarnated form as need I remind you when the two of you first got together she was in this Satan worshiping rainbow colored nightmare. And now you just go along with her orders like noth—” Kalvin lunged across the table in one smooth motion, his fingers were wrapped around Kankri’s throat. Kalvin’s eyes glowed like embers, and Karkat just coved his eyes and got small in a practiced motion.

          “KAVLIN” There were three people franticly shouting his name. Lilith was actually clawing at his arm, Siimon was on Kankri’s other side and trying to rip the fingers away from the too thin throat, Graham was squeezing at his shoulders, trying to actually shake him out of it. He was the one who had the bright idea to let go, grab the pitcher filled with ice water, and turn it over his head. Kalvin seemed to wake up. He took a few deep breaths, before releasing Kankri to gasp.

          “I’m very sorry” He said quickly, gasping a bit like his son. “I shouldn’t have done that and if you wish to return to church camp next summer, you may do so. Far away from me.” Kankri looked up at his father.

          “Next summer?”

          “Yes, you are going to be punished for the words you have said against your _mother.”_ Kankri’s face twitched a bit, before he turned to Meulin.

          “Sorry mom” Lilith sighed, it happened often that Kankri said exactly what he thought of her.

          “Do you feel safe in a house with me?” Kalvin asked at once, still not trusting himself to look his son in the face. Kankri nodded, then vocally affirmed for his father’s benefit. “Karkat?” Karkat also answered the affirmative. Nepeta and Meulin were also fine with him. He took a few deep breaths, then spoke again. “Graham.” The other man looked over at him. “I need a favor”

          “Anything brother” Kalvin laughed mirthlessly.

          “You haven’t heard it yet” Graham repeated that it was no problem.

          “Can you let Kankri work in the church this Summer” Kankri himself lost what little color he had as Kurloz turned to him with the largest smile that ever existed. “I’m hoping it’ll teach him some tolerance” Kalvin explained. Graham smirked at Kankri. He opened his mouth to reply when Damara cut him off.

          “NO! He’ll _RUIN_ the church!”

          “YES!” Kankri was the first to agree with her there.

          “HE has no eye for color, he’s stupid about what we stand for, he is deaf, blind, and mute! DON’T DO THIS” Kankri continued to agree with Damara happily, if he was at all attracted to her and she wasn’t a hell bound sinner, he could have kissed her. Unfortunately for Kankri, Damara was not mute, nor was Graham deaf. He held up a hand to stop her ‘protests’ in her throat.

          “She brings up a good point Kal.” Kalvin groaned once. “But you know me, I like deals. I’ll do a deal for you if you do something for me” Kalvin blinked twice, then glared at Graham.

          “You want me and Lilith to come by every massacre of the summer and speak.” Graham smirked.

          “So a motherfucker’s only half deaf.”

          “No, I heard it all. I just…stupidly took Damara at face value. She must have really appreciated mass.”

 

          “Your segment against hypocrisy was well needed and should be recited in every church. I believe people are so focused on finding miracles they refuse to put any effort into them themselves. I know you used to protest, and you didn’t seak at all about what made you know it was the right thing, or how the Messiahs guided you back here. You seemed to have a lot more to say before it ended. That, and you seem more in your element then in your church. There you often pause to remember exactly what lessons you’re _supposed_ to be imparting on the masses. You’re a very different person when talking about something you care about.” Kalvin smiled at her. “I’d like to know more about you in detail” The smile turned into a smirk.

          “That is very kind of you, but I’m not deaf” She smirked through her pout.

          “Worth a try” Graham smirked.

          “This motherfucker here’s a king at hearing after his fast. Got the longest fast on record. Five Mother Fuckin years” Kalvin sighed. “And then each infraction was only an extra day, felt bad for a lil kid, not all up and listenin.” Kalvin smirked.  “We got a deal?” Kalvin looked over at Lilith, she smirked and nodded.

          “You have two volunteer preachers for the summer” Kalvin promised. Graham pulled him in for a kiss, then Lilith and he kissed over Kalvin. Kalvin smirked slightly.

          “NO” Lilith said suddenly. Kalvin blinked once and sent her a confused look. She scoffed. “This is the only time I’m not half deaf” Kalvin looked away, his face burning red through the half dripped off paint. The pizza was delivered, and the inhabitants of the table fell upon it. All except Aradia.

          “Surprising” Aradia said at once. Everyone stared at her. “I’ve been to church before. I’ve also been to massacre before…mostly because for some _odd_ reason, no one wants to leave me alone with knives. But I never cared before. I’ve been to sermons from México to here. I’ve been to self-help seminars and tried to hypnotize myself. I just…don’t care…about anything. Anything but ancestors I never knew and a brother I only get along with half the time. I sit in my room wishing for funerals to try and re-create someone’s life from the ground up. I never know what to feel. Today…with all of you…it felt…it felt like Día de Muertos. I felt…happy.” She looked down the table then, her dark lashes framing her reddish brown eyes. “If you guys stay together, I will most definitely never miss a massacre ever again.”


	16. Maryam Moments

The next day found Kankri and Nepeta at their grandmother’s house and bored. Well, Kankri was bored. He was sitting in the kitchen as his grandmother had her twice monthly meeting with Nepeta. He grumbled as he halfheartedly shoved a cookie between his lips. Meulin had come in for her session and he’d been dragged along. He was hoping that his father would’ve come to his senses at some point, but no dice.  

          “What did the cookie do to you Kankri?” His aunt’s voice drifted over to him. He lifted his to glare at her. The young woman was leaning against the doorframe smirking slightly. Kankri glared at her, but when she raised an eyebrow he sighed. She walked over to him, her heals clicking on the floor. “Would you like some milk to go with it?” Kankri’s face involuntary twitched in disgust. Even _if_ he’d liked milk before, the incident with the Zahhaks had put him off to it even more.

          “Kankri doesn’t have milk” The voice glided in seconds before the other woman. “He takes green tea. Also, mother is ready for you” Porrim smirked at him as he sighed once and lifted out of his seat. Kanaya blinked as he left the room.

          “What’s the matter with him?” She asked her adoptive sister. Porrim shrugged.

          “Something that caused them to think he needed mom to shrink for him” The twenty five year old sighed. “I hope it’s not something that’s going to make her get another one of us.”

          “Hey!” Kanaya pouted. Porrim blushed a bit and looked at her fifteen year old sister.

          “I didn’t mean it _that_ way. But I mean, look at it. She has Kalvin, he gets taken away—she picks me up. Kankri came over and I thought she was alright, but then he left and she got you. I thought for _sure_ she was going to get another one when I left home” Porrim sighed as she walked over to the plate of cookies Kankri had vacated.

          “To be honest, you didn’t really move out. She guiltted you into co owning that art gallery with her. And then she refuses to let you live in the attic of your tattoo shop.”

          “I SLEEP HERE LESS THAN TWICE A WEEK I AM MOVED OUT.” Kanaya stifled a giggle, but retrieved the milk she’d been going for and reached a pair of glasses before walking over to her sister. As they ate their cookies they seemed to communicate nonverbally, a question in the arch of one of Kanaya’s dark Grecian eyebrow, answered by a quick of lips and a nudge from a Hindi covered arm.

          “She didn’t call me” Kankri sounded confused as he reentered the room. Both heads of dark hair turned to him with matching smirks. It was then that he noticed that the plate of cookies was half gone. “Oh…REALLY GIRLS” Kanaya giggled to herself as Porrim sat up a bit taller.

          “What, upset that you were outwitted by a pair of woman?” At his glare, her face morphed into a scowl of disproval. “After all it was your view on women that got you into this situation.” He groaned. “Are you denying that you implied that your stepmother was a demon unworthy of having her feelings considered?”

          “Did she tell you that!” Porrim stared him down. Kanaya reached for another cookie as she watched the fight between pseudo siblings.  “Look, I have nothing against woman. I don’t know how many times I’ve got to say that. There is nothing against women, _that particular woman_ is a demon a…a Succubus!”

          “A succubus Kankri? Is that really what you’re going with?”

          “SHE IS!” Kankri spluttered. “She controls his mind and now she’s managed to turn all but one of his children away from the truth and into the arms of Satan himself. She uses…those horrible acts and he just listens to her.” Porrim blinked at that.

          “Are you talking about sex?” Kankri flinched while his hand went to instinctively grope at where his whistle was before Porrim herself ripped it off in a fit of rage. His face was bright red and he seemed to be having issues breathing. “What now the bible says I can’t say sex?” He seemed to get worse. “That’s bullshit. I can’t talk about sex!” She sighed. “Well, I wouldn’t want to trigger you” She said suddenly. He calmed down and smiled.

          “T…th…thank you for that Porrim” He didn’t notice the conversation that went on between the two Maryam girls, didn’t see the upwards twitch on Porrim’s mouth. He didn’t see Kanaya arch a single graceful eyebrow into the wavy bangs of her thick hair.

          “I just have to ask something” Porrim confessed. Kankri, the poor boy who had never learned not to take his pseudo sister at face value ever, smiled at the thought of imparting information. “If I’m not allowed to talk about sex, can I talk about fucking?” He lost his air then, gasping a bit. “’Cause I _love_ fucking like let me tell you now, I almost joined the mirthful messiahs just to be a prosta—nun cause those wonderful ladies are perfectly free in their sexuality. That has to be glorious, not having anyone judge you because you’re doing your lords work. I mean, I wouldn’t do it because I don’t actually follow the religion but it’s a very good idea, don’t you think?”

          “No!” He snapped. “Women shouldn’t be doing any of that. They are to remain pure until marriage; it’s what the good book says.”

          “That ‘good book’ also talks about selling your daughter!”

          “Come now, it was written hundreds of years ago. A few of the details have been altered.”

          “But you still think women shouldn’t have sex until marriage” he nodded. “And if she’s raped what—the rapist marries her and gives her father fifty pieces of silver?” He groaned.

          “That is completely not the point. You’re morphing around my words again” Porrim nodded.

          “Then Kankri, you tell me—what if a woman gets raped. Is she only as important as her virginity?” She crossed her arms in front of her. He knew from memory that the phrase on her arm was ‘I am not a bitch, I am a woman, and I will not back down!’. He sighed.

          “I don’t know why you’re acting like this. I checked my calendar on the way over. You are not scheduled for the…unfortunate loss of your higher brain functions due to hormone imbalance that you, as all women, are subjected to monthly, but never let it be said that I cannot hold up my ideas to a hypothetical circumstance.”

          “What?” Porrim growled. Kankri looked up at her, then bit his lip. He opened his mouth again as Kanaya got some of the kettle corn she’d gotten early in the morning upon hearing that Kankri was coming over.  

          “I don’t mean to offend you, but statistically the chance of a virgin getting raped is pretty astronomical. Most raped are committed on women who are irresponsibly partying or false reports set by conniving exes” Kanaya managed to get down so that only a sixteenth of her entire bag of popcorn was left as the familiar argument went off in front of her. It never failed to astound her how not only Kankri managed to keep digging himself deeper, but how he managed to do it on so many different _subjects_. The argument moved from victim blaming, to actual rape statistics, to sexuality, to expressing yourself in general. His ‘power phrase’ of the day seemed to be ‘I don’t mean to call a woman such as any in your position a whore, but you have to look at the facts’. Dottie and Nepeta came into the room, walked around the argument, and managed to get to the table. Kanaya wordlessly handed Nepeta the rest of the cookies. Her mother glared at her.

          “Kanaya?” The teen grunted in response as she stared at the show. “Why didn’t you stop this before it got this far?”

          “Because I’m homeschooled, finished said schooling last month, and have been bored” Kanaya replied in a monotone. Dottie nodded.

          “You realize of course that hiding in here isn’t going to erase the feelings you felt for her.” Kanaya blushed slightly, but focused all the harder on the spectacle in front of her. “I have let you take cover here for a year and a half. Don’t you think it’s time to reintroduce yourself into the world?” Kanaya froze, but managed to shake her head ‘no’. Dottie ‘hmm’ed and sat down next to her youngest child. “Am I going to have to order you outside? Kankri’s helping out with the church. Perhaps you could as well? There’s no chance of seeing her there. And besides, if Kankri’s there someone has to help with color theory.” Kanaya frowned as she raked her brain.

          “Aranea’s going to try making it to a massacre to report on it, she might drag…you know who along with her.” Dottie scowled at her daughter, but sighed.

          “Really dear? That’s the excuse you’re going with?” Kanaya blushed a bit, but managed to keep her head high and her eyes focused on the scene playing out. Nepeta was honestly impressed. The other woman was bright red and hadn’t once faltered in her mechanical eating of popcorn. Dottie sighed.

          “You can come to our roleplay session” Both Maryam women turned to the young Leijon. “Vriska hasn’t been allowed since the incident with Tav…well, not in person at least. Besides, if I really want to get her to go away we could just pull up the Vriska shield.” Kanaya was so intrigued by the thought of a shell she almost forgot to shudder at the name of the girl who’d shattered her heart.

          “A…a shield?” Nepeta nodded.

          “A shield named Eridan” she confirmed. Kanaya’s eyes widened at the fact. She bit her lip as she thought about it. Roleplaying wasn’t really up her alley, but Eridan _was_ pretty much guaranteed to keep her away. The only problem was…well, Eridan. He was sort of annoying. Besides, hiding wasn’t hurting her any. Her home was nice and cozy…and Vriska free. Hell, Porrim didn’t even _talk_ about Aranea, she’d gone to college across the country after that breakup and no one had lifted a finger to stop her. 'Why was Porrim allowed her grieving and not me?' She wondered. She did so while carefully ignoring the fact that Porrim had been seventeen at the time of her breakup and she’d been thirteen. Nepeta must have noticed the conflict on her face because she added “And I’m planning on inviting a new friend I made. She’s a writer…and she’s _really_ pretty.” Kanaya sighed deeply.

          “I don’t know” Nepeta shrugged.

          “Well, preliminary personality reports say that she’s good for you or Vriska, but I’m not sure who she’d like more. I’d say it goes along with who she meets first. I can understand if you don’t want to meet her, but she is your type” Kanaya raised an eyebrow at that. Nepeta had been the one to calculate her with Vriska in the first place, and while she hadn’t gotten a _great_ percentage, Vriska was the highest match in town. “She’s a writer” Kanaya shrugged, that is until Nepeta shoved a small notebook under her nose. “She let me borrow it” Kanaya sighed once before opening the book. After that, she was firmly trapped in a world of wizards and passion. She was only shocked out of it by Nepeta tapping her on the shoulder.

          “Oh, you startled me. Is there anything I can you with Nepeta?”

          “We’re leaving” Her step niece answered. “You’ve been reading for almost two hours” Kanaya blinked and noticed a scarlet faced Kankri seething in the corner as he listened to Dottie tell his father that his repressed homosexuality and self-hatred was causing him to exhibit negative behaviors more for the attention it would cause to give himself a sense of importance.

          “You…you’re taking Calliope away?” She clutched the book a little bit tighter. Nepeta raised an eyebrow.

          “Calliope?” She asked. Kanaya blushed

          “The protagonist…I foolishly thought the name was the same. I apologize. It was very silly of me. It was also irrational to think that her twin brother Caliborn is somehow evil.” Nepeta smiled to herself as she held out her hand for the book. Kanaya had one weakness; it was the same thing that had gotten her in trouble with Vriska. She _melted_ for a good story.

          “You know…you can bring me back the book tomorrow before Rose comes to retrieve it” Kanaya’s eyes sparkled with joy. Nepeta pretended not to notice the way her aunt’s clutch relaxed now that the idea of her treasure not being confiscated.

          “I can?” Kanaya asked with a deceptively calm voice. Nepeta nodded.

          “And if you come by four you can join our roleplay!” Kanaya bit her lip. “Rose promised to come play as well as to pick up her book.” Kanaya shifted a bit. “I’m sure she’d enjoy talking about the finer points in her writing, besides she’d want some feedback. That’s apparently the first draft. Well, the first draft of the first part. It’s supposed to be part of a Series of at least six books.” With that Nepeta smirked to herself. She knew when she had a catch and Kanaya was hooked and getting dragged down.

          “Well” She continued in that _very_ impressive deadpan “I’ve nothing better to do with my afternoon tomorrow, except perhaps go visit Porrim at the gallery. I’m invested in the story at this point, so I might as well finish it and bring it back. Meeting the author might be informative as well. Nepeta smiled and nodded.

          “But of course” She agreed. Kanaya must have heard something in her voice, because she turned red and returned to the first draft of ‘Complacency of the Learned’ Nepeta smirked as her aunt devoured the first of the series, the numbers in her head churning already. She skipped out the door and was in the car before Kalvin could ask how _her_ session went (not that he’d have gotten the question out, once out of the house Kankri starting raving about Dementia in Dottie’s old age and that it was a good thing she’d retired from psychoanalysis because she’d not only lost her touch but gone crazy). Nepeta arrived at home and practically dragged a kicking and screaming Karkat into her room so that she could paint her new ship while explaining the plan they were going to do the next day.


	17. Spa Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, few things-One, Oliver Ampora is in no way related to the boys. We're just gonna assume that 'Ampora' is a common name. Two, that is supposed to be an Irish accent...I say supposed to because I KNOW it's not, he sounds like a pirate. BUT IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY TO ME! Like I looked at his first line, then typed out EVERYTHING while saying to myself 'This is the single GREATEST thing I have ever done' so yeah...sorry.

Lilith had a problem. Her boss was a dick. He’d given her a mandatory two week vacation (apparently she was working too hard for her union to be happy). This hadn’t been a problem until lately. She had a friend in the company and had been spending her vacation time to write stories for them, but that damn upstart Aranea Serket had found out and gotten the guy fired. Being forced to accept her vacation would have been a minor problem, but Meulin and Nepeta always went for therapy twice monthly. This time Kankri was headed with them. Kalvin had errands to run and Lilith was likely going to be hanging out with Karkat all day. The only problem with that is that the two really didn’t have much in common. They could watch movies together and eat junk food (as she didn’t want to kill him with her attempts to cook and they were out of the food Dereck had cooked). They sat across each other at the breakfast table.

          “So” She started. He raised an eyebrow. She sighed. “If the Terezi front is cloudy” She stopped and bit her lip.

          “How was the conference?” He asked. “I didn’t get a chance to ask before” She snarled and her immaculate manicure caused another grove in the table as she clenched her fist. “That bad huh?”

          “Serket was there. She saw me there, realized I was working, and this morning my contact calls me and tells me she got him fired.” She growled as she sank further into her chair. Pounce, as if sensing her distress, jumped up onto the table, scaring the shit out of Karkat, and started nuzzling at her owner. The cat purred when she absentmindedly started to pet the thing. Karkat looked around to see if any of the cats in the house would follow the queen’s example. He saw Leon, the tom of the house lurking by the can opener. If cats could smile, he’d have sworn the damn thing was grinning at him.

          “You think this is a game FuckAss!” Leon didn’t answer of course, just made one of those over condescending expressions birmans seemed capable of. He nearly jumped out of his seat when ‘de’ started mewling very loudly from behind him. Lilith was _supposed_ to be a mature adult. She laughed at her stepson, long, and loudly enough to startle Pounce away. He grumbled as he took the hint to refill the food bowls and as he did Lilith’s phone buzzed with notification of a text.

_ Beach we aint hung ten since last low tide. _

_  I hear you aint got shell to do to-ray. _

_  I’ll be over just a soon as Fef drags the boat to your cove. _

_ See ya soon frond. _

Lilith smirked and giggled at the text. It was truly amazing how Connie had become mayor. She had been unapologetic in herself since the day she was born, and in the end it had been what had saved her from the massive smear campaign that had been launched against her. She sent off a quick reply to ask if she could bring Karkat. Within moments she received confirmation. There was a very good chance Karkat would kind of ‘hate’ her after this…but she hadn’t hung out with Connie since the other woman had made Mayor. That and, if she said something was happening no one really had a choice in it.

          “Karkat?” She called. He walked back in, covered in cat hair and a few scratches where the animals had tried to get the food before he was done serving it, but otherwise no worse for the wear. “How do you feel about a day of pampering?” She asked carefully. He narrowed his eyes at her.

          “What’s the fucking catch?” Lilith did not give two shit about Karkat’s cursing, and he only _slightly_ abused it.

          “We’ll be hanging out with the Peixes’...” He narrowed his eyes, then very carefully nodded. “At the Ampora family spa”

          “AW FUCK”

          “Please? I don’t ask a lot of you, but I promised your father we’d bond” He glared at her. “ _Please_?” He groaned.

          “Why the fuck don’t you just give me a fifty and I can spend the day avoiding everyone in the arcade?” Lilith sighed.

          “Because you’re father’s going to ask what we did all day and our answers have to match.” He nodded at that, she had a point. He sighed heavily.

          “Fine, I consent to being _tortured_ all day. Tell Miss Peixes I’m game” She bit her lip and looked away. “You already told her?” There was a light horn beeping from the outside. “She’s already here!?” There was a harsher beeping from the same horn as if answering his question. “SHIT FUCK DAMMIT I CAN’T BE NEAR ERIDAN LOOKING LIKE THIS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT BULGE LICKING NOOK SNIFFER ‘LL SAY TO ME IF I LOOK LIKE THIS!” Lilith didn’t answer him, too busy giggling at the fact that he played the mmorpg so much that it had actually altered the way he spoke to insults that were only in the game. The honking outside continued, and there was a banging at the front door.

          “BEACH I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! CLAM ON! EVEN DUALSCAR WONT BAIT FOR ME FOREVER!” That was a bold faced lie and even Connie knew it. She and Mireya Serket topped the expansive list of women that Oliver ‘Dualscar’ Ampora would wait until the ends of the earth for. Lilith went and opened the door for her friend (and the cause of all puns that went through her house).

          “Connie! How are mew?” Connie simply raised one hot pink dyed eyebrow over her dark shades. “Alright, long shot. My step son has to make sure he looks good on the off chance we run into his ‘not boyfriend’”

          “MOM” Lilith smirked at that. “What? I didn’t call him your boyfriend that time” She called back. Connie snickered.

          “DON’T DO IT LIL SHOUTY” She called back. “NO ACHOR—A’S THEY’RE A PAIN IN THE GILLS!”

          “Oh _that’s_ the best part” Lilith interjected with a smirk. “According to Nep, they actually hate each other to much for it to work out.” Connie and Lilith shared a laugh at that while Karkat (who’d been on his way back downstairs) cursed them out for it.

          “Ey, I’m the big fish in town! Don’t make me get on your gills! You’ll never work on this shore again! Watch it!” This was said to Karkat with an affectionate ruffle to his hair with bitten ragged nails. Lilith grabbed the hand as she saw it.

          “Holy! You know he’s _never_ going to let you out of his sight again once he sees these!” Connie sighed deeply. “Yep, I know” The forty year old sighed. “Why the shell we aint fish—en to each otters advice? We boat went for crap—zy ass stalker types. What were we thinkin?” Lilith pretended to think about it as the three walked to the 2015 BMW 760, where the driver had apparently changed since the text message, because Meenah was leaning out of the front.

          “I remember” Lilith said suddenly, causing her friend to look back at her. “We thought the sex was amazing” Connie and Lilith almost collapsed into one another with the force of their laughter, while the three of their children tried their hardest to erase their own memories. Connie climbed into the backseat, so did Karkat. Lilith firmly stood her ground.

          “You commin catfish?” Connie called. Lilith bit her lip.

          “I’m deabating on if I want Meenah driving.”

          “OH COME ON!” Meenah protested even as Feferi giggled next to her. Connie smirked, and so was spared from her eldest wrath as the twenty three year old smacked her sister in the face.

          “HEY!” The fourteen year old protested. “She wouldn’t have a problem if I were driving. I’d get us there without a shipwreck!”

          “Yeah when we’re all floating belly up! At least I don’t drive like Miss Daisy! Beach—sides, I haven’t crashed any—fin in a month. That’s why I get to drive the good boat.” The two began to argue in earnest as Karkat groaned and attempted to sink down into the imported leather.

          “Meenah’s right.” Connie said, breaking apart the argument with her voice alone. “She aint gon wreck no—fin. She already has to fin—d a summer surf ta replace the last boat.” Meenah blushed at that. “Gotta make boon that one. So it’s safe if she values her in—fish—ments.” Lilith chuckled at that, but got into the backseat of the car. She could hear Karkat muttering to himself, something about drowning in a sea of puns. The friends giggled at it, Meenah pulled off, and Connie was nice enough not to mention it when Lilith’s hand locked around the top bar (the one that was usually used to store suit hangers on) and flatly _refused_ to let go until they were at their destination.

Oliver Ampora ran the single most luxuriously ostentatious day bar in…(there hadn’t been a contest but everyone who’d ever seen it was pretty sure) the world. Once you walked in and paid, he wouldn’t send you off before making sure you were _perfect_ from each split end on your head to the last layer on your toes. Connie paid upfront and requested to be treated to the usual. This would have worked had ANYONE but Oliver himself been at the desk. One look at her hair (it didn’t have its normal shine and was in a long French braid down her back to hide the fading pink highlights) and the Irishman sent them all to the ‘emergency room’ a five hour program for cases that made him physically ill to look at. Karkat, Meenah, and Connie herself cursed up a storm while they were forcefully escorted to the mud baths.

          “CLAM—IT OLIVER! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!” She screamed, thrashing wildly as he held her close to his chest and practically frog marched her to her pampering. “I HAVE TWO TIDES! THAT’S IT”

          “Then ye should havwve come earlier!” He protested back to her. “And yer personal assistant can takecare o somin fer once! You pay Siimon enough, he can handle a day on his own.”

          “LET ME GO BE—FISH I CLAW YOU AGAIN!” She screamed. Oliver was a good man in that he could see the beauty in everyone, and most things for that matter. He was terrible in that he hated seeing that beauty squandered, and so while Connie was usually the victim, no one actually knew who had gotten so pissed at his forceful makeovers that they’d takin it upon themselves to scratch two jagged lines across his face. Unfortunately, they made the bastard look handsome in a way that could only be decribed as ‘rugged’. The ruggedly handsome _bastard_ pick pocked her phone, slipping the bright pink abomination into his own pocket for safekeeping.

          “Think I care about scratches? Look at ye, yur hair is in shambles, yur skin’s colorless, I’m grabbin yer _arm_ n I can tell yur tense.” Connie sighed, Lilith giggled. “And yer NAILS” Connie groaned. Lilith lost the battle against laughter there. “Dun yoi laugh, yer jus as bad!” He said turning on the other woman. Lilith blushed as Connie sent her a ‘look’ over the man’s shoulder. “Wvwhat’re yoi usin, _bargin brand condishner?_ Look at the stripping! Wvwhoever was dyin yer hair has no idea a head from an arse.” Lilith blushed and did not bother telling the already irate man that she dyed her own hair, as did her daughters. He turned at Karkat then; he didn’t say a word, just looked the boy over with a sneer and shuddered. “Only one o’ ye even has the slightest o wvwhat they’re doin is Feferi.” He turned to her then, not even loosening his grip on her mother; he managed to give her a little bow. “It’s nice ta see _someone_ in this town listens ta me” It earned her the glares of everyone else. But Feferi just smiled up at him and curtsied back.

          “I’m glad I’m up to your standards Mr. Amp—”

          “UH!” He gave her a mock glare.

          “ _Mr. Oliver”_ She smiled. Meenah and Connie rolled their eyes at the level of absolute kiss ass—ery that was taking place around them. Feferi just went ahead of the group, a skip in her step. 

          “That a girl” They reached the mud baths then. Oliver released Connie only after he’d closed the door and locked it with a key he kept around his wrist. “Ya knowvw wvwhere the robes are” He smirked. The two had a small glare off before Connie admitted defeat and stalked over to where the robes were. Karkat had simultaneously the best and worst day of his life as he sat, not only naked in a mud bath, milk bath, and _steam_ room with four gorgeous woman who he constantly had to remind himself were his mother, a lesbian, the girlfriend of his _best friend_ (and he tried and failed so hard to not think about the fact that since both of them were polyamorous and had made passes at him in the past) and the Mayor of the GOD DAMMED TOWN. Sometime in the steam room Meenah had figured out why he was so quiet and told Feferi, who proceeded to shamelessly flirt with him much to amusement of anyone NOT Karkat himself. It was a relief when he was freed to go to the massage. Or it _would_ have been a relief.

          “Oh I must’vve been a _great_ boy this wweek” Karkat froze as he recognized the voice. He flipped to look the (mildly lecherous) 17 year old in the face. Eridan looked almost like a person without the pretentious as fuck scarf and cape combo, though he must have actually needed the hipster glasses. Eridan was smirking slightly. “Just relax Kar, that’s wwhat I’m here for” Karkat blinked once.

         “Is that a fucking _accent_?” Eridan blinked, taken back by the question. He nodded slowly, while Karkat burst into laughter. “I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve said about it” He gasped out between guffaws. “I never heard a thick Irish accent. I didn’t know what you were working backwards from. I thought you were just a pretentious little shit” Eridan seemed to be content to let Karkat get out all his laughter.

          “Are you finished Kar?” He asked after a while. No matter how cool he tried to be, his face was bright red. “Laughin at my uncle I mean?” Karkat blinked.

          “I wasn’t laughing at him…actually he’s pretty cool…kinda, _terrifying,_ but anyone who has the balls to grab Connie like he did and still be likeable enough to not get killed—he’s cool” Eridan’s eyes widened at that, and a small smile touched the tips of his lips.

          “Lay dowwn Kar” Eridan ordered with something almost akin to affection in his voice. Karkat did so as Eridan walked around the room lighting candles and filling the room with a vanilla, jasmine, sandalwood blend. Karkat actually felt a bit more relaxed even before Eridan touched him.

          “I thought you had a summer job.” Karkat murmured as Eridan clicked on some classical.

          “Yeah, this—I wwork here evvery year”

          “Then why the FUCK did you say you’d put in a good word for me!?” Eridan surprisingly just put his hand on the small of Karkat’s back and pushed him down into the table.

          “Wwell, you kinda don’t _look_ right to wwork here. Cronus begged for months to get Meenah a job and she lost it in the first wweek for biting her nails. I’d havve to givve you a full makeover to get him to look at you.” Karkat flushed at that. His mild irritation at the insult to his…everything, was forgotten as Eridan actually oiled his back with something sweet smelling. “Wwhy’d you all get the ‘emergency room’ protocol anyway? That’s usually reservved for _bad_ cases.” Karkat frowned at that.

          “Well, I got dragged along cause Mom wanted to hang out with Miss Peixes.” Eridan pushed a little too hard as he started laughing his ass off.

          “Say no more! _Evvery_ time Auntie Connie comes he givves her the emergency room treatment. Half ‘cause he misses her, half ‘cause she only comes here like once a year to fix her hair. Her ‘regular’ guy has no clue how to do it properly. She and Uncle Ollie both knoww it!” Karkat blinked as Eridan’s startlingly talented hands worked on his back.

          “Why do you call him ‘uncle’” Eridan’s hands stuttered on his friend’s back. “Sorry if it’s a…harsh question. I mean, you don’t have to answer or anything.” Eridan resumed his work.

          “Things…things wwernt good in Ireland for him. Like, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but he like lost his family—had two brothers he was takin care of and…hard times hit. So wwhen my mom got enough money, wwe sent back for him. Then the accident happened and…it wwas just normal for me and Cro to move, ya knoww? We were already callin him Uncle, so wwe just tried to keep…keep our heads up. Ya knoww” there was a drop of something that felt very unlike oil on Karkat’s back, and Eridan sniffed.

          “Sorry” Karkat murmured. “I shouldn’t fuck. I’m an idiot” He wasn’t expecting Eridan to chuckle.

          “Actually, I should be thanking you. It’s been years and no one’s talked about anything.” Eridan sniffled, but kept up at what was honestly the nicest experience of Karkat’s life. The boys talked about neutral things after that, their grades and what colleges they were thinking of attending and the relationships that never seemed to work out.

          “Hour’s up!” A voice called from the hall. “Next, Hair and manipedis.” Eridan freed Karkat from the bed and handed him back his robe.

          “I think Uncle Ollie likes you too” Eridan smiled. Karkat raised his eyebrows at that. “He only sends me in for ones that need minimal wwork. If he thought you wwere a real wwreck he’d havve sent in Cronus. He wworked on Fef. All the nice things he says to her are just because she’s nice to him.” Eridan gave his friend a wide smile as Karkat left the room. “See you tomorrow for DnD!” The Irish boy called. Karkat blushed slightly as he allowed himself to be guided by the stranger to a room that seemed more like a torture chamber. He saw Fef, Meenah, Connie, and Lilith enter from different entrances, they all looked really relaxed and he did notice that there skin was glowing. He quickly looked down at his own skin in wonder if a similar reaction was caused on Albinos. Short answer, yes. He still slightly marveled at it even as he was guided to a sink. He didn’t understand a word of the French flittering around him, but apparently Connie, Lilith, and Oliver spoke it fluently, because as he ordered what Karkat could only assume which product to be used, Connie and Lilith argued with him. Granted, Lilith was a LOT calmer then Connie screaming, but a LOT calmer. Karkat found out the hard way that just because his hair was short it didn’t mean anything less was done to it, he just got out from the dryer faster. The ‘mani-pedi’ (he had actually caused Haruko to scream when she saw his hands, then she went off on him in her native language) was apparently something that girls often did to keep their nails looking crisp. Haruko either hadn’t heard, haddn’t understood, or had just plain ignored him (the third option was the most likely) when it came to color, because she decided to splash a pretty shade of cherry that actually did match his eyes. He pouted as she smirked when he admitted it looked nice. They got mud masks and facials and by the time Connie brought them home he felt almost ridiculously pretty. (Connie had cursed up and storm when her phone had been returned to her with over three hundred new messages. Oliver just smirked and told her to hurry back.) Karkat blushed through the entire explanation of where they’d been and how the two had spent there day, though Kalvin wasn’t listening. He’d gotten distracted by Lilith’s new haircut and glowing skin. Karkat practically RAN to his room, only to get woken up by Nepeta and dragged to her room so that she could talk to him about Shipping. Apparently, Aunt Kanaya and the new girl in town were ‘purr—fect’ for one another. He half focused on the plan she told him, more focusing on how he could get Eridan to not be a complete dick again. The other boy was actually kinda nice when Karkat _didn’t_ want to punch his lights out.


	18. Dungeons and Desire

The basement was a strange place. For one, it was the only place in the house that was cat proof as Tavros was deathly allergic to the things. It was also only accessible by the cellar door. The large downstairs only had a few tables, a bookcase filled with rulebook and binders of character sheets, a case of dice, and oh yeah—NO LESS THAN A BILLION COSTUMES. Karkat scowled as he tried to find one that matched his character, because Nepeta was more than a bit crazy. On the plus side, they acted like it was a buffet, so he’d get to have some Maryam cookies along with Meulin’s cake that she only made for this event. The few times the players didn’t finish it off it was _delicious_. He found the last necessary item and sighed. He didn’t know when, but his crazy sister had managed to call Gamzee and get him in on it too, so he was stuck holding a codpiece for his friend, since apparently bards wore codpieces.  

          “Yo” That was said friend talking. Karkat turned to see his painted friend looking more than a bit disturbed. Tavros was already in costume. He was some sort of fairy…or pixie. “What’s that for Kar—bro?” Karkat pushed the offending item into Gamzee’s hands, face red as he forced himself to tell his friend what exactly it was.  Gamzee blinked at it. “I’m pretty sure this motherfucker needs the next size up”. There was a noxious loud of silence, then Tavros’ voice pierced through

“I think he’s kinda right” Nepeta died laughing, and Karkat exploded into such an extreme litany of screamed swear words that it was truly astounding Kankri didn’t materialize from his community service at the church to tell him off.

“WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK! I MEAN WHY I CAN’T BEILIVE YOUR RETARDED ASS IS GOING ALONG WITH YOUR DUMBER THAN SHIT ASS CLOWN FUCK OF A BOYFRIEND—”

“It goes on _over_ your clothes Gam” Nepeta explained. While Karkat continued to flip the fuck out, Nepeta managed to get Gam completely dressed, finish her costume and answer the door for a very frightened Kanaya.

          “Is…is that normal?” She inquired before coming inside.

          “You don’t recognize the voice?” Nepeta asked. Kanaya walked down the decline and into the basement. Once there, she saw a red faced Karkat screeching at Tavros and Gamzee, both of which seemed to find nothing less than amusement at whatever made him horrified. Kanaya nodded.

          “Yes, this is completely normal.” She agreed. “I brought cookies” Nepeta nodded.

          “Put them on the table. Now the only ones left are Eridan and Terezi. Aradia couldn’t make it. Something about Sollux being in a mood? It sounded pretty serious.” Kanaya nodded.

          “I’m quite happy I managed to get here while you were still waiting for those necessary to play. I thought about it last night, and decided that I shall not intrude on your game.”

“WHAT!?” Nepeta screeched. “I picked out a perfect character for you and everything” She pouted. Kanaya bit her lip, but looked away from Nepeta’s tearing up eyes.

“I sincerely apologize. I’ve decided that it is best for my hea…err, it is best if I don’t impose in any way and so I’ve decided to drop the book off so that Cali—I mean…” Kanaya bit her lip as she tried to remember the name of the author.

          “Rose” Said a voice behind her. Kanaya nodded once.

          “Yes, that’s it Rose, So that Rose may retrieve it at her leasu…” She stopped in horror, both at the fact that it was not Nepeta’s voice and that going over the names of those who still needed to arrive she’d not heard a name she did not recognize. Her face lost all color and she took a small gasp of air to turn to the literary genius that caused her to only get two hours of sleep. Rose was taller then she thought, with a bob of platinum hair framing lovely dark skin, and amethyst eyes that seemed to glow from the contrast. A single blonde eyebrow raised as Kanaya lost the breath she attempted to hold. A pair of baby pink lips quirked upwards slightly.

          “What’s _your_ name?” Rose asked as she took a step forward, causing Kanaya to take a step back.

          “Umm” Kanaya looked down and turned bright red. Rose’s smirk intensified. “I’m Kanaya. Nice to meet you” Once Kanaya managed to get a good distance from Rose, about two arms lengths away, she started breathing regularly. She held the book out to the author. “Here you go.” Rose gave Kanaya a onceover, then decided that she very much liked what she saw. The smirk intensified as Rose grabbed the book back and purposefully brushed her fingers over Kanaya’s hand. Kanaya actually started trembling. The air between them seemed charged with electricity, when Nepeta’s voice startled them out of it.

          “LETS GET THE ROLEPLAY STARTED” Everyone was confused, mostly because everyone knew for a fact that Nepeta wanted to get the two together. They looked all looked at each other in confusion. In fact, Kanaya was so confused she was entirely in costume before she could think twice. During her getting dressed, the remaining members came over. In fact, Terezi and Eridan came over fully dressed.  Kanaya was the one that realized the plan first, namely that she was fully in costume with a character when she’d come over with the intention to drop off the book and leave.

          “The fierce dragoness swipes her mighty snout in the air. The wizard has brought her to this cave and she turns to the mighty huntress for a hug” Nepeta squealed once and ran over to hug Terezi

“The huntress is overjoyed that the Dragoness has accepted the invitation into her cave as the dragoness’ lair is much smaller and the Huntress needs the space.” Terezi tiled her head at that. “More space? It’s me, you, Eridan, Tav, and Araidia…isn’t it?” Nepeta giggled.

“What do you smell?” Terezi blinked unseeing eyes, then stuck out her tounge, nearly licking Nepeta as she tasted the dust spores in the room.

  “There are extra people here!” Terezi noted, and then sniffed the air. “Mini Miss Maryam is here. It smells jade.” The girl sniffed the air again and grew a smirk. “Someone’s hair dye got reapplied. You’re using a new brand Karkles, and a new conditioner. I almost didn’t recognize you.” Karkat shook his head at her while Eridan preened…he preened until she added “It smells absolutely DISGUSTING! Whatever you’re doing stop.” He head swiveled towards Gamzee and she bowed to him slightly. “Always a pleasure to see you Mr. Grape Jelly.”

          “Honk” He replied, and the two shared a laugh. Apparently weed smelled a _lot_ like grape jelly tasted. She’d actually ended up high on grape jelly before. She walked towards him as she sniffed again.

          “You’re playing the bard. That costume barley gets used. Is the codpiece big enough?” Tavros joined in the laughter that time. Karkat turned red and it took a pleading look from Nepeta to keep him from running away. “Though I see Tavros is still a skylark. But an extra person can be added…no” She stepped closer to sniff at the three boys. “Two extra people. Unless I’m mistaken Karkat’s in costume.” Her head tilted. She let go of Eridan and walked over to them with only the help of her cane. When she got to Karkat, she dropped to her knees and licked a long stripe up his costume.

          “WHAT THE FUCK TEREZI! YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THE COSTUME’S BEEN, HELL I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE COSTUME’S BEEN DO YOU KNOW HOW UNSANITERY THAT JUST WAS! THERE  ARE SO MANY FUKING GERMS AND YOU JUST FEEL THE FUCKING NEED TO LICK SHIT! WHY DID YOU NEED TO LICK IT, YOU CAN FUCKING _SMELL_ GAMZEE’S CODPEICE FROM A MILE AWAY YOU NEED TO FUCKING LICK THIS SHIT! I CAN’T BELIVE, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT’S A LIE, I CAN BELIVE YOU’D DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS ‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE SAME NUTSO THAT LICKS FIRE HYDRANTS. HOLY SHIT WOMAN…” Terezi ignored his ranting, as she often did, and just smacked her lips a bit. She smiled as she lifted herself up.

          “Just what I thought. Blood bending Knight. Really good class, really specific powers though. I’m guessing Nepeta must have helped you pick it out. It’s going to be difficult to manage, haven’t had one in a campaign forever. It should work well with the Slyph over there.”

          “That’s you Kanaya” Nepeta supplied helpfully. Kanaya blinked twice, looking down at the flimsy thing of tulle that had been placed over her regular clothing. 

          “I’m assuming we’re starting a new campaign with three new people. The extra smell must be whatever Kanaya brought to eat.”

          “Actually, I’m sure at least one of the things you’re smelling is me” Terezi spun around, smacking Karkat in the shin with her cane as she did so, to face the new girl. She sniffed at the air, but couldn’t pinpoint exactly what she smelled like.

          “Hello” She said after attempting. “My name is Terezi” She held out a hand for a shake. “You are…?”

          “Rose” She said, and crossed the room to shake Terezi’s hand. “Rose  Lalonde. We moved here last month.” Terezi nodded, but didn’t let go of Rose’s hand when she was done shaking it.

          “Well, Rose, I can’t really see you. Do you mind if I get a closer look?” Rose raised an eyebrow at that. Karkat limped behind Terezi to make as many negative signs at Rose as possible.  Rose smirked at him, then looked down at their joined hands and shrugged.

          “You may” She answered. Karkat face palmed, while Terezi gave a smile full of too sharp teeth. Rose was the only one in the room not expecting Terezi to suddenly pull their bodies close together and take a lick up the side of her face, as well as nibble on her hair. Terezi released her just as suddenly as she’d been grabbed and Rose had been so unprepared for either motion she ended up on the ground. Terezi licked her lips.

          “AAHHHH, I smell you now. You smell like a rainbow, and taste like rain. Dark, Smokey. Nice, very nice. Lot of light actually. Thanks.” Terezi nodded twice and crossed the room to the table. Nepeta stopped her right before she sat down.

          “ACTUALLY” Terezi tilted her ear toward the cat girl. “I was hoping… _I_ could D.M this campaign?” Terezi blinked twice, the words ‘but I always d.m.’ on her lips. She nodded twice and moved the next chair over.

          “You can ask me for help…anything you need.” Nepeta hugged the older girl, since she couldn’t see the smile. The seventeen year old soaked up the warmth for a bit, before tapping the cuddler twice on the back. Nepeta sat down and the head of the table and sent a quick look to Karkat. He nodded back, and Gamzee gave a secretive smile seeing the sign. Karkat sat down across from Nepeta and Eridan sat to the left of him. Gamzee wheeled Tavros next to Eridan, then plopped down next to his boyfriend. Kanaya sat next to Karkat, which left the only empty seat for Rose next to Terezi…on Kanaya’s other side.

 Terezi quickly figured out the point of the game as the town was terrorized by a warlock that would only be appeased by in game marriages. She married Nepeta, Gamzee married Tavros, Karkat married Eridan, and Rose married Kanaya. The marriages had to be sealed with a kiss (which wasn’t an issue for three of the couples). Then Gamzee’s baric knowledge led them to chasing a shape shifter that got people off her tail with love spells. Nepeta had bet on Karkat’s inability to play the game, because he cast a spell to destroy bonds, which ended up with the party almost killing each other. Kanaya had to save everything by healing their bonds which led to a sharing round the table of what the characters did exactly to repair bonds. Tavros used his powers to make the stars dance like a show as Gamzee was utterly at a loss of what to do in medieval times, Gamzee then gave up and said that he would write a song so that once they entered town everyone would know about his ‘miracle brother’. Eridan said that he would treat Karkat to a full body massage, which caused Karkat to blush, splutter, and take a HUGE gulp of some of the Faygo Gamzee brought for everyone. Amazingly, he didn’t automatically spit the stuff up, he _hated_ Faygo. He ground out that Sufferer surprised Orphaner with a picnic. (Everyone had strange names for their character. Kanaya had gone with Dolorosa, Terezi’s dragon born was Neophyte, and since Rose hadn’t been able to think of one, they named her ‘Spinneret’ after the character Vriska no longer played.) The Huntress gave her dragon wife an oil to sooth and add sparkle to her already beautiful scales, and was rewarded with a sharpening stone for her claws. Kanaya had blushed through both the offer of their story woven throughout all the prophecies the Seer would tell and through her character picking up an abandoned jaguar cub and earning its trust through her healing his wounds so that she could give it as a gift. Thought the game nearly any chance to get the too closer was done either by the D.M., by Gamzee’s baric knowledge telling them of some sort of quest that could only be solved or a curse that would only be broken with love. Of course, any time there was another solution; Karkat would manage to fuck up so extremely and completely that it dragged everyone even closer together than it would have done had they gone with the main storyline. This was not a problem for Terezi and Nepeta (because this wasn’t the first time the two had made out to get people together). It _definitely_ wasn’t a problem for Gamzee and Tavros (in fact the make outs and snacks were probably the only things holding Gamzee’s attention). It was only a small problem for Karkat, as Eridan tried to make it so that Karkat was in danger of chocking on the older boy’s tongue at any moment. Kanaya shyly pecked Rose each time, causing the other girl to smile secretively, though she never once pushed it—letting Kanaya move at her own pace. The whole thing seemed to amuse her actually. They were only aware of the passage of time (they being everyone _but_ Karkat and the apply named ‘Sufferer’) when Kankri slammed through the cellar door like a hurricane with Kurloz ambling in behind him. Unfortunately for everyone involved, he walked in on a make out session.

          “He’s down here in—” Kankri looked up and turned a furious shade of red. “THIS CESPOOL OF DEPRAVITY AND SIN! WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK! YOU ARE MINORS, YOU SHOULDN’T BE AWARE OF THESE DISCUSTING ACTIVITIES, ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR OWN GENDER YOU MORALESS, GODLESS, HEATHEN MONSTERS! YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL, DO ANY OF YOU CARE NNNNNNOOOOOOOO , WHO THE FUCK SHOULD CARE EXCEPT FOR KANKRI. I’VE SPENT ALL DAY AT THE CARNIVAL OF THE DAMMED AND I HAVE MORE CARE THEN...” Kurloz made a motion for Gamzee to come on. His brother did so after a quick peck to his boyfriend. This of course, sent Kankri off worse. Kurloz rolled his eyes and pushed the boy once, causing Kankri to round on him and start yelling at him to. Kurloz rolled his eyes again, flipped off the other boy, and walked off, an arm around his bother. As he left, the woman from the art gallery—Jane came in with a blonde that looked a lot like a bigger version of Rose. The blonde woman seemed very put out by something.

          “Rose” Jane called. “We were driving by to get ice cream and we thought we might as well pick you up. Do you want to say goodbye to all your little friends?” Rose blinked at everyone and nodded.

          “EXCUSE ME” Kankri called to the woman. “Do you know that ‘Rose’ was just involved acts of a sinful nature of impropriety with another woman!” The one that looked like Rose seemed to blink into existence at that, she grinned widely.

          “AAAAWWWW SHIT! Rosie gettin some! We should celebrate! Drinks are on me!”

          “Roxy no, you’re doing well, it’s been a week sober” Jane chided gently. Roxy pouted at once, returning to her tired state. “Rose if you don’t want to come along I’ll take your mother home so we can wait for you” Rose looked conflicted for a moment.

          “To be honest, the game is very boring” She looked at Kanaya with a smile. “The company on the other hand.” Kanaya blushed and Rose smiled wider as she finished with “The company is simply _fascinating_.” Roxy forced a smile to Kanaya.

          “To be honest, fascinating can probs come over no prob. She just has to clear it with her mahs. I mean…we left Dirk in charge of cooking tonight, so it’s probly like…Chinese food again.” Jane blinked twice, seeming confused about the protest.

          “Would you prefer Dirk’s speed dial or whatever Jake manages to kill on his ventures to the mountains?” Roxy shrugged, then smirked.

          “If I’m being honest with myself—I’d probs prefer some Janey cake” Jane blushed bright red at that. But kissed Roxy right then and there, causing the blode to giggle happily and grab at her.

          “Roxy” Jane hissed. “There are _people”_ Roxy made a non-committal sound at that, nuzzling closer to Jane. “I can’t take you anywhere” It was phrased as an insult, but Jane had a smile in her voice, one she attempted to keep off of her face.

          “HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO GET INTO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN WITHOUT A PROPPER HUSBAND!” Kankri exploded. Obviously, he’d not had a good time at the Church of the Mirthful Messiahs. Jane looked him dead in the eye, and her cerulean eyes seemed to flash red for a moment with the anger she felt. She smiled at him, not a nice smile, one an angry Makara would give.

          “I have a husband, he’s very proper. Proper husband has learned not to say shit about my girlfriend so that I don’t talk about his boyfriend. By the way, you’ve got Face Paint around your lips” Kankri’s eye flew open and he practically ripped off his shirt in his effort to scrub off his lips, spluttering about how Kurloz had been ambushing him all day. Jane nodded savagely. “You seem to think throwing firecrackers in your glass house is a good idea. Rose, we’re going. Fascinating, are you coming?” Rose was at her mother’s side in a moment. Kanaya bid adieu to everyone and was calling her mother by the time she was across the room. “Have a lovely day everyone” Jane called as she sauntered out with her clique right behind her.


End file.
